I'm laying in bed fighting the caffeine to keep my eyes closed. It's not working anymore so I'm just lying there under the covers in my underwear think, think, thinking about everything.
I first started thinking about Mrs. S my PBL instructor. Today she told us a very personal story in class. And I'm wondering why, would she tell us this. Is she that selfless that she wants to share with us her experience in hopes of helping us to be better, more sensitive physicians. Or does she some how get off on talking about herself and having everyone sitting around facing her with sympathy in their eyes. One or the other. Her story was about her husband dying and her having to go through dealing with the local police as they practically accused her of "bumping him off" as she so eloquently called it. Very sad. And I can't imagine how painful that must have been for her. But she's still here on this Island although he's long gone. Why does she stay? I would love to sit down and have a conversation about that and thank her for sharing but...ugh. You can't get to personal with people. Why not? I don't know. And I thought about if she were to ask me why I don't talk in PBL much, the answer I would give her. I do that a lot, I think about someone asking me a question that I know damned well they never will, but still I think about what I would say...or what I would like to say atleast. And I would have said to her that in PBL we are not solving a real case, and consciously and subconsciously I know this. So my mind just does not click over into that mode of thinking. I'm not going to come up with some amazing idea to share with the class because everything that want us to say is clearly planned out. Every thought that goes through my mind is something either so obvious or far out of the box that it's not even worth saying. So I don't know. It's a good concept to try to get us to practice, and apply the knowledge that we have learned so far but it's just not real. And in that way it's kind of pointless. Sometimes it's like in a movie where they cut to a certain person's face and your like oh, I know he has something to do with it or why else would they have mentioned it. So you start using lame clues like that to figure out the case. It's not realistic. Pooh.
Then I started thinking about Akiss2desire. I sort of had a little mini fantasy about her. I imagined us in some hotel room sitting on the edge of the bed. Me looking down afraid to make eye contact while she genltly puts her hand under my chin, gazes into my eyes and assures me that "no matter what happens" it's not just about the sex. HAHA. Yea fucking right. How could you possible choose to have sex with someone before you hardly get to know them and then say it's not about the sex. Sure you talk online and get to know her first, but the whole purpose of your talk is for one motive, to get her into bed so you can do all of the lovely things you love to write about on your blog. HA. I e-mailed her today hoping she would give me some advice. I was a lot nicer in the e-mail though.
My thoughts wandered more. I thought about Chidi and the way she looks at me sometimes and I wondered if maybe if she's a little bicurious herself. But then I don't know, I've learned there are people in this world that are super friendly and they love attention. And if they see you are a new person and aren't making great efforts to become one of their followers, they kind of get an itch. And thats where all the super big smiles as you walk past them, and the hello's come from although I've only spoken to you once or twice before. Well at least that's what I think it is when it comes to me. I'm just not that interesting, witty, or charming for it to be anything else. It only lasts so long until they forget about you though. But I still did think of her and me in a bed. I think I have more of an attraction for white women for whatever odd reason (cuz I definitely like black men more) but if there is one black girl I could see myself with, it would be her. But when we are passing by each other alone, she doesn't make much effort to start conversation with me. And she isn't shy, I am, so if she wanted to she would and now my little dream bubble floating above my head gets popped and I drift back down to reality.
