I'm laying in bed fighting the caffeine to keep my eyes closed. It's not working anymore so I'm just lying there under the covers in my underwear think, think, thinking about everything.
I first started thinking about Mrs. S my PBL instructor. Today she told us a very personal story in class. And I'm wondering why, would she tell us this. Is she that selfless that she wants to share with us her experience in hopes of helping us to be better, more sensitive physicians. Or does she some how get off on talking about herself and having everyone sitting around facing her with sympathy in their eyes. One or the other. Her story was about her husband dying and her having to go through dealing with the local police as they practically accused her of "bumping him off" as she so eloquently called it. Very sad. And I can't imagine how painful that must have been for her. But she's still here on this Island although he's long gone. Why does she stay? I would love to sit down and have a conversation about that and thank her for sharing but...ugh. You can't get to personal with people. Why not? I don't know. And I thought about if she were to ask me why I don't talk in PBL much, the answer I would give her. I do that a lot, I think about someone asking me a question that I know damned well they never will, but still I think about what I would say...or what I would like to say atleast. And I would have said to her that in PBL we are not solving a real case, and consciously and subconsciously I know this. So my mind just does not click over into that mode of thinking. I'm not going to come up with some amazing idea to share with the class because everything that want us to say is clearly planned out. Every thought that goes through my mind is something either so obvious or far out of the box that it's not even worth saying. So I don't know. It's a good concept to try to get us to practice, and apply the knowledge that we have learned so far but it's just not real. And in that way it's kind of pointless. Sometimes it's like in a movie where they cut to a certain person's face and your like oh, I know he has something to do with it or why else would they have mentioned it. So you start using lame clues like that to figure out the case. It's not realistic. Pooh.
Then I started thinking about Akiss2desire. I sort of had a little mini fantasy about her. I imagined us in some hotel room sitting on the edge of the bed. Me looking down afraid to make eye contact while she genltly puts her hand under my chin, gazes into my eyes and assures me that "no matter what happens" it's not just about the sex. HAHA. Yea fucking right. How could you possible choose to have sex with someone before you hardly get to know them and then say it's not about the sex. Sure you talk online and get to know her first, but the whole purpose of your talk is for one motive, to get her into bed so you can do all of the lovely things you love to write about on your blog. HA. I e-mailed her today hoping she would give me some advice. I was a lot nicer in the e-mail though.
My thoughts wandered more. I thought about Chidi and the way she looks at me sometimes and I wondered if maybe if she's a little bicurious herself. But then I don't know, I've learned there are people in this world that are super friendly and they love attention. And if they see you are a new person and aren't making great efforts to become one of their followers, they kind of get an itch. And thats where all the super big smiles as you walk past them, and the hello's come from although I've only spoken to you once or twice before. Well at least that's what I think it is when it comes to me. I'm just not that interesting, witty, or charming for it to be anything else. It only lasts so long until they forget about you though. But I still did think of her and me in a bed. I think I have more of an attraction for white women for whatever odd reason (cuz I definitely like black men more) but if there is one black girl I could see myself with, it would be her. But when we are passing by each other alone, she doesn't make much effort to start conversation with me. And she isn't shy, I am, so if she wanted to she would and now my little dream bubble floating above my head gets popped and I drift back down to reality.
I started thinking more about it not being all about sex and thinking that maybe it is. Maybe that's some people's entire motivation in life. Above everything else when it comes down to it when you are having sex with someone male and female alike, it's not about expressing emotion, and finding a connection it's just about the damned raw nasty sex. The feeling of fucking and the neurotransmitters released into your circulation after the orgasm is just a drug like any other. Even making someone else come can be enough to get you off, like Akiss says. Just primal animal urges that we enjoy satisfying but the intellectual side of our nature makes us put pretty bows and labels on it and call it "love" and etc, etc... Maybe I'm just ignorant though. Perhaps I'm a non -believer because I've never truly felt it that way. It could be real but maybe it's not that easy to find. But that same thought makes me wonder, if I do end up having sex with a woman one day as i'm considering now (which at one point in my life would have been completely out of the question and not even an imaginable option)that I will regret it. That afterward I will realize that I'm just searching for something, maybe a connection, to feel close loved and wanted by another human being but being with a woman is totally not where I'm going to find it. And then I may become extremely disappointed and disgusted with myself for what I did. Then I'll spiral further down into depression and never be able to get back out. The whole thing will just give me more reasons to hate myself. And I've realized that is one of my major problems. Hate may be too harsh of a word, but I don't like myself and I guess I think that no one else will either so I don't try to make friends for fear of rejection. Sigh. But this is me. Real talk.
