Continued from
Im just worried because I find it a weakness. She has her beliefs in some things, for example, people should not live in large groups because it always causes problems. Like for example most of the wars and social problems that we have now. Racism and unfairness in government. This I don't agree with I think it is more beneficial. I think human nature is the problem. There will always be selfish people who only want to look out for them selves and will do anything to get their own way. That is the problem, even if their is a small group the same will happen. And it is also human nature to look out for your own safety and not cause problems, confront, and just get by. I mean look at bullies on playgrounds. The same thing happens in these small groups of kids. There will always be leaders and always be followers. There are just certain personality types which cause problems. Corruption and greed. Small groups wouldn't make it any better in my opinion it would just make it different.
My sister's idea of solving a problem is to run away from it. I mean these are her opinions as I have mine. I just don't agree and I guess I can't really judge them. But there are just some things that are common sense that she needs to realize.
She wants to go to the peace corps and help people in foreign countries. She things that a country as strong as ours the US should be helping others and I guess she wants to be apart of it. I think she beliefs things will be somehow better in another country. Maybe, but if she's looking for some utopia, she's not going to find it. She just wants something better. I on the other hand don't care about that as much. Because I see that we have enough problems in our own country. I would like to be a part of solving these here. Does that make be better or worse neither. But I think that my sister as a successful black person should lend her talents to helping other black people her in the US. That what I think . There are so few of us who are willing to do something. I say she let other successful people go and take care of those problems. I don't know. I guess I'm kind of disappointed in that sense.
But what can I do. I can't really say who's right or wrong. But I want to say she's wrong thought I know that would be wrong.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Religiousness
My sister made and interesting comment to me in one of our conversations the other day. We were discussing religion and she made the comment that there are so many possible religions (beliefs) out there that she could never just chose one. Or at least she couldn't choose one until she was familiar with the majority of them.
I find that she is that way about a lot of things. This goes back to the conversation where I made a generalization about "chop shop" plastic surgeons (that's what I like to call them). Anyway she said that I couldn't possibly say that they all have bad intentions because I haven't met them all.
It's like she never wants to make generalizations, or stand for anything. She can never be sure of something, because she doesn't know for sure. This is an interesting personality trait to me. It's kind of hard to explain but it seems abnormal to me.
I claim myself to be a Christian. Most definetly not a good one but that is my religion. I mark it down when I fill out surveys yadayada. Growing up our Mother made all of us go to church most Sundays. When I got to college I stopped going to church mostly because I didn't want to , didn't want to feel guilty, and because well I have alittle problem with chruches. But I still believe in God and what the Bible says is true. We were sort of taught not to question it. I have never truly questioned it because I think it's just something you have to believe. Proof is in the mericales of nature all around us. Its about faith not science. I am able to separate the two in my mind.
My sister on the other hand. I'm not sure she is. She just doesn't believe in heaven and hell. In otherwords how could this belief be correct and others like Islam for example, be wrong. Many people I can understand this do not want to believe this. And I'm not sure if I know it would be true either. It seems that God would not be so nice if all other people, even muslim would be sent to hell because they truly believe in their relgion and not in Christianity as we know it.
And who know maybe I am wrong about me religious choice. But I think its abot more than that. It's about keeping yourself accountable. And it is a very complicated an diffucult thing to think about. I believe in the ten commandments and I believe in sin and punishment for sin. But mostly follwing Christianity cannot be harmful. It's meant to give you moral guidelines on how to treat yourself and other people.
Other religions do this also. My sister also made the argument that some Christians do evil things in the name of christianity, and also judge people for not accepting Christianity. I don't read my Bible much now adays but I do remember learning in Church that we are not suppoed to judge other people. That is left up to God. And the Jesus Christ, who we are supposed to follow as an example never looked down on people who where not believers. He always accepted them and even fellowshiped with them. The point I was making in that is that you cannot associate the behaviors of certain people with the religion itslef. You can only go to the book whcih tells you how to behave. People have done all types of evil things in the name of Chrisitanity, slavery being one of them. That is just human nature, and the nature of man is evil (which the Bible will also tell you). People have done just the same in the name of other religions. Look at the terrorist attacks that are going on now.
As much as she likes to talk about not making generalizations or being prejudice towards groups of people she does the same herself and doesn't realize it. She cannot separate these things in her mind. But now she has a grudge against religions because some people can be lead to do terrible things by them.
The curious thing to me though, is how did I end up being such a believer in Christianity and my own sister completely rejects it? She said she believe in a higher power, I think, but not necessarily the Christian God that I know. Maybe I'm just more accepting. And I'm not even sure it's that. I just can't find any good reason to reject it. I mean what harm is it doing if you truly follow Christianity the way its supposed to be.
Continued...
I find that she is that way about a lot of things. This goes back to the conversation where I made a generalization about "chop shop" plastic surgeons (that's what I like to call them). Anyway she said that I couldn't possibly say that they all have bad intentions because I haven't met them all.
It's like she never wants to make generalizations, or stand for anything. She can never be sure of something, because she doesn't know for sure. This is an interesting personality trait to me. It's kind of hard to explain but it seems abnormal to me.
I claim myself to be a Christian. Most definetly not a good one but that is my religion. I mark it down when I fill out surveys yadayada. Growing up our Mother made all of us go to church most Sundays. When I got to college I stopped going to church mostly because I didn't want to , didn't want to feel guilty, and because well I have alittle problem with chruches. But I still believe in God and what the Bible says is true. We were sort of taught not to question it. I have never truly questioned it because I think it's just something you have to believe. Proof is in the mericales of nature all around us. Its about faith not science. I am able to separate the two in my mind.
