I'm laying in bed fighting the caffeine to keep my eyes closed. It's not working anymore so I'm just lying there under the covers in my underwear think, think, thinking about everything.
I first started thinking about Mrs. S my PBL instructor. Today she told us a very personal story in class. And I'm wondering why, would she tell us this. Is she that selfless that she wants to share with us her experience in hopes of helping us to be better, more sensitive physicians. Or does she some how get off on talking about herself and having everyone sitting around facing her with sympathy in their eyes. One or the other. Her story was about her husband dying and her having to go through dealing with the local police as they practically accused her of "bumping him off" as she so eloquently called it. Very sad. And I can't imagine how painful that must have been for her. But she's still here on this Island although he's long gone. Why does she stay? I would love to sit down and have a conversation about that and thank her for sharing but...ugh. You can't get to personal with people. Why not? I don't know. And I thought about if she were to ask me why I don't talk in PBL much, the answer I would give her. I do that a lot, I think about someone asking me a question that I know damned well they never will, but still I think about what I would say...or what I would like to say atleast. And I would have said to her that in PBL we are not solving a real case, and consciously and subconsciously I know this. So my mind just does not click over into that mode of thinking. I'm not going to come up with some amazing idea to share with the class because everything that want us to say is clearly planned out. Every thought that goes through my mind is something either so obvious or far out of the box that it's not even worth saying. So I don't know. It's a good concept to try to get us to practice, and apply the knowledge that we have learned so far but it's just not real. And in that way it's kind of pointless. Sometimes it's like in a movie where they cut to a certain person's face and your like oh, I know he has something to do with it or why else would they have mentioned it. So you start using lame clues like that to figure out the case. It's not realistic. Pooh.
Then I started thinking about Akiss2desire. I sort of had a little mini fantasy about her. I imagined us in some hotel room sitting on the edge of the bed. Me looking down afraid to make eye contact while she genltly puts her hand under my chin, gazes into my eyes and assures me that "no matter what happens" it's not just about the sex. HAHA. Yea fucking right. How could you possible choose to have sex with someone before you hardly get to know them and then say it's not about the sex. Sure you talk online and get to know her first, but the whole purpose of your talk is for one motive, to get her into bed so you can do all of the lovely things you love to write about on your blog. HA. I e-mailed her today hoping she would give me some advice. I was a lot nicer in the e-mail though.
My thoughts wandered more. I thought about Chidi and the way she looks at me sometimes and I wondered if maybe if she's a little bicurious herself. But then I don't know, I've learned there are people in this world that are super friendly and they love attention. And if they see you are a new person and aren't making great efforts to become one of their followers, they kind of get an itch. And thats where all the super big smiles as you walk past them, and the hello's come from although I've only spoken to you once or twice before. Well at least that's what I think it is when it comes to me. I'm just not that interesting, witty, or charming for it to be anything else. It only lasts so long until they forget about you though. But I still did think of her and me in a bed. I think I have more of an attraction for white women for whatever odd reason (cuz I definitely like black men more) but if there is one black girl I could see myself with, it would be her. But when we are passing by each other alone, she doesn't make much effort to start conversation with me. And she isn't shy, I am, so if she wanted to she would and now my little dream bubble floating above my head gets popped and I drift back down to reality.
I started thinking more about it not being all about sex and thinking that maybe it is. Maybe that's some people's entire motivation in life. Above everything else when it comes down to it when you are having sex with someone male and female alike, it's not about expressing emotion, and finding a connection it's just about the damned raw nasty sex. The feeling of fucking and the neurotransmitters released into your circulation after the orgasm is just a drug like any other. Even making someone else come can be enough to get you off, like Akiss says. Just primal animal urges that we enjoy satisfying but the intellectual side of our nature makes us put pretty bows and labels on it and call it "love" and etc, etc... Maybe I'm just ignorant though. Perhaps I'm a non -believer because I've never truly felt it that way. It could be real but maybe it's not that easy to find. But that same thought makes me wonder, if I do end up having sex with a woman one day as i'm considering now (which at one point in my life would have been completely out of the question and not even an imaginable option)that I will regret it. That afterward I will realize that I'm just searching for something, maybe a connection, to feel close loved and wanted by another human being but being with a woman is totally not where I'm going to find it. And then I may become extremely disappointed and disgusted with myself for what I did. Then I'll spiral further down into depression and never be able to get back out. The whole thing will just give me more reasons to hate myself. And I've realized that is one of my major problems. Hate may be too harsh of a word, but I don't like myself and I guess I think that no one else will either so I don't try to make friends for fear of rejection. Sigh. But this is me. Real talk.
And then I start to remind myself as I do time and time again that it's not just about ME. I have some other purpose in life, hopefully. I'm just not really sure what it is anymore. I'm here in medical school now and when I first started about a year ago I really had a passion for what I was learning. I could open a physio book to look up one thing and end up reading an entire chapter just because I was so enthralled. Today I'm sitting here reading about hemorrhage, and thrombosis and prostiglandins and arachidonic acid and it is just utterly BORING. I can't focus. I'm not retaining anything. I want to do this because I know down the line there is something good that I can do on this earth before I die, but if this is my calling then why don't I feel the same way about it. I don't want to be doing this just to do it. I think being a doctor is a privilege and we have an obligation to heal people and to do it for the right reasons. And if I'm not learning as much as a I can to be the best doctor that I can be in the future then I would be cheating myself and my future patients. And I don't think I could live with that. So I don't know what to do. I will just have to force myself through it I guess. Suck it up as my coaches used to say.
Then I start thinking that all of this confusion and lost feeling that I'm having in my life right now could be because I've turned my back on God. If I were to go back to him though, how would that change things. Would he give me a spirit of peace. They say that religion gives you hope. Christianity gives you the hope that after you are done struggling through this interim somewhere between hell and heaven we call life, then we will have everlasting joy awaiting us. And I do believe this, or at least I want to. But that still won't change what's happening to me now. I really don't know what to do. At times I really want to give up and let go and just do nothing and watch everything go up into flames. That would be nice in its own way.
My problem is that I think too much. I think about all of this and it always ends bad. With me questioning the pointlessness of life. I don't want to be a sad and depressing person but this is all I see right now. There's nothing that great about it.