I started thinking more about it not being all about sex and thinking that maybe it is. Maybe that's some people's entire motivation in life. Above everything else when it comes down to it when you are having sex with someone male and female alike, it's not about expressing emotion, and finding a connection it's just about the damned raw nasty sex. The feeling of fucking and the neurotransmitters released into your circulation after the orgasm is just a drug like any other. Even making someone else come can be enough to get you off, like Akiss says. Just primal animal urges that we enjoy satisfying but the intellectual side of our nature makes us put pretty bows and labels on it and call it "love" and etc, etc... Maybe I'm just ignorant though. Perhaps I'm a non -believer because I've never truly felt it that way. It could be real but maybe it's not that easy to find. But that same thought makes me wonder, if I do end up having sex with a woman one day as i'm considering now (which at one point in my life would have been completely out of the question and not even an imaginable option)that I will regret it. That afterward I will realize that I'm just searching for something, maybe a connection, to feel close loved and wanted by another human being but being with a woman is totally not where I'm going to find it. And then I may become extremely disappointed and disgusted with myself for what I did. Then I'll spiral further down into depression and never be able to get back out. The whole thing will just give me more reasons to hate myself. And I've realized that is one of my major problems. Hate may be too harsh of a word, but I don't like myself and I guess I think that no one else will either so I don't try to make friends for fear of rejection. Sigh. But this is me. Real talk.
And then I start to remind myself as I do time and time again that it's not just about ME. I have some other purpose in life, hopefully. I'm just not really sure what it is anymore. I'm here in medical school now and when I first started about a year ago I really had a passion for what I was learning. I could open a physio book to look up one thing and end up reading an entire chapter just because I was so enthralled. Today I'm sitting here reading about hemorrhage, and thrombosis and prostiglandins and arachidonic acid and it is just utterly BORING. I can't focus. I'm not retaining anything. I want to do this because I know down the line there is something good that I can do on this earth before I die, but if this is my calling then why don't I feel the same way about it. I don't want to be doing this just to do it. I think being a doctor is a privilege and we have an obligation to heal people and to do it for the right reasons. And if I'm not learning as much as a I can to be the best doctor that I can be in the future then I would be cheating myself and my future patients. And I don't think I could live with that. So I don't know what to do. I will just have to force myself through it I guess. Suck it up as my coaches used to say.
Then I start thinking that all of this confusion and lost feeling that I'm having in my life right now could be because I've turned my back on God. If I were to go back to him though, how would that change things. Would he give me a spirit of peace. They say that religion gives you hope. Christianity gives you the hope that after you are done struggling through this interim somewhere between hell and heaven we call life, then we will have everlasting joy awaiting us. And I do believe this, or at least I want to. But that still won't change what's happening to me now. I really don't know what to do. At times I really want to give up and let go and just do nothing and watch everything go up into flames. That would be nice in its own way.
My problem is that I think too much. I think about all of this and it always ends bad. With me questioning the pointlessness of life. I don't want to be a sad and depressing person but this is all I see right now. There's nothing that great about it.
Since I've gotten all of that out I'm going to go shower and probably think about Akiss while I do so and see what happens. Sigh...
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Today's Day
Today is Mr E's birthday. So I'm going to call him now and wish him a happy one. It's about 7 am his time so he should be on his way to work. I called him last night around 11pm his time. No answer. I'm sure he was "playing soccer". I have this deep gut feeling that he is really doing something else at times when he tells me he's going to play soccer. I just don't believe him. How can someone who plays soccer 5 times a week, still be complaining of getting fat? This is possible if he is eating huge amounts of food but who knows. What do I care anyway?
I call.
E:Hello
Me: Hi
E: You're up early
Me: I'm always up early
E: sound's like you were partying hard last night
Me: Yea right that's the last thing I would be doing right now
[he couldn't hear me so I repeated this]
Me: Anyway Happy Birthday!
E: Oh you remembered
Me: Um yea I remembered didn't you get my text last night [I texted him happy birthday before I went to sleep]
E: Yea I got your text this morning when I woke up but I figured you would be sleeping so I just...
Me: Mmm
E: Hey give me a minute let me change and call you back
Weird convo. How about thanks for the happy birthday or something. maybe he's not too happy that it's his birthday or maybe he's just an asshole now since I told him he couldn't "give me the vitamin anymore". We'll see. It really annoyed me when he said sounds like I was partying hard. Does he know how stressed out I am about trying to make an A on this final [by the way, I've given up on the A I will settle for a B]. YES but he would make an insensitive comment like that. Maybe he was being sarcastic. I think he was the one partying hard so that was some kind of projection thing onto me. Whatever, I'll see what happens when he calls back. Now time for breakfast.