My sister on the other hand. I'm not sure she is. She just doesn't believe in heaven and hell. In otherwords how could this belief be correct and others like Islam for example, be wrong. Many people I can understand this do not want to believe this. And I'm not sure if I know it would be true either. It seems that God would not be so nice if all other people, even muslim would be sent to hell because they truly believe in their relgion and not in Christianity as we know it.
And who know maybe I am wrong about me religious choice. But I think its abot more than that. It's about keeping yourself accountable. And it is a very complicated an diffucult thing to think about. I believe in the ten commandments and I believe in sin and punishment for sin. But mostly follwing Christianity cannot be harmful. It's meant to give you moral guidelines on how to treat yourself and other people.
Other religions do this also. My sister also made the argument that some Christians do evil things in the name of christianity, and also judge people for not accepting Christianity. I don't read my Bible much now adays but I do remember learning in Church that we are not suppoed to judge other people. That is left up to God. And the Jesus Christ, who we are supposed to follow as an example never looked down on people who where not believers. He always accepted them and even fellowshiped with them. The point I was making in that is that you cannot associate the behaviors of certain people with the religion itslef. You can only go to the book whcih tells you how to behave. People have done all types of evil things in the name of Chrisitanity, slavery being one of them. That is just human nature, and the nature of man is evil (which the Bible will also tell you). People have done just the same in the name of other religions. Look at the terrorist attacks that are going on now.
As much as she likes to talk about not making generalizations or being prejudice towards groups of people she does the same herself and doesn't realize it. She cannot separate these things in her mind. But now she has a grudge against religions because some people can be lead to do terrible things by them.
The curious thing to me though, is how did I end up being such a believer in Christianity and my own sister completely rejects it? She said she believe in a higher power, I think, but not necessarily the Christian God that I know. Maybe I'm just more accepting. And I'm not even sure it's that. I just can't find any good reason to reject it. I mean what harm is it doing if you truly follow Christianity the way its supposed to be.
Continued...
Am I an Alcoholic?
According to about.com's alcohol screening quiz, 20 questions, I answered 7 out of 20 questions yes. Since I answered more than 3, I have alcohol dependent tendencies I I need to seek professional help. I don't 100% trust that little quiz so I'm going to take another and see if it agrees.
According to Alcoholics Victorious I also have a drinking problem. I answered YES to only one of their list of questions. I still don't think this is accurate. I'm going to take another quiz.
Wikipedia defines alcoholism : Alcoholism is a term with multiple and sometimes conflicting definitions. In common and historic usage, alcoholism refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite the health problems and negative social consequences it causes. Medical definitions describe alcoholism as a disease which results in a persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences.
I always thought an alcoholic is someone who is physically addicted to alcohol. But it seems this is not true.*
If I use Wiki's definition then I am an alcoholic and so are most of my friends. Or at least they have been at some point. So I guess I can say I am an alcoholic, but do I need help? Or do I need to stop drinking? I don't think so. I mean I could. Its probably not the best for you anyway but neither are tons of other things that I do. At this point I'm not ready to stop drinking totally, just like I'm not ready to stop eating junk food totally. But I will watch it. I won't get "wasted" any more. But I still don't think there is anything wrong with being a little tipsy every once in a while. Being drunk is in bad taste.
* Since I am going to be doctor one day. I decided to think like a doctor. I looked up the definition of alcoholism in my good old Oxford Medical Dictionary: alcoholism n. the syndrome due to physical dependence on alcohol, such that sudden deprivation may cause withdrawal symptoms-tremor, anxiety, hallucinations, and delusions.
So I was right. Eh I definitely don't suffer from alcohol dependency. Maybe I'm somewhere in the middle. As I previously decided no more getting wasted. But now I know the difference, I don't need to drink I like to drink.
My only concern is that I like to drink alone. I've always heard this is a bad thing but why? I don't really know what that means. Is drinking supposed to only be a social practice. Like oh yea society says you can get tipsy with your friends and that's OK but if you do it alone your an alcoholic. What the hell. I'm so sick of societal standards. Some of them just don't make any damn sense to me. Drinking alone can possibly be sign of some problems lurking in the darkness. But not necessarily. There are always exceptions to the rule. Or maybe I'm just in denial.
The online quizes are made to target those who may possibly have an alcohol dependecy issue so they just try to get the minimum possible. If you look at the quizes any one who has ever gotten drunk one time and then had a hang over the next day would probably be considered an alcoholic. The questions are to vague and subjective.
According to Alcoholics Victorious I also have a drinking problem. I answered YES to only one of their list of questions. I still don't think this is accurate. I'm going to take another quiz.
Wikipedia defines alcoholism : Alcoholism is a term with multiple and sometimes conflicting definitions. In common and historic usage, alcoholism refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite the health problems and negative social consequences it causes. Medical definitions describe alcoholism as a disease which results in a persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences.
I always thought an alcoholic is someone who is physically addicted to alcohol. But it seems this is not true.*
If I use Wiki's definition then I am an alcoholic and so are most of my friends. Or at least they have been at some point. So I guess I can say I am an alcoholic, but do I need help? Or do I need to stop drinking? I don't think so. I mean I could. Its probably not the best for you anyway but neither are tons of other things that I do. At this point I'm not ready to stop drinking totally, just like I'm not ready to stop eating junk food totally. But I will watch it. I won't get "wasted" any more. But I still don't think there is anything wrong with being a little tipsy every once in a while. Being drunk is in bad taste.
* Since I am going to be doctor one day. I decided to think like a doctor. I looked up the definition of alcoholism in my good old Oxford Medical Dictionary: alcoholism n. the syndrome due to physical dependence on alcohol, such that sudden deprivation may cause withdrawal symptoms-tremor, anxiety, hallucinations, and delusions.