Since I've gotten all of that out I'm going to go shower and probably think about Akiss while I do so and see what happens. Sigh...
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Today's Day
Today is Mr E's birthday. So I'm going to call him now and wish him a happy one. It's about 7 am his time so he should be on his way to work. I called him last night around 11pm his time. No answer. I'm sure he was "playing soccer". I have this deep gut feeling that he is really doing something else at times when he tells me he's going to play soccer. I just don't believe him. How can someone who plays soccer 5 times a week, still be complaining of getting fat? This is possible if he is eating huge amounts of food but who knows. What do I care anyway?
I call.
E:Hello
Me: Hi
E: You're up early
Me: I'm always up early
E: sound's like you were partying hard last night
Me: Yea right that's the last thing I would be doing right now
[he couldn't hear me so I repeated this]
Me: Anyway Happy Birthday!
E: Oh you remembered
Me: Um yea I remembered didn't you get my text last night [I texted him happy birthday before I went to sleep]
E: Yea I got your text this morning when I woke up but I figured you would be sleeping so I just...
Me: Mmm
E: Hey give me a minute let me change and call you back
Weird convo. How about thanks for the happy birthday or something. maybe he's not too happy that it's his birthday or maybe he's just an asshole now since I told him he couldn't "give me the vitamin anymore". We'll see. It really annoyed me when he said sounds like I was partying hard. Does he know how stressed out I am about trying to make an A on this final [by the way, I've given up on the A I will settle for a B]. YES but he would make an insensitive comment like that. Maybe he was being sarcastic. I think he was the one partying hard so that was some kind of projection thing onto me. Whatever, I'll see what happens when he calls back. Now time for breakfast.
-----9:30
No call back. Breakfast: oatmeal w/ honey raisins & vanilla, powdered milk no ants. Instant coffee and water. Studied a little biochemistry, the ETC and ROS. Now the coffee is kicking in and energy is expanding inside of me threatening to make me explode if I don't release it somehow. I wish I could go for a run but these old knees won't hold up and the roads are rocky and tortuous. The last thing I need is another injury. Maybe I'll just do some sit ups, push ups, p90x? Yea P90x sounds like a good idea. Ok one more hour of studying and I'll do that.
Random thought: I hate shooting on the far end of the basketball court. The ball always rolls away from you after you a hit a shot because the court is so damn uneven. My gosh, you can feel the baby hills under your feet when you walk across it. They really should have done a better job...people are going to continue to get injured on that messy thing. I think that may have been part of what happened to me. I'm expecting to suffer from arthritis probably in my knees and fingers when I get older. better go take some glucosamine now.
------
The rest of the day I hardly got any studying done. I'm so ready to be through with these finals. I played my guitar and blogged for many hours of the day, perused facebook for unknown quantities of time, and topped off my escapade of procrastination by watching Dexter and Californication. They killed Rita-totally unexpected. I wonder if they will keep her on the show as a ghost or something next season. I can't wait to see what happens. I was so angry they ended it that way but they usually do leave you with your jaw hanging open. I also made a video for Mr E's birthday. As of 12am his time he hadn't watched it yet. I have a feeling yesterday wasn't a good day for him. But I also have this feeling that he was up to something. Me and my always suspicious self...
I call.
E:Hello
Me: Hi
E: You're up early
Me: I'm always up early
E: sound's like you were partying hard last night
Me: Yea right that's the last thing I would be doing right now
[he couldn't hear me so I repeated this]
Me: Anyway Happy Birthday!
E: Oh you remembered
Me: Um yea I remembered didn't you get my text last night [I texted him happy birthday before I went to sleep]
E: Yea I got your text this morning when I woke up but I figured you would be sleeping so I just...
Me: Mmm
E: Hey give me a minute let me change and call you back
Weird convo. How about thanks for the happy birthday or something. maybe he's not too happy that it's his birthday or maybe he's just an asshole now since I told him he couldn't "give me the vitamin anymore". We'll see. It really annoyed me when he said sounds like I was partying hard. Does he know how stressed out I am about trying to make an A on this final [by the way, I've given up on the A I will settle for a B]. YES but he would make an insensitive comment like that. Maybe he was being sarcastic. I think he was the one partying hard so that was some kind of projection thing onto me. Whatever, I'll see what happens when he calls back. Now time for breakfast.
-----9:30
No call back. Breakfast: oatmeal w/ honey raisins & vanilla, powdered milk no ants. Instant coffee and water. Studied a little biochemistry, the ETC and ROS. Now the coffee is kicking in and energy is expanding inside of me threatening to make me explode if I don't release it somehow. I wish I could go for a run but these old knees won't hold up and the roads are rocky and tortuous. The last thing I need is another injury. Maybe I'll just do some sit ups, push ups, p90x? Yea P90x sounds like a good idea. Ok one more hour of studying and I'll do that.
Random thought: I hate shooting on the far end of the basketball court. The ball always rolls away from you after you a hit a shot because the court is so damn uneven. My gosh, you can feel the baby hills under your feet when you walk across it. They really should have done a better job...people are going to continue to get injured on that messy thing. I think that may have been part of what happened to me. I'm expecting to suffer from arthritis probably in my knees and fingers when I get older. better go take some glucosamine now.
------
The rest of the day I hardly got any studying done. I'm so ready to be through with these finals. I played my guitar and blogged for many hours of the day, perused facebook for unknown quantities of time, and topped off my escapade of procrastination by watching Dexter and Californication. They killed Rita-totally unexpected. I wonder if they will keep her on the show as a ghost or something next season. I can't wait to see what happens. I was so angry they ended it that way but they usually do leave you with your jaw hanging open. I also made a video for Mr E's birthday. As of 12am his time he hadn't watched it yet. I have a feeling yesterday wasn't a good day for him. But I also have this feeling that he was up to something. Me and my always suspicious self...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Dominica the Beginning
Here I am, I've finally decided to post again. Why am I so bad at these things? Hmmm if I really think about it hard...probably because no one is making me do it. I have to make myself do it and making myself do things is not one of my strong points. But I am going to try, although I don't have much time these days. Well, I shouldn't have much time but as much time as I waste doing other things I'm not supposed to I might as well waste it updating my blog.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It happemed again-I need opinions please
Well it happened again. I was simply trying to have a conversation with my sister about something that happened in class today and she "blew up" on me. Told me that I was ignorant for saying that my teacher did not seem gay. Fortunately we were having this convo online so I was able to save it.