And then I start to remind myself as I do time and time again that it's not just about ME. I have some other purpose in life, hopefully. I'm just not really sure what it is anymore. I'm here in medical school now and when I first started about a year ago I really had a passion for what I was learning. I could open a physio book to look up one thing and end up reading an entire chapter just because I was so enthralled. Today I'm sitting here reading about hemorrhage, and thrombosis and prostiglandins and arachidonic acid and it is just utterly BORING. I can't focus. I'm not retaining anything. I want to do this because I know down the line there is something good that I can do on this earth before I die, but if this is my calling then why don't I feel the same way about it. I don't want to be doing this just to do it. I think being a doctor is a privilege and we have an obligation to heal people and to do it for the right reasons. And if I'm not learning as much as a I can to be the best doctor that I can be in the future then I would be cheating myself and my future patients. And I don't think I could live with that. So I don't know what to do. I will just have to force myself through it I guess. Suck it up as my coaches used to say.
Then I start thinking that all of this confusion and lost feeling that I'm having in my life right now could be because I've turned my back on God. If I were to go back to him though, how would that change things. Would he give me a spirit of peace. They say that religion gives you hope. Christianity gives you the hope that after you are done struggling through this interim somewhere between hell and heaven we call life, then we will have everlasting joy awaiting us. And I do believe this, or at least I want to. But that still won't change what's happening to me now. I really don't know what to do. At times I really want to give up and let go and just do nothing and watch everything go up into flames. That would be nice in its own way.
My problem is that I think too much. I think about all of this and it always ends bad. With me questioning the pointlessness of life. I don't want to be a sad and depressing person but this is all I see right now. There's nothing that great about it.
Since I've gotten all of that out I'm going to go shower and probably think about Akiss while I do so and see what happens. Sigh...
Showing posts with label Self reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self reflection. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Dominica the Beginning
Here I am, I've finally decided to post again. Why am I so bad at these things? Hmmm if I really think about it hard...probably because no one is making me do it. I have to make myself do it and making myself do things is not one of my strong points. But I am going to try, although I don't have much time these days. Well, I shouldn't have much time but as much time as I waste doing other things I'm not supposed to I might as well waste it updating my blog.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I am back, after a long Hiatus. I never do seem to be able to stick to these things. Anyway I'm trying.
So today my sister and I got into a huge argument? She says it was a "conversation" to me it sounded more like an argument since, she started throwing insults my way and ended up hanging up the phone on me. Yea my sis is 6 years younger than me. But she is very smart and very interesting to have conversations with. The only thing is that she can act like a little know it all. I think she has reached some kind of "enlightened" stage in her life and she is now trying to spread this to other people. Or she thinks people need to think the way she does. I don't know.
It is very interesting and it got pretty heated but now that it's over I want to it back and evaluate what exactly happened so I can really understand what went on. Was a wrong in any of the things I said how can I change my behavior, what would I do differently if presented with the same situation.
How it started, and I notice my sister likes to do this a lot, when you are talking to her she likes to disagree with certain points I you make. Now sometimes I can see this as her begin a little arrogant. But perhaps like she said, she is just trying to have a conversation. I think I get a little defensive when she does this. Next time I will take a step back, think about what she said and then present my side, or opinion. But to be honest I think I did get defensive which may have been part of the reason the argument escalated as it did.
Anyway it started off with us talking about Bernie Mac and how he died ( I recently watched soul men) and she made the statement that he didn't look like he was 50. My sister stated that our mother doesn't look her age either. Anyway somehow this got to us talking about how people feel about themselves when we look in the mirror. Oh yea she said she doesn't think people should lose weight just for vanity reason. And I said, "well I don't see anything wrong with losing weight if you don't like how you look in the mirror. Why not? "
"Health is a better reason to loose weight". she says.
And I go "Yea but still if you feel fine with the way you look and you are overweight there is nothing wrong with that." I wasn't really talking about health since we were talking about appearances in the first place.
So somehow we got on the topic of plastic surgery, I think I brought it up. I made a statement, somewhere along the lines of "Those doctors like the ones on the TV show Doctor 90210, are bad doctors for treating people who have psychological issues, and don't need plastic surgery the need therapy." I gave the example of the couple who came on , the woman was like a size zero literally and wanted to get some extra love handles removed. And I said that was crazy she looked fine. To me it reminds me of people who are anorexic and can be skin and bones but still look in the mirror and say they are fat. My opinion is that a good doctor would not perform surgery on that type of person they would at least send them for psychological evaluation first.
For some reason she decided to argue with me on that and say, "Oh how can you know that...your wrong" And I said I'm sorry but as a doctor it is your duty to help people with their health and if you are using your skills soley for the purpose of making money, that is wrong.
But she went on to disagree and say that I cant know if those people are bad doctors because I don't know them and I have never gone and spoken to them in person. Then I said I was making and educated guess from my observations. Apparently she felt it was wrong that I use the word "educated guess" because when you make and educated guess you must have legitimate sources from which you are making this guess. And then I laughed.