So I was right. Eh I definitely don't suffer from alcohol dependency. Maybe I'm somewhere in the middle. As I previously decided no more getting wasted. But now I know the difference, I don't need to drink I like to drink.
My only concern is that I like to drink alone. I've always heard this is a bad thing but why? I don't really know what that means. Is drinking supposed to only be a social practice. Like oh yea society says you can get tipsy with your friends and that's OK but if you do it alone your an alcoholic. What the hell. I'm so sick of societal standards. Some of them just don't make any damn sense to me. Drinking alone can possibly be sign of some problems lurking in the darkness. But not necessarily. There are always exceptions to the rule. Or maybe I'm just in denial.
The online quizes are made to target those who may possibly have an alcohol dependecy issue so they just try to get the minimum possible. If you look at the quizes any one who has ever gotten drunk one time and then had a hang over the next day would probably be considered an alcoholic. The questions are to vague and subjective.
Thanksgiving
So Thanksgiving has come and gone and so has my family. They whisked their way down to visit and have a nice little holiday here in the MIA with me. Step dad came all the way from Texas. Retrospectively it seems it was nice having them here for the first day at least, but of course personalities began to clash and I began to miss my alone time. I never realized how much I actually enjoy being alone. I don't like to be this way all the time but most of the time I really don't mind it. Does that make me selfish? Self centered? Antisocial? I don't know. Is this something about myself I should reject or embrace? Or maybe I combination of the two. I really don't know.
All I know is that for most of the time the fam was here in the back of my mind I was secretly wishing they would hurry up and leave so I could have my space and my peace and quiet back again. Maybe that's normal. I tried not to show it but I think my secret wish was so huge that it began to seep through my seams. Sorry guys.
Anywhoo. I am of course in a bit of a predicament having to do with getting a student loan to start this Preporatory program for Ross. While I was in school and after I finished i did not defer my student loans from undergrad. I only made forbarences on some of them after I finished at USF and by then it was too late. I have negative history on my credit report now. So I cannot get a private student loan without a cosigner. And I cannot apply with a cosinger until I have cleared up so delinquent loans from one of my other lenders. It sucks because I planned to be here for a month and then when school started I was supposed to have my loan money and that was at the end of this month. Now rent is due, school is starting in 2 days and I have no money, no loans on the way, and no letter from my lender which was supposed to be putting me into forbarence. I'm screwed unless I can get this loan I am truley screwed. Oh and my phone and light bills are past due.
A lot of this trouble is due to my irresponsibility. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was thinking I would just ignore the creditors and they would go away. I was thinking I would just leave the loans be until I started school again and they would be deferred. Well that thinking was wrong. I ignored my problems and they got worse and came back to bite me in the ass.
Such is life.
But it doesn't have to be that way. I should have made better decisions. My mom says I should have listened to her, but honestly I guess I don't listen unless someone is yelling at me. Just like a little kid huh.
Growing up is starting to become a better and better idea to me.
I'm trying not to get stressed out but in doing that I'm sort of letting things slide down to even worse territory. What can I do at this point. Nothing but pray i suppose and the way I have been behaving lately I'm not sure if God will really want to help me. So maybe I truly am screwed for the first time in my life.
All I know is that for most of the time the fam was here in the back of my mind I was secretly wishing they would hurry up and leave so I could have my space and my peace and quiet back again. Maybe that's normal. I tried not to show it but I think my secret wish was so huge that it began to seep through my seams. Sorry guys.
Anywhoo. I am of course in a bit of a predicament having to do with getting a student loan to start this Preporatory program for Ross. While I was in school and after I finished i did not defer my student loans from undergrad. I only made forbarences on some of them after I finished at USF and by then it was too late. I have negative history on my credit report now. So I cannot get a private student loan without a cosigner. And I cannot apply with a cosinger until I have cleared up so delinquent loans from one of my other lenders. It sucks because I planned to be here for a month and then when school started I was supposed to have my loan money and that was at the end of this month. Now rent is due, school is starting in 2 days and I have no money, no loans on the way, and no letter from my lender which was supposed to be putting me into forbarence. I'm screwed unless I can get this loan I am truley screwed. Oh and my phone and light bills are past due.
A lot of this trouble is due to my irresponsibility. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was thinking I would just ignore the creditors and they would go away. I was thinking I would just leave the loans be until I started school again and they would be deferred. Well that thinking was wrong. I ignored my problems and they got worse and came back to bite me in the ass.
Such is life.
But it doesn't have to be that way. I should have made better decisions. My mom says I should have listened to her, but honestly I guess I don't listen unless someone is yelling at me. Just like a little kid huh.
Growing up is starting to become a better and better idea to me.
I'm trying not to get stressed out but in doing that I'm sort of letting things slide down to even worse territory. What can I do at this point. Nothing but pray i suppose and the way I have been behaving lately I'm not sure if God will really want to help me. So maybe I truly am screwed for the first time in my life.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I am back, after a long Hiatus. I never do seem to be able to stick to these things. Anyway I'm trying.
So today my sister and I got into a huge argument? She says it was a "conversation" to me it sounded more like an argument since, she started throwing insults my way and ended up hanging up the phone on me. Yea my sis is 6 years younger than me. But she is very smart and very interesting to have conversations with. The only thing is that she can act like a little know it all. I think she has reached some kind of "enlightened" stage in her life and she is now trying to spread this to other people. Or she thinks people need to think the way she does. I don't know.
It is very interesting and it got pretty heated but now that it's over I want to it back and evaluate what exactly happened so I can really understand what went on. Was a wrong in any of the things I said how can I change my behavior, what would I do differently if presented with the same situation.