Please if anyone actually does read this I would like your honest opinion. I only have one mind I would like to see how others process this. I know the spelling and grammatical mistakes are numerous but if you can chug your way through this please let me know.
The Chat: (i've highlighted the meat of the converstion in red...but if u want to read the rest it may aslo be insightful)
HER: wow, you sure are blind
ME: oops
ME: ok now what were u saying
HER: she's going to be here
HER: i'm not sure what she'll be talking about
HER: and also she's deaf
HER: soo
HER: hmm
HER: but i guess she'll just talk
ME: maybe sheell be talking about beind deaf
HER: and yeah
ME: thats cool
HER: yeah
ME: u can go see her
ME: and tell her to say hi to bette for me
HER: i think i'll be at a BSU meeting
HER: no
ME: and tell her that she didn't have to do bette like that
HER: on the article they mentioned she was in The L Word
HER: and Law and Order
HER: and some other shows
ME: yea i saw her on lawn ordder
ME: she was plaing a lawyer
ME: but im not sure if she was supposed to be deaf
HER: she's been in a few episode
HER: she was deaf
HER: and she was helping a lady commit suicide
HER: and then in another one she like refused a kidney transplant
ME: omg phsyccho
HER: she wast he same character both times
HER: and she was deaf
ME: well shes pretty cool
ME: u know
ME: like representing for the deaf community
HER: yep
ME: i wonder if she is really good at reading lips
HER: she's great
HER: she must be
HER: you almost forget she's deaf
ME: it was so cute when her and bette got together
ME: yea
HER: sometimes i think Bette is an idiot
HER: she can act kinda dumb
HER: just like her mannerisms and stuff
ME: like what
HER: i dunno
HER: i can't describe it
ME: i dont i like her
ME: sometimes she can be kind of a b*tch
HER: no
ME: but in a good way
HER: i'm not saying i don't like her
HER: she just seems alittle slow sometimes
ME: what?
ME: nah i dont see it
ME: i really don't think u know what u r talking about
ME: maybe ure confused
ME: ill tell who does seem slow
ME: max
ME: and kit sometimes acts like a big grown baby
ME: but slow or dumb
ME: nah don't see it
HER: whateev
ME: she actually really smart, atleast her character is supposed to be
ME: maybe its how she talks, kind of soft sometimes especially when she was talklin to jodie but thats bc she cant hear her any way so
ME: yea
ME: so i dont know
ME: i mean its not like ure an expert on the L Word anyway
ME: OMG
ME: my friend made this pasta stuff it was soooooo freakin good man
ME: shrimp pasta it was spicy and so shrimpy uhg
ME: i just ate the last of it and i wish i had more
HER: YEAH
HER: that's what i meant
HER: her mannerisims
HER: how she talks
HER: aww
HER: you didn't let me taste none
ME: nah
ME: but ill probably make it one day
ME: its so good
ME: if i can
ME: i dont know if it wll taste the same
ME: but ill try my best
ME: got MILK?
ME: i do
ME: AND
ME: oh
ME: theres a roomer going around....which is so lame that my teacher is ga
ME: gay
HER:
HER: why?
HER: was Mr. Ht gay?
ME: i dont see how someone can blatantly spread a rumor as fact
HER: seriously, was he?
ME: I dont know
ME: thats what people said but how would u know
HER: i don't know
ME: Any way
HER: but once some kids asked my laid back english teacher
HER: and she kinda smiled, as was like i don't want to get in to this
ME: the girl was sitting next to us and she told us that two of the TA's were engaged because we saw on his laptop desktop that he head a wedding registry up
ME: Then she was like, oh by the way OUR TEACHER is gay
ME: so later on this other girl asked her how did she know
ME: and she goes its just the word thats going around class
HER: wow
HER: that's messed up
ME: and they saw him at the gym with another guy
ME: Like what the freak
ME: Thats why i hate gossip
ME: he doesnt even seem like he would be gay to me
HER: well that's kind of prejudice
ME: and thats pretty messed up u going around tetlling everyone that and u dont even know it for fact
ME: thats just STUPID
HER: the only thing that makes you gay is being attracted to the same sex
ME: just because u are working out with someone of the same sex means u are gay?
HER: all that other stuff is stereotype
ME: thatsjust dumb people do that all the time, its not prejudice or sterotype its stupid
ME: really think about it
ME: thats the only evidence they have
HER: no
HER: but you said he doesn't seem like the gay type
HER: THAT is prejudiced
HER: what is the gay type?
ME: um he doesnt
HER: hmmm???
ME: he wears a wedding ring
HER: so?
HER: gay people have wedding ceremonies
ME: he doesnt seem gay thats all im saying
HER: what does it mean to see gay?
ME: i mean what did u just say about doctor H
HER: gay is not a personality trait
ME: omg please shut up
HER: it's just attraction/sexual orientation
HER: no
HER: that's kind of messed up
ME: ok goodbye
HER: you're getting mad about spreading rumors
HER: but you're spreading stereotypes
HER: realll cool
ME: how am i spreading a steryotype?