-----9:30
No call back. Breakfast: oatmeal w/ honey raisins & vanilla, powdered milk no ants. Instant coffee and water. Studied a little biochemistry, the ETC and ROS. Now the coffee is kicking in and energy is expanding inside of me threatening to make me explode if I don't release it somehow. I wish I could go for a run but these old knees won't hold up and the roads are rocky and tortuous. The last thing I need is another injury. Maybe I'll just do some sit ups, push ups, p90x? Yea P90x sounds like a good idea. Ok one more hour of studying and I'll do that.
Random thought: I hate shooting on the far end of the basketball court. The ball always rolls away from you after you a hit a shot because the court is so damn uneven. My gosh, you can feel the baby hills under your feet when you walk across it. They really should have done a better job...people are going to continue to get injured on that messy thing. I think that may have been part of what happened to me. I'm expecting to suffer from arthritis probably in my knees and fingers when I get older. better go take some glucosamine now.
------
The rest of the day I hardly got any studying done. I'm so ready to be through with these finals. I played my guitar and blogged for many hours of the day, perused facebook for unknown quantities of time, and topped off my escapade of procrastination by watching Dexter and Californication. They killed Rita-totally unexpected. I wonder if they will keep her on the show as a ghost or something next season. I can't wait to see what happens. I was so angry they ended it that way but they usually do leave you with your jaw hanging open. I also made a video for Mr E's birthday. As of 12am his time he hadn't watched it yet. I have a feeling yesterday wasn't a good day for him. But I also have this feeling that he was up to something. Me and my always suspicious self...
I call.
E:Hello
Me: Hi
E: You're up early
Me: I'm always up early
E: sound's like you were partying hard last night
Me: Yea right that's the last thing I would be doing right now
[he couldn't hear me so I repeated this]
Me: Anyway Happy Birthday!
E: Oh you remembered
Me: Um yea I remembered didn't you get my text last night [I texted him happy birthday before I went to sleep]
E: Yea I got your text this morning when I woke up but I figured you would be sleeping so I just...
Me: Mmm
E: Hey give me a minute let me change and call you back
Weird convo. How about thanks for the happy birthday or something. maybe he's not too happy that it's his birthday or maybe he's just an asshole now since I told him he couldn't "give me the vitamin anymore". We'll see. It really annoyed me when he said sounds like I was partying hard. Does he know how stressed out I am about trying to make an A on this final [by the way, I've given up on the A I will settle for a B]. YES but he would make an insensitive comment like that. Maybe he was being sarcastic. I think he was the one partying hard so that was some kind of projection thing onto me. Whatever, I'll see what happens when he calls back. Now time for breakfast.
-----9:30
No call back. Breakfast: oatmeal w/ honey raisins & vanilla, powdered milk no ants. Instant coffee and water. Studied a little biochemistry, the ETC and ROS. Now the coffee is kicking in and energy is expanding inside of me threatening to make me explode if I don't release it somehow. I wish I could go for a run but these old knees won't hold up and the roads are rocky and tortuous. The last thing I need is another injury. Maybe I'll just do some sit ups, push ups, p90x? Yea P90x sounds like a good idea. Ok one more hour of studying and I'll do that.
Random thought: I hate shooting on the far end of the basketball court. The ball always rolls away from you after you a hit a shot because the court is so damn uneven. My gosh, you can feel the baby hills under your feet when you walk across it. They really should have done a better job...people are going to continue to get injured on that messy thing. I think that may have been part of what happened to me. I'm expecting to suffer from arthritis probably in my knees and fingers when I get older. better go take some glucosamine now.