How it started, and I notice my sister likes to do this a lot, when you are talking to her she likes to disagree with certain points I you make. Now sometimes I can see this as her begin a little arrogant. But perhaps like she said, she is just trying to have a conversation. I think I get a little defensive when she does this. Next time I will take a step back, think about what she said and then present my side, or opinion. But to be honest I think I did get defensive which may have been part of the reason the argument escalated as it did.
Anyway it started off with us talking about Bernie Mac and how he died ( I recently watched soul men) and she made the statement that he didn't look like he was 50. My sister stated that our mother doesn't look her age either. Anyway somehow this got to us talking about how people feel about themselves when we look in the mirror. Oh yea she said she doesn't think people should lose weight just for vanity reason. And I said, "well I don't see anything wrong with losing weight if you don't like how you look in the mirror. Why not? "
"Health is a better reason to loose weight". she says.
And I go "Yea but still if you feel fine with the way you look and you are overweight there is nothing wrong with that." I wasn't really talking about health since we were talking about appearances in the first place.
So somehow we got on the topic of plastic surgery, I think I brought it up. I made a statement, somewhere along the lines of "Those doctors like the ones on the TV show Doctor 90210, are bad doctors for treating people who have psychological issues, and don't need plastic surgery the need therapy." I gave the example of the couple who came on , the woman was like a size zero literally and wanted to get some extra love handles removed. And I said that was crazy she looked fine. To me it reminds me of people who are anorexic and can be skin and bones but still look in the mirror and say they are fat. My opinion is that a good doctor would not perform surgery on that type of person they would at least send them for psychological evaluation first.
For some reason she decided to argue with me on that and say, "Oh how can you know that...your wrong" And I said I'm sorry but as a doctor it is your duty to help people with their health and if you are using your skills soley for the purpose of making money, that is wrong.
But she went on to disagree and say that I cant know if those people are bad doctors because I don't know them and I have never gone and spoken to them in person. Then I said I was making and educated guess from my observations. Apparently she felt it was wrong that I use the word "educated guess" because when you make and educated guess you must have legitimate sources from which you are making this guess. And then I laughed.
Now I will give you the reason that I laughed, because she was getting into semantics. We are having a silly discussion about something that has no bearing on anything. I mean I am not planning to publish this in JAMA or something. So I laughed partly to show that I am keeping this light, (not taking it too seriously) and at the situation because now, on top of her telling me I was wrong about what I thought about the doctors, now she's telling me I don't know what an educated guess means. Honestly I thought it was funny.
So then I told her that she was getting into semantics , obviously I meant an assumption made from my observations. Oh don't remember what else I said but I do remember her at that point telling me that I sounded like an idiot. Now here is where I got a little upset. I mean she takes everything so personally. Later on she told me she felt I had insulted her by laughing. She didn't even know why I laughed but she said it was an insult because I was laughing at her. This is where I have to realise that yes my sister is smart but she is still very sensitive and childish in many ways. She believes she is right about everything, thought she won't say it and that everyone she view things the way she does.
We ended up calling my mother and getting her into the conversation. I just wanted my sister to understand where I was coming from. My mother of course agreed with me, and said that those doctor's that use there skills to make money off of people's insecurities and body image issues are unethical. But my sister kept arguing that "No we don't know what those doctor's think. They could really think that they are helping people."
Now looking back on it I think my sister was generalizing my statements on these type of doctors, to my opinions on all different types of people. Later on she told me that I was being closed-minded. And she kept trying to apply my statement about bad cosmetic surgeons to other people.
For example she said" people who commit civil disobedience are bad people" I told her I never said that.
So I think I know what was happening but I'm not sure. She believes that I am a closed minded person from my statements and she was trying to "show me" as she said that I don't know everything and that I can view things from a different point of view. She said she was trying to get me to admit that I could be wrong and that my opinion is not the only point that could exist. Now if that is honestly what she was trying to do, that's not really a bad thing. It was how she went about doing it. To me it felt like she was attacking me, and trying to tell me basically, that "You don't know what you are talking about".
See what I don't get is why she took this opportunity to do it. I am no idiot or fool. I know that there are different ways to think about things. What happened was I was trying to get her to understand my opinion. When she understood it, she was just trying to get me to say that I could be wrong. So it turned into an argument and her calling me closed minded. And I said maybe I am close-minded about this specific situation, but that doesn't mean I a am close minded person. It just means that I have formed an opinion about this topic and there is really no changing my mind. Now that does not mean that I am not aware of the fact that other possibilities do exist. Like yes, maybe the doctor's on Dr. 90210 use there skills in other ways, maybe there are cosmetic surgeons who truly think they are improving the self image of people by giving them cosmetic surgeons. But I was using those doctors as and example just so she could see what I was talking about. But she turned it into something entirely different, and I went along with it.
I do not like the fact that she wants to critique everything I say, analyze it, turn it into something else, and disagree. Something is weird about that. I am not sure why she does it. It makes it hard to have a pleasant conversation with her. It's like you have to walk on eggshells and be careful what you say. I think of my sister now as my , friend, a very good friend but this behavior makes it hard to talk to her like one. It's like talking to your English professor or something. He He.
If anyone reads this I'd appreciate some opinions on what you think happened.
I mean even when I made the statement about our mother not having the willpower to stick to a diet and exercises plan so that she can loose weight she said..."She has four reasons why she doesn't want to work out". She was talking a bout us, her kids. That was after I had said she works long hours so I understand it's hard. Its kind of scary. I mean if she thinks that our mother having kids has been such a detriment to her life, well then how must she feel about herself. Not very good eh. I told her that no, its not her having kids, she just has to muster up the extra strength to do it and being tired after work isn't really a reason its and excuse. She could do it if she really wanted to.