ME: who am i talkling to im just talkling to u
HER: because you said he doesn't seem gay
ME: oh dont go around telling people stuff like this
ME: but ure so quick to try to preach to people all the time
ME: its really annoying
HER: unless you've seen him having sex with women i don't know how you could possibly know
ME: SO WHAT
HER: but you won't admit that it's a sterotype
HER: you're just like ohh whatever
ME: SO WHAT
HER: which means you don't really believe it
HER: and one day you'll say that to someone else
ME: ok right
ME: ure right
HER: and possibly hurt their feelings
ME: he doesnt fit the "steryotype" of a gay man to me
ME: which i didn't say
HER: i've got news for you
HER: a lot of gay people don't
ME: i just said that nothing about it him even hinted to me
HER: just like a lot of blacks don't fit into a steretype
HER: or anyone really
ME: because I ALWAY THOUGHT HE WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN
ME: thats just what i thought for my own reasons
ME: but hey your right
HER: i know i am
HER: thanks
ME: he could still be gay
ME: and be married
ME: i mean
ME: technically in this world we can never assume anything
ME: OH YEA
ME: i FORGOT tHATS how you think
HER: okay
HER: please explain to me
HER: how someone can SEEM gay
ME: no u tell me
HER: please, please tell me how you identify someone you know no more closely than a teacher as being gay
HER: i can't
HER: i don't think people can seem gay
ME: ok then
HER: they're gay if they're attracted to the same sex
ME: i can't explain it to u at this point in your life if you cant figure that out
HER: no
HER: i'm want to hear you arguments
HER: as to why he doesn't seem gay
ME: i dont have an argument
ME: its just my opinion
HER: please tell what signs you have or have not seen
ME: maybe its not true or it’s fiction
ME: someone to me can "seem" gay but i wont automatically assume they are without knowing it for fact
ME: but that is my way of thinking
HER: how have you formed your opinions?
HER: how does someone seem gay?
ME: u dont have to adopt that for yourself
ME: u can have your own opinions
ME: i wont try to force them on you
ME: if u want to feel that NO one in this world fits any
ME: "steryotypes" as u call them
ME: thats fine u can do that
HER: i'm not saying no one does
HER: but you can't assume someone isn't gay just because they don't
HER: that's dumb
ME: I mean seriously like the guy that dressed like a woman on the L word, I assumed he was gay
ME: i mean to me it didnt matter
ME: if he was or not, just as it usually doesnt
HER: i'm black, i don't fit into a lot of black stereotypes
ME: But then when i found out he wasn't i was like oh ok
ME: thats weird
HER: yet i've been told i don't act black
HER: that's hurtful to me
HER: because i am black, and always will be
HER: it's not about how you act
HER: or anything outside stuff
ME: Well how do i know that he isn't actually a woman who has become a transgendered man
ME: just because he looks like a man and sounds like a man and dresses like a man
ME: i mean how do i know
ME: ?
HER: you don't
ME: i cant really assume that right
ME: ok and what if i did assume that he was a man?
HER: it's best not to assume what you don't know though
ME: what would that mean
HER: it's different if you know the person
ME: no i asked u a questin
HER: you have apersonal relationship with them
HER: you notice he goes to gay bars
HER: or never dates women or anything
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then maybe you might say he does or doesn't act gay
HER: but just from standing in front of you lecturing?
ME: helloooo
HER: you know NOTHING about him
ME: i asked u a question?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then you would be wrong
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but at least you have more evidence of him being a man
HER: because he looks like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: someone can't LOOK gay
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but you can look/sound like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: i just answered you
HER: wow...
ME: i said what would it MEAN?
ME: u didnt answer the question
HER: YOOU WOULD BE WRONG
HER: that's all it would mean
HER: damnn
HER: read
HER: with your two eyes
ME: and what would it mean to be wrong
ME: i mean
HER: he would not be a man
ME: what effect would that have?
HER: as you assumed
HER: well if you kept it to yourself nothing
HER: but if you ever mentioned it to him
HER: or someone who knows him
ME: and that would be pretty messed up for me to go around spreading stereotypes that he is a man right?
HER: that might be hurtful
HER: this is different
ME: HA
ME: how is it different?
HER: you have evidence showing he's a man
HER: men aren't stereotypes
HER: tall, larger build, deep voice
HER: that's a man
ME: what is a stereotype then?
HER: different facial features
HER: no breasts
HER: things like
HER: for example
HER: black stereotypes: loud, criminal, uneducated, promiscuous, bad family structure, poor language, etc.
ME: ok so negative things?
HER: gay men: effeminate, promicuous, lisps, etc.
ME: ok and u know for a fact those are the things I used to come to the conclusion that he was not gay?
HER: many stereotypes are negative
HER: i don't
HER: that's why i asked you to tell me
HER: but somehow you regfuuuuuse
HER: and i think i know why
HER: duh
HER: so don't efven try that
ME: and because of the fact that i did not use those that in a way is me spreading those stereotypes
HER: i asked you
HER: i gaveyou a chance to prove youweren't usingstereotype
HER: t
HER: s
HER: that somehow you had factual evidence
HER: but NOPE
HER: you didn't want to tell me
ME: well here
ME: her
ME: here
ME: here's the thing
HER: tell what you were using
ME: if he was up there walking with a switching and talking with a lisp
HER: what criteria
HER: please tell me
HER: i answered your question
HER: why won't you answer mine?
ME: i proabably still wouldnt assume he's gay because some people are just like that
HER: please answer my question
ME: THe faCT THAT I HAD THIS IDEA IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD THAT HE WAS MARRIED?? and the fact that i assume most people pretty much fall in the status quo unless i know other wise, and the fact that i had never really thought about whether he was gay or not
ME: to me...for that reason i just never though he was gay or he didnt "seem" gay to me
HER: so because i don't think about someone being smart, it's okay for me to say they SEEM smart
HER: people someone has failed a class, it's okay to say they don't SEEM smart
ME: if he did have those stereotypes as u say of walking a certain way talking with a lisp, then the possibility that he might be gay would have crossed my mind but i still wouldn’t assume that he was
ME: if u think that is a "wrong" way of thinking so be it
HER: because someone hangs about with a bunch of slackers, and probably "fits into the status quo" it's okay for me to say they don't SEEM smart
HER: that makes no sense
ME: that is YOUR opinion and u are entitled to it
ME: well im sorry my thought process makes no sense to u
ME: but u do it all the time
HER: it's also my opinion that it's not okay to make assumptions about someone's personal life based on very limited observations
HER: gay isn't a skin color
ME: i don’t understand why u are getting so upset with me for doing the same thing that u do?
HER: it's not a personality
HER: it's what goes on in someone's personal life
HER: you cannot SEEM gay
HER: i'm not upset
HER: don't assume i am
ME: oh ok
HER: i'm just giving you my opinion
ME: well why are u so adimant about convincing me that i am wrong and u are right?