------
The rest of the day I hardly got any studying done. I'm so ready to be through with these finals. I played my guitar and blogged for many hours of the day, perused facebook for unknown quantities of time, and topped off my escapade of procrastination by watching Dexter and Californication. They killed Rita-totally unexpected. I wonder if they will keep her on the show as a ghost or something next season. I can't wait to see what happens. I was so angry they ended it that way but they usually do leave you with your jaw hanging open. I also made a video for Mr E's birthday. As of 12am his time he hadn't watched it yet. I have a feeling yesterday wasn't a good day for him. But I also have this feeling that he was up to something. Me and my always suspicious self...
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Beach
So I discovered that there is actually a very very beautiful beach in Dominica. I can't believe I didn't know it was there before. And there I was telling everyone how nasty the beaches were here, with their black rocks for sand and murky waters. I'm sorry Dominica for slandering you.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
Learned to care
I was just thinking how much a think about what others think of me. And that lead to the notion that almost everything I do is because of another peroson, although I like to tell myself that's not true. If a really break down and get real with myself, I've lost myself. Not completly but so much of my individuality is inhibited. I long to break free. To experience life and all it has to offer. Do the best experiences always have to involve other people. Or can it be nature, events, music. No matter what, at some point life is so much about connections with other humans.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Semester Dos & The Break
So I'm back. Back in Dom, on the rock , in the jungle. Here to stay, thank the Lord, for another 4 months. Then it seems it will be another crap shoot. Wow I can't believe I haven't blogged since July. That's a whole month.
I went home for the break, funds provided by my wonderful & loving biological father (of 7, yes 7, I found that out also over the break when I visited my half sister who is now attending my almamater). Stayed over in PR in some hot humid mustay assed hotel called the Coqui Inn. Interesting. And got home. My people where over an hour late coming to get me but that's to be expected. But damn it was nice to be back in "civilization". I'm not trying to talk down on Dominica or the people here but there are certain things that I have grown accustomed to and grown to appreciate in my life that this tiny Island just does not provide. So that Saturday we get there go to my Bro & sis school to pick them up and we eat dinner there. Then we go to my auntie's house because she has a cake for me and pizza and it's like a little welcoem back get together. Just us. And then things get...strange.
Someone there stands up and says, Hey I've been having a problem for a while and I want to talk to you about it. And what's going through my head...maybe he's on drugs, or he spent all his money in the stock market or maybe he got some girl pregnant. These are the normal things you would expect right? Nope it turns out he's been having a problem distinguishing what's real and what is not. So I'm still thinking it's drugs. Long story short...he starts saying a lot of wierd things that don't make any sense such as he thinks he is God & the Devil. It turns out he's had a psychotic break. An actual Psychotic break. We don't find this out until Monday when he has to be Baker acted at the hospital. It was a long hectic few days. And I'm sure worse for him because he was there almost 2 weeks. But that is for another blog another day.
So that was the most of the break. I still couldn't drive so I didn't get to visit with my friends as much as I wanted. I messed up my knee again playing ball. Sis lent me a lot of money, which I have payed her back. But we got into some arguements. And I'm still pretty pissed at her now, but not about that. Hmmm anyway my major consern besides the health issue that I spoke of earlier was getting to come back for second semester. NJ kept telling me I would have to pay the entire 13,336 some odd dollars before I could come down, although before they said I would have to pay atleast half. So I'm email hounding the crap out of my bio Dad and he sends me 7 grand. Of course the transfer doesn't arrive until Tuesday after I get back down here, which was on Monday. So I go into check in on Tuesday, the Bursar pulls up my account and tells me I'll have to pay 25% of what I owe before I can start classes. That's a big drop down from 100%. These people are just assholes. So I pay around $3400 and I'm good to go. I'll just have to make more payments from the rest of the 7thousand and my refund check which I haven't got yet.
A few days ago I got an e-mail from Sallie Mae saying that my graduate plus loan for spring is NOT APPROVED. So it seems just when things where looking up, the sagga continues. Like my Mommy told be over the break, life is a series of storms. You are either just getting out of one or about to go into another one. And it seems my next storm is ready & waiting.