I guess I just have a more optimistic view on life than she does. She truly is a pessimist.
So the conversation ended up with her hanging up on me. She had said earlier that my opinion was wrong.
I feel better now after talking to my mom. She does that to her and my brother a lot so it's nothing to worry about. I guess from now on I'll just let it go. The only thing is I don't like to be told that I'm wrong either. LOL
So next time I see her getting like that I won't take offense. I have no problem debating with her, It's kinda fun to me too. But I have to remember that she is kind of insecure. Maybe that's where the passion comes from. I really don't know. At the same time though I am her sister, so like my ma said I have to tell her about herself. I wonder if she does it to other people though.
If she was trying to tell me that I was close minded, which I am not, I will keep in mind though that there are other possibilities. That is a good thing to keep in the back of your head when considering any situations. But I do think we should have our own morals and standards that we stick to. You can't be too open minded in other words, or else you get your self into trouble. And that's the moral of the story.
Good night world
So today my sister and I got into a huge argument? She says it was a "conversation" to me it sounded more like an argument since, she started throwing insults my way and ended up hanging up the phone on me. Yea my sis is 6 years younger than me. But she is very smart and very interesting to have conversations with. The only thing is that she can act like a little know it all. I think she has reached some kind of "enlightened" stage in her life and she is now trying to spread this to other people. Or she thinks people need to think the way she does. I don't know.
It is very interesting and it got pretty heated but now that it's over I want to it back and evaluate what exactly happened so I can really understand what went on. Was a wrong in any of the things I said how can I change my behavior, what would I do differently if presented with the same situation.
How it started, and I notice my sister likes to do this a lot, when you are talking to her she likes to disagree with certain points I you make. Now sometimes I can see this as her begin a little arrogant. But perhaps like she said, she is just trying to have a conversation. I think I get a little defensive when she does this. Next time I will take a step back, think about what she said and then present my side, or opinion. But to be honest I think I did get defensive which may have been part of the reason the argument escalated as it did.
Anyway it started off with us talking about Bernie Mac and how he died ( I recently watched soul men) and she made the statement that he didn't look like he was 50. My sister stated that our mother doesn't look her age either. Anyway somehow this got to us talking about how people feel about themselves when we look in the mirror. Oh yea she said she doesn't think people should lose weight just for vanity reason. And I said, "well I don't see anything wrong with losing weight if you don't like how you look in the mirror. Why not? "
"Health is a better reason to loose weight". she says.
And I go "Yea but still if you feel fine with the way you look and you are overweight there is nothing wrong with that." I wasn't really talking about health since we were talking about appearances in the first place.
So somehow we got on the topic of plastic surgery, I think I brought it up. I made a statement, somewhere along the lines of "Those doctors like the ones on the TV show Doctor 90210, are bad doctors for treating people who have psychological issues, and don't need plastic surgery the need therapy." I gave the example of the couple who came on , the woman was like a size zero literally and wanted to get some extra love handles removed. And I said that was crazy she looked fine. To me it reminds me of people who are anorexic and can be skin and bones but still look in the mirror and say they are fat. My opinion is that a good doctor would not perform surgery on that type of person they would at least send them for psychological evaluation first.
For some reason she decided to argue with me on that and say, "Oh how can you know that...your wrong" And I said I'm sorry but as a doctor it is your duty to help people with their health and if you are using your skills soley for the purpose of making money, that is wrong.
But she went on to disagree and say that I cant know if those people are bad doctors because I don't know them and I have never gone and spoken to them in person. Then I said I was making and educated guess from my observations. Apparently she felt it was wrong that I use the word "educated guess" because when you make and educated guess you must have legitimate sources from which you are making this guess. And then I laughed.
Now I will give you the reason that I laughed, because she was getting into semantics. We are having a silly discussion about something that has no bearing on anything. I mean I am not planning to publish this in JAMA or something. So I laughed partly to show that I am keeping this light, (not taking it too seriously) and at the situation because now, on top of her telling me I was wrong about what I thought about the doctors, now she's telling me I don't know what an educated guess means. Honestly I thought it was funny.
So then I told her that she was getting into semantics , obviously I meant an assumption made from my observations. Oh don't remember what else I said but I do remember her at that point telling me that I sounded like an idiot. Now here is where I got a little upset. I mean she takes everything so personally. Later on she told me she felt I had insulted her by laughing. She didn't even know why I laughed but she said it was an insult because I was laughing at her. This is where I have to realise that yes my sister is smart but she is still very sensitive and childish in many ways. She believes she is right about everything, thought she won't say it and that everyone she view things the way she does.
We ended up calling my mother and getting her into the conversation. I just wanted my sister to understand where I was coming from. My mother of course agreed with me, and said that those doctor's that use there skills to make money off of people's insecurities and body image issues are unethical. But my sister kept arguing that "No we don't know what those doctor's think. They could really think that they are helping people."
Now looking back on it I think my sister was generalizing my statements on these type of doctors, to my opinions on all different types of people. Later on she told me that I was being closed-minded. And she kept trying to apply my statement about bad cosmetic surgeons to other people.
For example she said" people who commit civil disobedience are bad people" I told her I never said that.
So I think I know what was happening but I'm not sure. She believes that I am a closed minded person from my statements and she was trying to "show me" as she said that I don't know everything and that I can view things from a different point of view. She said she was trying to get me to admit that I could be wrong and that my opinion is not the only point that could exist. Now if that is honestly what she was trying to do, that's not really a bad thing. It was how she went about doing it. To me it felt like she was attacking me, and trying to tell me basically, that "You don't know what you are talking about".