HER: because i feel what you're saying is really ignorant
HER: and i don't want you to be ignorant
HER: i'm try to make you realize what you said was very messed up
ME: and why do u feel that u know what is ignorant and i do not?
HER: " resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence"
HER: that is ignorance
ME: and why do u feel that i lack intelligence?
HER: i want you to KNOW that someone can't SEEM gay
HER: that's all
HER: because you stated he didn't seem gay
ME: well i would say that yes they can
HER: implying someone can seem gay
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem black
HER: that makes no sense
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem female
ME: well i dont agree with you
ME: sorry
HER: well hi there, you seem like a doctor
ME: if u feel that makes me ignorant
ME: well hey i guess now i know your opinion of me
ME: thanks
HER: the statement was ignorant
HER: and since you aren't retracting it
ME: no i'm not
HER: you are ignorant on that specific topic
ME: BUT THE FUNNY THING IS THAT YOU DO THE SAME THING
HER: i'm not saying everything you say/do is ignorant
HER: but that is
ME: but for some reason when it comes to these things especially the gay thing u are very touchy about it
HER: never said i didn't
ME: why?
ME: i dont know
ME: i mean maybe because u think i think gay people are bad?
ME: or soemthing
HER: and i would accept criticism without getting defensive or upset or trying to make it about the other person
ME: and im going to go out and spit on them and call them mean names/
ME: i dont know
ME: i'm not getting defensive
ME: i was just explaining to you my train of thought to make u understand it
HER: i understand it
ME: i understand what u are saying but i dont agree
HER: and i think it's wrong
HER: you think it's right
ME: ok thats fine
ME: i said that
HER: so maybe we should let it fo
HER: go*
ME: and u think that i made and ignorant statement
HER: because this isn't getting us anywhere
ME: and u dont want me to be ignorant
ME: which to me is insulting but hey....that’s your opinion ill just keep that in mind when i speak to you from now on
HER: alllrighty
HER: go right ahead
ME: alrighty
ME: end of discussion?
HER: yep
Well apparently for me to say that some one can seem like something is wrong. Especially gay. Is this true? What do I honestly think? Anyone can be anything. The most macho guy in the world, going around spewing how he hates gay people could be gay himself. And a man who has extremely effeminate characteristics or even likes to dress like a woman at times could be straight. To me gay or straight or even bisexual is defined only by who you have an attraction for sexually. So even a man that has had sex with a woman on several occasions could be gay.
Though when I say that some one doesn't seem a certain way that doesn't mean that I think that all people who are gay will or will not fall into a certain category characteristics or "stereotypes". If i did happen to see a man who is dressing like a female, walking and talking with more effeminate characteristics it might and most likely would cross my mind that he is or could be gay. If I have a professor who i assumed was married for whatever reason, (I can't even remember why) and just acts like an average guy fairly masculine I would say that he doesn't seem gay to me. Or maybe the word "seem" is the problem. Maybe I should have said It never crossed my mind that he was or was not gay.
Please if anyone actually does read this I would like your honest opinion. I only have one mind I would like to see how others process this. I know the spelling and grammatical mistakes are numerous but if you can chug your way through this please let me know.
The Chat: (i've highlighted the meat of the converstion in red...but if u want to read the rest it may aslo be insightful)
HER: wow, you sure are blind
ME: oops
ME: ok now what were u saying
HER: she's going to be here
HER: i'm not sure what she'll be talking about
HER: and also she's deaf
HER: soo
HER: hmm
HER: but i guess she'll just talk
ME: maybe sheell be talking about beind deaf
HER: and yeah
ME: thats cool
HER: yeah
ME: u can go see her
ME: and tell her to say hi to bette for me
HER: i think i'll be at a BSU meeting
HER: no
ME: and tell her that she didn't have to do bette like that
HER: on the article they mentioned she was in The L Word
HER: and Law and Order
HER: and some other shows
ME: yea i saw her on lawn ordder
ME: she was plaing a lawyer
ME: but im not sure if she was supposed to be deaf
HER: she's been in a few episode
HER: she was deaf
HER: and she was helping a lady commit suicide
HER: and then in another one she like refused a kidney transplant
ME: omg phsyccho
HER: she wast he same character both times
HER: and she was deaf
ME: well shes pretty cool
ME: u know
ME: like representing for the deaf community
HER: yep
ME: i wonder if she is really good at reading lips
HER: she's great
HER: she must be
HER: you almost forget she's deaf
ME: it was so cute when her and bette got together
ME: yea
HER: sometimes i think Bette is an idiot
HER: she can act kinda dumb
HER: just like her mannerisms and stuff
ME: like what
HER: i dunno
HER: i can't describe it
ME: i dont i like her
ME: sometimes she can be kind of a b*tch
HER: no
ME: but in a good way
HER: i'm not saying i don't like her
HER: she just seems alittle slow sometimes
ME: what?
ME: nah i dont see it
ME: i really don't think u know what u r talking about
ME: maybe ure confused
ME: ill tell who does seem slow
ME: max
ME: and kit sometimes acts like a big grown baby
ME: but slow or dumb
ME: nah don't see it
HER: whateev
ME: she actually really smart, atleast her character is supposed to be
ME: maybe its how she talks, kind of soft sometimes especially when she was talklin to jodie but thats bc she cant hear her any way so
ME: yea
ME: so i dont know
ME: i mean its not like ure an expert on the L Word anyway
ME: OMG
ME: my friend made this pasta stuff it was soooooo freakin good man
ME: shrimp pasta it was spicy and so shrimpy uhg
ME: i just ate the last of it and i wish i had more
HER: YEAH
HER: that's what i meant
HER: her mannerisims
HER: how she talks
HER: aww
HER: you didn't let me taste none
ME: nah
ME: but ill probably make it one day
ME: its so good
ME: if i can
ME: i dont know if it wll taste the same
ME: but ill try my best
ME: got MILK?
ME: i do
ME: AND
ME: oh
ME: theres a roomer going around....which is so lame that my teacher is ga
ME: gay
HER:
HER: why?
HER: was Mr. Ht gay?
ME: i dont see how someone can blatantly spread a rumor as fact
HER: seriously, was he?