Ah my poor Mom. I know she wanted to break down during this whole thing. But she was strong and stood fast and everything turned out somewhat ok for now.
Since I've been back, oh I got straight A's by the way, 4.0 thank you very much. Nique and I had a break at the end of the semester. He tried to feel my up while I was asleep in his bed so I left and told him I was upset about it. Neway we didn't really talk after that. But when I got back I decided to talk to him again. But I can tell I've been getting on his nerves lately. Partially on purpose, partially just being my crazy old selfe. And I think he's loosing his "interest" in me. This cat had the audacity to tell me he had some chick come visit him over the break and they hooked up. HAHA. but he actually thinks I would get with him. I noticed he is most persistant when he is drunk or online. Never sober while in person. Interesting. He's not serious. Sometimes I wish I were a man so I could do these things and have no conscience about them.
Oh and I saw Mr. E on my flight back I stopped over in MIA for about 6 hours. He was an hour late on pickign me up. We didn't have sex as I told him we wouldn't. I believe he did something with someone on his trip to Jamaica. And I'm pretty sure he's been doing something with someone in MIA. But se la vi. I sent him a harddrive from best buy that he scolded me for but immediatly installed when he picked it up then failed to call me back until the next morning only after I bitched at him for not calling me or texting me back the night before. Which may have cost me my relationship with my sis. It probably hasn't it just depends on whether or not I decide to start talking to her like normal again. Gosh I'm so sick of people all of them. I know humans are not perfect but shoot. Sometimes I would rather just be alone. Which I could be very easily. It just sucks because I know I'm gonna need them someday for something so. I'll have to deal. I'm just tired of trying to be something I'm not. I also feel like people are so shallow. That our relationships are so shallow. Or maybe it's just mine.
I feel like I really don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I do, but I feel like the old me is no longer me anymore. I am no longer that playful humorous imaginitive kid who could think outside of the box. But I'm still not the mature all knowing woman I want to be. I'm just something in the middle which seems not to satisfactory for anyone including myself. I need to spend more time exploring life rather than wondering what other people think of me all the time. It get's annoying. And I also need to spend more time studying if I want to pull off the good grades I did last semester. So time to say adios to all my fictional readers out there. I will be back another day to satisfy your thirst for more stories from my boring life.
I went home for the break, funds provided by my wonderful & loving biological father (of 7, yes 7, I found that out also over the break when I visited my half sister who is now attending my almamater). Stayed over in PR in some hot humid mustay assed hotel called the Coqui Inn. Interesting. And got home. My people where over an hour late coming to get me but that's to be expected. But damn it was nice to be back in "civilization". I'm not trying to talk down on Dominica or the people here but there are certain things that I have grown accustomed to and grown to appreciate in my life that this tiny Island just does not provide. So that Saturday we get there go to my Bro & sis school to pick them up and we eat dinner there. Then we go to my auntie's house because she has a cake for me and pizza and it's like a little welcoem back get together. Just us. And then things get...strange.
Someone there stands up and says, Hey I've been having a problem for a while and I want to talk to you about it. And what's going through my head...maybe he's on drugs, or he spent all his money in the stock market or maybe he got some girl pregnant. These are the normal things you would expect right? Nope it turns out he's been having a problem distinguishing what's real and what is not. So I'm still thinking it's drugs. Long story short...he starts saying a lot of wierd things that don't make any sense such as he thinks he is God & the Devil. It turns out he's had a psychotic break. An actual Psychotic break. We don't find this out until Monday when he has to be Baker acted at the hospital. It was a long hectic few days. And I'm sure worse for him because he was there almost 2 weeks. But that is for another blog another day.