See what I don't get is why she took this opportunity to do it. I am no idiot or fool. I know that there are different ways to think about things. What happened was I was trying to get her to understand my opinion. When she understood it, she was just trying to get me to say that I could be wrong. So it turned into an argument and her calling me closed minded. And I said maybe I am close-minded about this specific situation, but that doesn't mean I a am close minded person. It just means that I have formed an opinion about this topic and there is really no changing my mind. Now that does not mean that I am not aware of the fact that other possibilities do exist. Like yes, maybe the doctor's on Dr. 90210 use there skills in other ways, maybe there are cosmetic surgeons who truly think they are improving the self image of people by giving them cosmetic surgeons. But I was using those doctors as and example just so she could see what I was talking about. But she turned it into something entirely different, and I went along with it.
I do not like the fact that she wants to critique everything I say, analyze it, turn it into something else, and disagree. Something is weird about that. I am not sure why she does it. It makes it hard to have a pleasant conversation with her. It's like you have to walk on eggshells and be careful what you say. I think of my sister now as my , friend, a very good friend but this behavior makes it hard to talk to her like one. It's like talking to your English professor or something. He He.
If anyone reads this I'd appreciate some opinions on what you think happened.
I mean even when I made the statement about our mother not having the willpower to stick to a diet and exercises plan so that she can loose weight she said..."She has four reasons why she doesn't want to work out". She was talking a bout us, her kids. That was after I had said she works long hours so I understand it's hard. Its kind of scary. I mean if she thinks that our mother having kids has been such a detriment to her life, well then how must she feel about herself. Not very good eh. I told her that no, its not her having kids, she just has to muster up the extra strength to do it and being tired after work isn't really a reason its and excuse. She could do it if she really wanted to.
I guess I just have a more optimistic view on life than she does. She truly is a pessimist.
So the conversation ended up with her hanging up on me. She had said earlier that my opinion was wrong.
I feel better now after talking to my mom. She does that to her and my brother a lot so it's nothing to worry about. I guess from now on I'll just let it go. The only thing is I don't like to be told that I'm wrong either. LOL
So next time I see her getting like that I won't take offense. I have no problem debating with her, It's kinda fun to me too. But I have to remember that she is kind of insecure. Maybe that's where the passion comes from. I really don't know. At the same time though I am her sister, so like my ma said I have to tell her about herself. I wonder if she does it to other people though.
If she was trying to tell me that I was close minded, which I am not, I will keep in mind though that there are other possibilities. That is a good thing to keep in the back of your head when considering any situations. But I do think we should have our own morals and standards that we stick to. You can't be too open minded in other words, or else you get your self into trouble. And that's the moral of the story.
Good night world
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Morning Conversations Part 3
Yes writing this all out helped me to see the truth. What he really wanted out of me. I guess I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and wanted to believe that there really is a guy out there who could just be interested in me, for me and just me, and the warm hole between my legs.
I'm sure he's out there somewhere, but honestly I have yet to meet him. Not one single guy that I have tried to get to know, hasn't made the attempt. I don't get it. I'm not saying guys are trying to get with me all the time. But to just have a friend. Even the one's that I call my friends now have gone there. I gues I just choose to let it go for the sake of our friendships which I hold more valuable than a single transgression.
But it really sucks. I mean it really does.
I'm getting older now I you'd think I've come to understand these things. And you'd think the guys would change. But they don't. It's still the SSDD. :-(
At the same time, though. I continue to give in. Even in though in the back of my mind I tell myself, I know this isn't going anywhere. And I can't say I want it just as much as they do because honestly, sex, the act itself, has never been that enjoyable for me. But still.
I feel like a 16 year old girl at times. I will just have to learn to be strong. To see through the crap and see the person for who he really is and what he really wants. Thats what I will do. I take it as a lesson learned.
I'm sure he's out there somewhere, but honestly I have yet to meet him. Not one single guy that I have tried to get to know, hasn't made the attempt. I don't get it. I'm not saying guys are trying to get with me all the time. But to just have a friend. Even the one's that I call my friends now have gone there. I gues I just choose to let it go for the sake of our friendships which I hold more valuable than a single transgression.
But it really sucks. I mean it really does.
I'm getting older now I you'd think I've come to understand these things. And you'd think the guys would change. But they don't. It's still the SSDD. :-(
At the same time, though. I continue to give in. Even in though in the back of my mind I tell myself, I know this isn't going anywhere. And I can't say I want it just as much as they do because honestly, sex, the act itself, has never been that enjoyable for me. But still.
I feel like a 16 year old girl at times. I will just have to learn to be strong. To see through the crap and see the person for who he really is and what he really wants. Thats what I will do. I take it as a lesson learned.
Morning Conversations Part 2
Yes things went totally different than what I expected from Mr. E.
Ok I'm having a memory laps but I know he called me a few weeks later after not hearing from him at all. I usually send out holiday texts to mostly everyone in my contact list from my cell phone. Now I can't remember if he called me after I sent him this text or before. Maybe it was my texting him that prompted his phone call but anywhoo, he began texting me on a regular basis.
At the time I was still working for the test scoring company so basically we would text all day, I mean all day, back and forth. And I will admit it was nice. I liked the attention and I liked getting to know someone new and getting to make new first impressions. He seemed to really "digg" me.
Oh yea, he would tell me how unique I was and how much he wanted to get to know me and become friends. Yes yes yes. And friends, just friends that's all. He told me about his recent break up out of a six year relationship that had really messed him up. Oh and I fell for it yes yes yes. I just didn't know at the time I was falling for it. I thought it was all innocent and nice.