ME: I dont know
ME: thats what people said but how would u know
HER: i don't know
ME: Any way
HER: but once some kids asked my laid back english teacher
HER: and she kinda smiled, as was like i don't want to get in to this
ME: the girl was sitting next to us and she told us that two of the TA's were engaged because we saw on his laptop desktop that he head a wedding registry up
ME: Then she was like, oh by the way OUR TEACHER is gay
ME: so later on this other girl asked her how did she know
ME: and she goes its just the word thats going around class
HER: wow
HER: that's messed up
ME: and they saw him at the gym with another guy
ME: Like what the freak
ME: Thats why i hate gossip
ME: he doesnt even seem like he would be gay to me
HER: well that's kind of prejudice
ME: and thats pretty messed up u going around tetlling everyone that and u dont even know it for fact
ME: thats just STUPID
HER: the only thing that makes you gay is being attracted to the same sex
ME: just because u are working out with someone of the same sex means u are gay?
HER: all that other stuff is stereotype
ME: thatsjust dumb people do that all the time, its not prejudice or sterotype its stupid
ME: really think about it
ME: thats the only evidence they have
HER: no
HER: but you said he doesn't seem like the gay type
HER: THAT is prejudiced
HER: what is the gay type?
ME: um he doesnt
HER: hmmm???
ME: he wears a wedding ring
HER: so?
HER: gay people have wedding ceremonies
ME: he doesnt seem gay thats all im saying
HER: what does it mean to see gay?
ME: i mean what did u just say about doctor H
HER: gay is not a personality trait
ME: omg please shut up
HER: it's just attraction/sexual orientation
HER: no
HER: that's kind of messed up
ME: ok goodbye
HER: you're getting mad about spreading rumors
HER: but you're spreading stereotypes
HER: realll cool
ME: how am i spreading a steryotype?
ME: who am i talkling to im just talkling to u
HER: because you said he doesn't seem gay
ME: oh dont go around telling people stuff like this
ME: but ure so quick to try to preach to people all the time
ME: its really annoying
HER: unless you've seen him having sex with women i don't know how you could possibly know
ME: SO WHAT
HER: but you won't admit that it's a sterotype
HER: you're just like ohh whatever
ME: SO WHAT
HER: which means you don't really believe it
HER: and one day you'll say that to someone else
ME: ok right
ME: ure right
HER: and possibly hurt their feelings
ME: he doesnt fit the "steryotype" of a gay man to me
ME: which i didn't say
HER: i've got news for you
HER: a lot of gay people don't
ME: i just said that nothing about it him even hinted to me
HER: just like a lot of blacks don't fit into a steretype
HER: or anyone really
ME: because I ALWAY THOUGHT HE WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN
ME: thats just what i thought for my own reasons
ME: but hey your right
HER: i know i am
HER: thanks
ME: he could still be gay
ME: and be married
ME: i mean
ME: technically in this world we can never assume anything
ME: OH YEA
ME: i FORGOT tHATS how you think
HER: okay
HER: please explain to me
HER: how someone can SEEM gay
ME: no u tell me
HER: please, please tell me how you identify someone you know no more closely than a teacher as being gay
HER: i can't
HER: i don't think people can seem gay
ME: ok then
HER: they're gay if they're attracted to the same sex
ME: i can't explain it to u at this point in your life if you cant figure that out
HER: no
HER: i'm want to hear you arguments
HER: as to why he doesn't seem gay
ME: i dont have an argument
ME: its just my opinion
HER: please tell what signs you have or have not seen
ME: maybe its not true or it’s fiction
ME: someone to me can "seem" gay but i wont automatically assume they are without knowing it for fact
ME: but that is my way of thinking
HER: how have you formed your opinions?
HER: how does someone seem gay?
ME: u dont have to adopt that for yourself
ME: u can have your own opinions
ME: i wont try to force them on you
ME: if u want to feel that NO one in this world fits any
ME: "steryotypes" as u call them
ME: thats fine u can do that
HER: i'm not saying no one does
HER: but you can't assume someone isn't gay just because they don't
HER: that's dumb
ME: I mean seriously like the guy that dressed like a woman on the L word, I assumed he was gay
ME: i mean to me it didnt matter
ME: if he was or not, just as it usually doesnt
HER: i'm black, i don't fit into a lot of black stereotypes
ME: But then when i found out he wasn't i was like oh ok
ME: thats weird
HER: yet i've been told i don't act black
HER: that's hurtful to me
HER: because i am black, and always will be
HER: it's not about how you act
HER: or anything outside stuff
ME: Well how do i know that he isn't actually a woman who has become a transgendered man
ME: just because he looks like a man and sounds like a man and dresses like a man
ME: i mean how do i know
ME: ?
HER: you don't
ME: i cant really assume that right
ME: ok and what if i did assume that he was a man?
HER: it's best not to assume what you don't know though
ME: what would that mean
HER: it's different if you know the person
ME: no i asked u a questin
HER: you have apersonal relationship with them
HER: you notice he goes to gay bars
HER: or never dates women or anything
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then maybe you might say he does or doesn't act gay
HER: but just from standing in front of you lecturing?
ME: helloooo
HER: you know NOTHING about him
ME: i asked u a question?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then you would be wrong
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but at least you have more evidence of him being a man
HER: because he looks like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: someone can't LOOK gay
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but you can look/sound like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: i just answered you
HER: wow...
ME: i said what would it MEAN?
ME: u didnt answer the question
HER: YOOU WOULD BE WRONG
HER: that's all it would mean
HER: damnn
HER: read
HER: with your two eyes
ME: and what would it mean to be wrong
ME: i mean
HER: he would not be a man
ME: what effect would that have?
HER: as you assumed
HER: well if you kept it to yourself nothing
HER: but if you ever mentioned it to him
HER: or someone who knows him
ME: and that would be pretty messed up for me to go around spreading stereotypes that he is a man right?
HER: that might be hurtful
HER: this is different
ME: HA
ME: how is it different?
HER: you have evidence showing he's a man
HER: men aren't stereotypes
HER: tall, larger build, deep voice
HER: that's a man
ME: what is a stereotype then?