So that was the most of the break. I still couldn't drive so I didn't get to visit with my friends as much as I wanted. I messed up my knee again playing ball. Sis lent me a lot of money, which I have payed her back. But we got into some arguements. And I'm still pretty pissed at her now, but not about that. Hmmm anyway my major consern besides the health issue that I spoke of earlier was getting to come back for second semester. NJ kept telling me I would have to pay the entire 13,336 some odd dollars before I could come down, although before they said I would have to pay atleast half. So I'm email hounding the crap out of my bio Dad and he sends me 7 grand. Of course the transfer doesn't arrive until Tuesday after I get back down here, which was on Monday. So I go into check in on Tuesday, the Bursar pulls up my account and tells me I'll have to pay 25% of what I owe before I can start classes. That's a big drop down from 100%. These people are just assholes. So I pay around $3400 and I'm good to go. I'll just have to make more payments from the rest of the 7thousand and my refund check which I haven't got yet.
A few days ago I got an e-mail from Sallie Mae saying that my graduate plus loan for spring is NOT APPROVED. So it seems just when things where looking up, the sagga continues. Like my Mommy told be over the break, life is a series of storms. You are either just getting out of one or about to go into another one. And it seems my next storm is ready & waiting.
Ah my poor Mom. I know she wanted to break down during this whole thing. But she was strong and stood fast and everything turned out somewhat ok for now.
Since I've been back, oh I got straight A's by the way, 4.0 thank you very much. Nique and I had a break at the end of the semester. He tried to feel my up while I was asleep in his bed so I left and told him I was upset about it. Neway we didn't really talk after that. But when I got back I decided to talk to him again. But I can tell I've been getting on his nerves lately. Partially on purpose, partially just being my crazy old selfe. And I think he's loosing his "interest" in me. This cat had the audacity to tell me he had some chick come visit him over the break and they hooked up. HAHA. but he actually thinks I would get with him. I noticed he is most persistant when he is drunk or online. Never sober while in person. Interesting. He's not serious. Sometimes I wish I were a man so I could do these things and have no conscience about them.
Oh and I saw Mr. E on my flight back I stopped over in MIA for about 6 hours. He was an hour late on pickign me up. We didn't have sex as I told him we wouldn't. I believe he did something with someone on his trip to Jamaica. And I'm pretty sure he's been doing something with someone in MIA. But se la vi. I sent him a harddrive from best buy that he scolded me for but immediatly installed when he picked it up then failed to call me back until the next morning only after I bitched at him for not calling me or texting me back the night before. Which may have cost me my relationship with my sis. It probably hasn't it just depends on whether or not I decide to start talking to her like normal again. Gosh I'm so sick of people all of them. I know humans are not perfect but shoot. Sometimes I would rather just be alone. Which I could be very easily. It just sucks because I know I'm gonna need them someday for something so. I'll have to deal. I'm just tired of trying to be something I'm not. I also feel like people are so shallow. That our relationships are so shallow. Or maybe it's just mine.
I feel like I really don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I do, but I feel like the old me is no longer me anymore. I am no longer that playful humorous imaginitive kid who could think outside of the box. But I'm still not the mature all knowing woman I want to be. I'm just something in the middle which seems not to satisfactory for anyone including myself. I need to spend more time exploring life rather than wondering what other people think of me all the time. It get's annoying. And I also need to spend more time studying if I want to pull off the good grades I did last semester. So time to say adios to all my fictional readers out there. I will be back another day to satisfy your thirst for more stories from my boring life.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Dominica the Beginning
Here I am, I've finally decided to post again. Why am I so bad at these things? Hmmm if I really think about it hard...probably because no one is making me do it. I have to make myself do it and making myself do things is not one of my strong points. But I am going to try, although I don't have much time these days. Well, I shouldn't have much time but as much time as I waste doing other things I'm not supposed to I might as well waste it updating my blog.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thanksgiving
So Thanksgiving has come and gone and so has my family. They whisked their way down to visit and have a nice little holiday here in the MIA with me. Step dad came all the way from Texas. Retrospectively it seems it was nice having them here for the first day at least, but of course personalities began to clash and I began to miss my alone time. I never realized how much I actually enjoy being alone. I don't like to be this way all the time but most of the time I really don't mind it. Does that make me selfish? Self centered? Antisocial? I don't know. Is this something about myself I should reject or embrace? Or maybe I combination of the two. I really don't know.