Then the talk got sexual. As you would expect. But it was cool at first just talk. Not really about sex between him and me. Just talk about what we like, what we don't like, what we've done and wanted to do. I liked that too. Then came the pictures. He sent me some pictures of him, and eventually he convinced me to do the same. Oh and he told me how "blessed" I was and what a nice body I had and how he wondered about me...
Damn looking back I don't see how I fell for it. It's so clear now. But I guess it was the SSDD. Yea Same shit different dude, different accent, different culture, just a different twist on the same crap guys always do when the want to bed you. The difference with him as that, he was very persistent. MMMHMM, and I guess that's what I liked.
When he started to suggest to me, in his subtle, and not so subtle ways that he wanted to have sex, or at least fool around or whatever, I told myself I wouldn't do it. Because I KNOW what happens. I would do it and we wouldn't be together and then I would just feel like shit. Another sex partner added to my list and for what? I had prided myself on having so few partners at the time (3) and I didn't want to increase that number. I kept telling myself I would " wait until I'm married" again. Yea like that worked the first time.
So I went down to MIA to visit my good friend and he and I met up. We just hung out, played some basketball (which was also the center point of many of our conversations) and went to eat at IHOP afterward. I just remember thinking how different he was. I wanted to sit next to me in the booth instead of across which was pretty much uncustomary for me. And I liked it, all of it. I liked how he dressed, how he look and spoke. The accent of course, that's always a killer for me.
He kept trying to get me to give him a hug, a good hug, in parking lot when he dropped me off. And that was it. I went back, spent the rest of my weekend with my friend and came home.
So we continued talking on the phone (at some point the texts had developed into additional daily phone calls) and I liked it. I got used to talking to him everyday and I would look forward to it. I mean, allot.
I went back to MIA again because my friend, who I had visited before, was graduating from med school. Awesome right, yea even more awesome because I would see Mr. E again. This time I stayed in hotel. Oh I told myself and everyone else that it was because her place would be to crowded with all her family being there. But somewhere in my subconscious I knew it was because I wanted to be alone with him.
And we were alone. The first night I got there he took me to this Jamaican spot. We ate, drank danced a little and talked. Then we went back to my room laid on the couch and watched tv. We had this little joke going about me being a vampire, (I had recently read Octavia Butler's Fledgling so I was all into that) and that next time I saw him I was going to bite him and turn him.
So while laying there on the couch, my head resting on his chest, he asked for his bite. I began to suck his neck, one of the things he had told me he loved, and then he kissed me. Then this all turned into a huge make out session on the floor. Which moved to some hot and heavy stuff in the bed. But fortunately I was on my period so we didn't have sex. Yey for me. I was strong I resisted... Syke!
The next time I came to MIA just to see him. I got a room. He came to the room. We chilled...more heavy petting, aka hand jobs, making out and what not. Then early the next morning whoops it slipped in. OMG his reaction was priceless. He acted like " Wow I can't believe that just happened, I'm sorry I didn't mean to take it that far" Now I won't lie it wasn't all on him. I encouraged it a bit. But for him to pretend like he didn't want it or he was trying not to let that happen, give me a freakin break.
So then we had sex. It was ok. he came pretty quick, I didn't come at all, as usual. And it was over. We did it a few more times over that weekend and then went to the beach the morning before I left. He doesn't like the water.
Then I wanted to see him again. But dammit I had done all that driving down there to see him I wanted him to come see me. I wanted him to come, desperately. And I let it show. I offered to pay his way and everything. He said no, in his gentlemanly way. Then I offered to pop down there and do some freakishly wonderfuly nasty things to him. And he said no, it was "last minute", his favorite thing to say.
Finally he suggested we meet half way. That's where Naples started. We got a room there, screwed all weekend and just hung out. This happened twice or maybe three times. Then I ended up going down there to see him again.
Each time I would seem him his niceness and gentlemanliness seemed to become less and less. As did the phone calls and texts. He would always want to take me somewhere, buy me something... which I usually turned down just to be nice, that started to go too. The last time I was there, he actually "fell asleep" and never showed up when he was supposed to meet me ( That was the weekend I wanted to surprise him with the Garmin, I had got for him). Its all correlated now that I look back. This all culminated in me telling him that I was in love with him. Am I, was I ? No. I just said it because I didn't like the fact he started talking to me less. He told me blatantly in the beginning that he didn't want a relationship, and that he wasn't as "perfect" as I thought. And he wasn't lying. But I don't know I guess I expected a different outcome since we had had sex. Next time when a guy straight up WARNS me, I'll listen.
So no more nightly conversations on the phone until we both fall asleep. No more daily after work calls while I'm driving to my phlebotomy class and he's on his way to play soccer. No more texting each other all day while we're at work. No more talking for 4 hours straight on lazy Sunday afternoons. Nope...that all came and then faded away. Over the course of about 6 months.
But there's still the Morning Conversations. The damned morning conversations are the most confusing and frustrating thing ever. A while back he asked me to call him in the mornings to wake him up since we both get up around the same time to go to work. I would. At first I would call every morning he would answer and say he would call me back. Then we'd talk on the phone while we both drove to work. Then he quite answering the calls so I just texted. And when I stopped doing either, he would make little comments like he expected me to still wake him up in the mornings. So now I just text him " Good morning" pretty much everyday that I'm going to work and he pretty much always calls me back to talk for about 15 to 20 minutes while we both drive to work. And this is constant.
Every morning although sometimes it's the only time we talk during the day. ( which i guess would be a bit much in any normal situation, I don't talk to any of my other friends that often, not even my mother...but if he didn't call I would be down for the whole day) Every morning.