HER: different facial features
HER: no breasts
HER: things like
HER: for example
HER: black stereotypes: loud, criminal, uneducated, promiscuous, bad family structure, poor language, etc.
ME: ok so negative things?
HER: gay men: effeminate, promicuous, lisps, etc.
ME: ok and u know for a fact those are the things I used to come to the conclusion that he was not gay?
HER: many stereotypes are negative
HER: i don't
HER: that's why i asked you to tell me
HER: but somehow you regfuuuuuse
HER: and i think i know why
HER: duh
HER: so don't efven try that
ME: and because of the fact that i did not use those that in a way is me spreading those stereotypes
HER: i asked you
HER: i gaveyou a chance to prove youweren't usingstereotype
HER: t
HER: s
HER: that somehow you had factual evidence
HER: but NOPE
HER: you didn't want to tell me
ME: well here
ME: her
ME: here
ME: here's the thing
HER: tell what you were using
ME: if he was up there walking with a switching and talking with a lisp
HER: what criteria
HER: please tell me
HER: i answered your question
HER: why won't you answer mine?
ME: i proabably still wouldnt assume he's gay because some people are just like that
HER: please answer my question
ME: THe faCT THAT I HAD THIS IDEA IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD THAT HE WAS MARRIED?? and the fact that i assume most people pretty much fall in the status quo unless i know other wise, and the fact that i had never really thought about whether he was gay or not
ME: to me...for that reason i just never though he was gay or he didnt "seem" gay to me
HER: so because i don't think about someone being smart, it's okay for me to say they SEEM smart
HER: people someone has failed a class, it's okay to say they don't SEEM smart
ME: if he did have those stereotypes as u say of walking a certain way talking with a lisp, then the possibility that he might be gay would have crossed my mind but i still wouldn’t assume that he was
ME: if u think that is a "wrong" way of thinking so be it
HER: because someone hangs about with a bunch of slackers, and probably "fits into the status quo" it's okay for me to say they don't SEEM smart
HER: that makes no sense
ME: that is YOUR opinion and u are entitled to it
ME: well im sorry my thought process makes no sense to u
ME: but u do it all the time
HER: it's also my opinion that it's not okay to make assumptions about someone's personal life based on very limited observations
HER: gay isn't a skin color
ME: i don’t understand why u are getting so upset with me for doing the same thing that u do?
HER: it's not a personality
HER: it's what goes on in someone's personal life
HER: you cannot SEEM gay
HER: i'm not upset
HER: don't assume i am
ME: oh ok
HER: i'm just giving you my opinion
ME: well why are u so adimant about convincing me that i am wrong and u are right?
HER: because i feel what you're saying is really ignorant
HER: and i don't want you to be ignorant
HER: i'm try to make you realize what you said was very messed up
ME: and why do u feel that u know what is ignorant and i do not?
HER: " resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence"
HER: that is ignorance
ME: and why do u feel that i lack intelligence?
HER: i want you to KNOW that someone can't SEEM gay
HER: that's all
HER: because you stated he didn't seem gay
ME: well i would say that yes they can
HER: implying someone can seem gay
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem black
HER: that makes no sense
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem female
ME: well i dont agree with you
ME: sorry
HER: well hi there, you seem like a doctor
ME: if u feel that makes me ignorant
ME: well hey i guess now i know your opinion of me
ME: thanks
HER: the statement was ignorant
HER: and since you aren't retracting it
ME: no i'm not
HER: you are ignorant on that specific topic
ME: BUT THE FUNNY THING IS THAT YOU DO THE SAME THING
HER: i'm not saying everything you say/do is ignorant
HER: but that is
ME: but for some reason when it comes to these things especially the gay thing u are very touchy about it
HER: never said i didn't
ME: why?
ME: i dont know
ME: i mean maybe because u think i think gay people are bad?
ME: or soemthing
HER: and i would accept criticism without getting defensive or upset or trying to make it about the other person
ME: and im going to go out and spit on them and call them mean names/
ME: i dont know
ME: i'm not getting defensive
ME: i was just explaining to you my train of thought to make u understand it
HER: i understand it
ME: i understand what u are saying but i dont agree
HER: and i think it's wrong
HER: you think it's right
ME: ok thats fine
ME: i said that
HER: so maybe we should let it fo
HER: go*
ME: and u think that i made and ignorant statement
HER: because this isn't getting us anywhere
ME: and u dont want me to be ignorant
ME: which to me is insulting but hey....that’s your opinion ill just keep that in mind when i speak to you from now on
HER: alllrighty
HER: go right ahead
ME: alrighty
ME: end of discussion?
HER: yep
Well apparently for me to say that some one can seem like something is wrong. Especially gay. Is this true? What do I honestly think? Anyone can be anything. The most macho guy in the world, going around spewing how he hates gay people could be gay himself. And a man who has extremely effeminate characteristics or even likes to dress like a woman at times could be straight. To me gay or straight or even bisexual is defined only by who you have an attraction for sexually. So even a man that has had sex with a woman on several occasions could be gay.
Though when I say that some one doesn't seem a certain way that doesn't mean that I think that all people who are gay will or will not fall into a certain category characteristics or "stereotypes". If i did happen to see a man who is dressing like a female, walking and talking with more effeminate characteristics it might and most likely would cross my mind that he is or could be gay. If I have a professor who i assumed was married for whatever reason, (I can't even remember why) and just acts like an average guy fairly masculine I would say that he doesn't seem gay to me. Or maybe the word "seem" is the problem. Maybe I should have said It never crossed my mind that he was or was not gay.
Either way the point to me is that IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Which is the thing my sister doesn't seem to get. She is so worried about what other people think. First of all I wouldn't go around sharing these thoughts that I may or may not have with anyone unless they were a friend in confidence. And in that case it really doesn't matter. As I thought my sister was my friend who I could share things with in confidance , but her problem is that she is too judgemental and its starting to get on my nerves. I can't say anything thing to her without her analyzing it and then grilling the hell out of me about it if she finds it "wrong". Well that to me is not a good characteristic to have or at least to use on other people who are supposed to be a friend. I have no problem with her sharing her opinion with me about it, but then insulting me on my opinions or constantly trying to get me to think the way that she does adimant that I am wrong... It gives her the appearance of being arrogant, and it obnoxious.