All I know is that for most of the time the fam was here in the back of my mind I was secretly wishing they would hurry up and leave so I could have my space and my peace and quiet back again. Maybe that's normal. I tried not to show it but I think my secret wish was so huge that it began to seep through my seams. Sorry guys.
Anywhoo. I am of course in a bit of a predicament having to do with getting a student loan to start this Preporatory program for Ross. While I was in school and after I finished i did not defer my student loans from undergrad. I only made forbarences on some of them after I finished at USF and by then it was too late. I have negative history on my credit report now. So I cannot get a private student loan without a cosigner. And I cannot apply with a cosinger until I have cleared up so delinquent loans from one of my other lenders. It sucks because I planned to be here for a month and then when school started I was supposed to have my loan money and that was at the end of this month. Now rent is due, school is starting in 2 days and I have no money, no loans on the way, and no letter from my lender which was supposed to be putting me into forbarence. I'm screwed unless I can get this loan I am truley screwed. Oh and my phone and light bills are past due.
A lot of this trouble is due to my irresponsibility. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was thinking I would just ignore the creditors and they would go away. I was thinking I would just leave the loans be until I started school again and they would be deferred. Well that thinking was wrong. I ignored my problems and they got worse and came back to bite me in the ass.
Such is life.
But it doesn't have to be that way. I should have made better decisions. My mom says I should have listened to her, but honestly I guess I don't listen unless someone is yelling at me. Just like a little kid huh.
Growing up is starting to become a better and better idea to me.
I'm trying not to get stressed out but in doing that I'm sort of letting things slide down to even worse territory. What can I do at this point. Nothing but pray i suppose and the way I have been behaving lately I'm not sure if God will really want to help me. So maybe I truly am screwed for the first time in my life.
All I know is that for most of the time the fam was here in the back of my mind I was secretly wishing they would hurry up and leave so I could have my space and my peace and quiet back again. Maybe that's normal. I tried not to show it but I think my secret wish was so huge that it began to seep through my seams. Sorry guys.
Anywhoo. I am of course in a bit of a predicament having to do with getting a student loan to start this Preporatory program for Ross. While I was in school and after I finished i did not defer my student loans from undergrad. I only made forbarences on some of them after I finished at USF and by then it was too late. I have negative history on my credit report now. So I cannot get a private student loan without a cosigner. And I cannot apply with a cosinger until I have cleared up so delinquent loans from one of my other lenders. It sucks because I planned to be here for a month and then when school started I was supposed to have my loan money and that was at the end of this month. Now rent is due, school is starting in 2 days and I have no money, no loans on the way, and no letter from my lender which was supposed to be putting me into forbarence. I'm screwed unless I can get this loan I am truley screwed. Oh and my phone and light bills are past due.
A lot of this trouble is due to my irresponsibility. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was thinking I would just ignore the creditors and they would go away. I was thinking I would just leave the loans be until I started school again and they would be deferred. Well that thinking was wrong. I ignored my problems and they got worse and came back to bite me in the ass.
Such is life.
But it doesn't have to be that way. I should have made better decisions. My mom says I should have listened to her, but honestly I guess I don't listen unless someone is yelling at me. Just like a little kid huh.
Growing up is starting to become a better and better idea to me.
I'm trying not to get stressed out but in doing that I'm sort of letting things slide down to even worse territory. What can I do at this point. Nothing but pray i suppose and the way I have been behaving lately I'm not sure if God will really want to help me. So maybe I truly am screwed for the first time in my life.
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