I just don't get it. He quit talking to me all around, like we used to, like when I thought we were going to be the best of friends. But the calls are consistent. Why does he do it? I mean I don't live in his town so there's no guarantee that he's gonna get some booty if that's all he wants. I think most men would have abandoned it a long time ago and moved onto something more convenient.
Sometimes I think It's just something to do to keep himself awake while he drives.
I don't like him as much anymore. (Cuz he hurt my feewlings) But I'm still attached. My total and utter addiction to/ obsession with him is slowly fading away (Thank God). But I like the calls. And I have a feeling that If he doesn't call. I don't know. I would be relieved. Because that's what I would expect from him. From any man.
All he wanted was sex. And when he got it, the thrill of the chase was over. But I'm still here. So maybe they are just maintenance calls. It could be the fact that I'm moving down to MIA. Just wants to make sure he still has a chance. He's made certain comments like how he wants his birthday present from me to be some .. you know what. And how when I get down there I'm going to give him a massage...etc
And I don't say no. I never do.
Lease Signing
I signed the lease on my new condo today. I am very excited and nervous at the same time to be moving.
I welcome the change of scenery and hopefully I can make some changes with this new start.
I feel I will have more freedom when I move down.
I want to get my body, mind, and emotions into shape for when school starts.
It's going to be a long road.
I welcome the change of scenery and hopefully I can make some changes with this new start.
I feel I will have more freedom when I move down.
I want to get my body, mind, and emotions into shape for when school starts.
It's going to be a long road.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Morning Conversations Part 1
Morning conversations with my "friend" Mr E. Ah yes Mr E put me through some thangs. Most of it was my own fault - due to my obsessive personality and my stupid naivety. We met through a friend of mine when he came up from miami to see her off as she was about to move to new york. Yes i had just then started my work of trying to increase my confidence and all that good stuff so when i was about to leave the club i asked him if he wanted to exchange numbers so that if i was in miami we could meet up. And by that i promise my intentions were pure. Dating was not on my mind and sex was even further. I was still relishing at that point in the joy of having finally gotten over my ex- thats a WHOLE other story. Any way i was just hoping that at most he could introduce me to some good raggae spots and at the least i would probably never hear from him again. And either was fine by me. I was
starting to enjoy being alone...but things went in a totally different direction...
starting to enjoy being alone...but things went in a totally different direction...
Friday, October 10, 2008
It didnt burn it didnt burn yey!
It's funny how my memory can be so bad at times. This maked me question how much I can trust myself. Discrepencies may arise in my own perception of the way certain events took place and its kind of scary.
I really want to work on improving my memory.
Epilogue:
By the way I left the hotplate on overnight more than once. The second time I did it the glass bowl cracked and one of my co-workers found it that way. How embarrassing; sometimes I can be so careless.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sleeping with my ex
That's it though, just sleeping. (not exactly JUST sleeping-but there's no actual sex going in). As a matter of fact hes snoring next to me right as i type.
He was recently released from house arrest so I agreed to meet him to watch a movie two days ago...and that turned into him spending the night every night since. I'm not in the least bit interested in getting back together with him but he has made it pretty obvious that he wants me back. I have made it clear to him that it wont happen and he says that's OK, we can just be friends. I don't know, it feels wrong in a way but i guess I'm so lonely that my judgement is not at its best.
He also is not privy to the fact that I'm moving away in less than a month. I haven't told him out of spite. ...
Things like this are the reason I'm on my journey for self improvement. but at the same time we broke up so he really doesn't have the right to know about any thing that goes on in my life.
Can't Sleep
My Life Journey Part 1
This blog is about everything and anything that has to do with the journey of my life. In 2005 I decided that I wanted to become a doctor. Now, 2005 is not when my life started obviously ( I was actually born in 10984-good year), but it is when I made one of the most important decisions I have ever made. So I went through the whole torturous process of studying for the MCAT, taking the MCAT (3 times) and applying to several medical schools. Anyway, med schools like to ask you some interesting essay questions and a lot of them got me thinking They got me thinking really hard about who I am, the kind of person I want to be, and what kind of doctor I will make.
So I have finally been accepted to a medical school (sort of-I will get into that later) and I figure since it's going to take me 4 years to get the education I need to have the title MD after my name, I might as well take this time to also "find myself"' if you will.
I started reading some self help books, originally just to help myself out for the med school interview, and I found some of them so helpful that I wanted to use the to apply to my life in general. The book I am reading right now is call Celebrating Yourself. It about building up self esteem.
I'm trying to improve my body as well. I am not overweight. I have always been athletic and enjoy playing basketball. But now that I am working it has become more difficult to motivate myself to exercise. Thats another thing I want to do is get back into shape and stay fit.
I also have some other past issues I really need to face and deal with. I will probably need to get into some kind of therapy or counseling at some point along this journey.
So basically this blog will be just a daily open diary on my thoughts and observations about my self, other people, life in general and my journey to becoming a doctor.
So I have finally been accepted to a medical school (sort of-I will get into that later) and I figure since it's going to take me 4 years to get the education I need to have the title MD after my name, I might as well take this time to also "find myself"' if you will.
I started reading some self help books, originally just to help myself out for the med school interview, and I found some of them so helpful that I wanted to use the to apply to my life in general. The book I am reading right now is call Celebrating Yourself. It about building up self esteem.
I'm trying to improve my body as well. I am not overweight. I have always been athletic and enjoy playing basketball. But now that I am working it has become more difficult to motivate myself to exercise. Thats another thing I want to do is get back into shape and stay fit.
I also have some other past issues I really need to face and deal with. I will probably need to get into some kind of therapy or counseling at some point along this journey.
So basically this blog will be just a daily open diary on my thoughts and observations about my self, other people, life in general and my journey to becoming a doctor.
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