And I know that she feels this way about other people...she stereotypes them herself all the time. Her classmates and such. She feels that she is better than them for whatever reasons...and most people are not worthy of her. She has said this to me jokingly but I always say 80% of a joke is some kind of truth.
I think at times in your life you will have to form assumptions about people. I mean you HAVE to. And especially me as a doctor I will have to learn to use this skill very well. The thing is to know that assumptions are not fact. You can never really know something about someone until you know it. And even then everything can't be trusted but unfortunately because we are not psychic beings so that's the way it has to be.
I really don't know what my sister's problem is. She says I may end up hurting someone. I don't really see how that could happen, if someone lets the fact that someone thinks they are gay or not gay hurt their feelings...well that says something about that person and maybe not so much about the person who thought it. People have many different reasons for thinking the way that they do. The problem is when we let stereotypes determine how we will treat another person especially if it is in a negative way. For example police officers harassing a black man driving through a white neighborhood for the mere fact that he is black and NOT because he was nescesarrily breaking a law.
I will not pretend to be well informed on everything so if I say something that is wrong does that make me ignorant? No I think that makes me human.
Now on the gay thing, my honest opinion of it, due to my religious and scientific beliefs I think it is wrong. Growing up I learned that adultury is a sin, and I really am not even sure if homosexuality is a sin, but since two people of the same sex can't be mariried sexual relations between to people of the same sex would be a sin. Now if the two were married legally, since the Bible says that we should follow the laws of the land as long as they don't break the laws of God then...I don't know. Scientifically since two people of the same sex can't procreate and thats what sex is for then it doesn't seem to make much sense in terms of evolution. But I also think that there may be genetic traits that would cause someone to be attracted to a person of the same sex. So me I don't think its right but it doesn't bother me. If someone is gay or wants to be gay that's their business I don't care.
If I were to think, what if it turned out my child was gay (because even a family member well hmm i don't know if i would care so much) I would have to say that I am worried about the fate of their soul...heaven or hell. I think that if it is a sin then it is just a sin like any other. And hopefully if I had raised them to know that living in sin is not the best thing then that would affect their choices.
Me for example...I have stated in my other blogs that I have had strange feelings...maybe attractions to other females but I have never acted on it. Why? I don't know. There are alot of things I "feel" like doing but I don't do. I'm a "civilized" creature. But at the same time I give in and do other things that I know are wrong. I'm human.
So now that I have blown off my own steam...I feel that I don't really know what's going through my sister's head. And I don't really care anymore. It's just not really fun to be attacked when u just want to have a light enjoyable conversation with someone. And since I know she has this characteristic I will just have to remember that when I speak to her in the future. (If i Ever Do) But seriously .... I think I'm getting over the right and wrong thing. People have their own OPINIONS. Thats the way it is. I don't feel that it's my or anyone's job to go around telling people how they should think if they are not harming themselves or anyone else then...hey.
People who have negative opinions about gay people are going to have them for whatever reason, whether they say it out loud or not. And it probably has nothing to do with them believing a gay person talks or walks a certain way. It's usually much deeper than that.
I think at times in your life you will have to form assumptions about people. I mean you HAVE to. And especially me as a doctor I will have to learn to use this skill very well. The thing is to know that assumptions are not fact. You can never really know something about someone until you know it. And even then everything can't be trusted but unfortunately because we are not psychic beings so that's the way it has to be.
I really don't know what my sister's problem is. She says I may end up hurting someone. I don't really see how that could happen, if someone lets the fact that someone thinks they are gay or not gay hurt their feelings...well that says something about that person and maybe not so much about the person who thought it. People have many different reasons for thinking the way that they do. The problem is when we let stereotypes determine how we will treat another person especially if it is in a negative way. For example police officers harassing a black man driving through a white neighborhood for the mere fact that he is black and NOT because he was nescesarrily breaking a law.
I will not pretend to be well informed on everything so if I say something that is wrong does that make me ignorant? No I think that makes me human.
Now on the gay thing, my honest opinion of it, due to my religious and scientific beliefs I think it is wrong. Growing up I learned that adultury is a sin, and I really am not even sure if homosexuality is a sin, but since two people of the same sex can't be mariried sexual relations between to people of the same sex would be a sin. Now if the two were married legally, since the Bible says that we should follow the laws of the land as long as they don't break the laws of God then...I don't know. Scientifically since two people of the same sex can't procreate and thats what sex is for then it doesn't seem to make much sense in terms of evolution. But I also think that there may be genetic traits that would cause someone to be attracted to a person of the same sex. So me I don't think its right but it doesn't bother me. If someone is gay or wants to be gay that's their business I don't care.
If I were to think, what if it turned out my child was gay (because even a family member well hmm i don't know if i would care so much) I would have to say that I am worried about the fate of their soul...heaven or hell. I think that if it is a sin then it is just a sin like any other. And hopefully if I had raised them to know that living in sin is not the best thing then that would affect their choices.
Me for example...I have stated in my other blogs that I have had strange feelings...maybe attractions to other females but I have never acted on it. Why? I don't know. There are alot of things I "feel" like doing but I don't do. I'm a "civilized" creature. But at the same time I give in and do other things that I know are wrong. I'm human.
So now that I have blown off my own steam...I feel that I don't really know what's going through my sister's head. And I don't really care anymore. It's just not really fun to be attacked when u just want to have a light enjoyable conversation with someone. And since I know she has this characteristic I will just have to remember that when I speak to her in the future. (If i Ever Do) But seriously .... I think I'm getting over the right and wrong thing. People have their own OPINIONS. Thats the way it is. I don't feel that it's my or anyone's job to go around telling people how they should think if they are not harming themselves or anyone else then...hey.
People who have negative opinions about gay people are going to have them for whatever reason, whether they say it out loud or not. And it probably has nothing to do with them believing a gay person talks or walks a certain way. It's usually much deeper than that.
So my new slogan is "I don't care".
But I am intersted in anyone else's opinion. If you care to comment please do. PLEASE.
Thanks
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