Now I will give you the reason that I laughed, because she was getting into semantics. We are having a silly discussion about something that has no bearing on anything. I mean I am not planning to publish this in JAMA or something. So I laughed partly to show that I am keeping this light, (not taking it too seriously) and at the situation because now, on top of her telling me I was wrong about what I thought about the doctors, now she's telling me I don't know what an educated guess means. Honestly I thought it was funny.
So then I told her that she was getting into semantics , obviously I meant an assumption made from my observations. Oh don't remember what else I said but I do remember her at that point telling me that I sounded like an idiot. Now here is where I got a little upset. I mean she takes everything so personally. Later on she told me she felt I had insulted her by laughing. She didn't even know why I laughed but she said it was an insult because I was laughing at her. This is where I have to realise that yes my sister is smart but she is still very sensitive and childish in many ways. She believes she is right about everything, thought she won't say it and that everyone she view things the way she does.
We ended up calling my mother and getting her into the conversation. I just wanted my sister to understand where I was coming from. My mother of course agreed with me, and said that those doctor's that use there skills to make money off of people's insecurities and body image issues are unethical. But my sister kept arguing that "No we don't know what those doctor's think. They could really think that they are helping people."
Now looking back on it I think my sister was generalizing my statements on these type of doctors, to my opinions on all different types of people. Later on she told me that I was being closed-minded. And she kept trying to apply my statement about bad cosmetic surgeons to other people.
For example she said" people who commit civil disobedience are bad people" I told her I never said that.
So I think I know what was happening but I'm not sure. She believes that I am a closed minded person from my statements and she was trying to "show me" as she said that I don't know everything and that I can view things from a different point of view. She said she was trying to get me to admit that I could be wrong and that my opinion is not the only point that could exist. Now if that is honestly what she was trying to do, that's not really a bad thing. It was how she went about doing it. To me it felt like she was attacking me, and trying to tell me basically, that "You don't know what you are talking about".
See what I don't get is why she took this opportunity to do it. I am no idiot or fool. I know that there are different ways to think about things. What happened was I was trying to get her to understand my opinion. When she understood it, she was just trying to get me to say that I could be wrong. So it turned into an argument and her calling me closed minded. And I said maybe I am close-minded about this specific situation, but that doesn't mean I a am close minded person. It just means that I have formed an opinion about this topic and there is really no changing my mind. Now that does not mean that I am not aware of the fact that other possibilities do exist. Like yes, maybe the doctor's on Dr. 90210 use there skills in other ways, maybe there are cosmetic surgeons who truly think they are improving the self image of people by giving them cosmetic surgeons. But I was using those doctors as and example just so she could see what I was talking about. But she turned it into something entirely different, and I went along with it.
I do not like the fact that she wants to critique everything I say, analyze it, turn it into something else, and disagree. Something is weird about that. I am not sure why she does it. It makes it hard to have a pleasant conversation with her. It's like you have to walk on eggshells and be careful what you say. I think of my sister now as my , friend, a very good friend but this behavior makes it hard to talk to her like one. It's like talking to your English professor or something. He He.
If anyone reads this I'd appreciate some opinions on what you think happened.
I mean even when I made the statement about our mother not having the willpower to stick to a diet and exercises plan so that she can loose weight she said..."She has four reasons why she doesn't want to work out". She was talking a bout us, her kids. That was after I had said she works long hours so I understand it's hard. Its kind of scary. I mean if she thinks that our mother having kids has been such a detriment to her life, well then how must she feel about herself. Not very good eh. I told her that no, its not her having kids, she just has to muster up the extra strength to do it and being tired after work isn't really a reason its and excuse. She could do it if she really wanted to.
I guess I just have a more optimistic view on life than she does. She truly is a pessimist.
So the conversation ended up with her hanging up on me. She had said earlier that my opinion was wrong.
I feel better now after talking to my mom. She does that to her and my brother a lot so it's nothing to worry about. I guess from now on I'll just let it go. The only thing is I don't like to be told that I'm wrong either. LOL
So next time I see her getting like that I won't take offense. I have no problem debating with her, It's kinda fun to me too. But I have to remember that she is kind of insecure. Maybe that's where the passion comes from. I really don't know. At the same time though I am her sister, so like my ma said I have to tell her about herself. I wonder if she does it to other people though.
If she was trying to tell me that I was close minded, which I am not, I will keep in mind though that there are other possibilities. That is a good thing to keep in the back of your head when considering any situations. But I do think we should have our own morals and standards that we stick to. You can't be too open minded in other words, or else you get your self into trouble. And that's the moral of the story.
Good night world
So today my sister and I got into a huge argument? She says it was a "conversation" to me it sounded more like an argument since, she started throwing insults my way and ended up hanging up the phone on me. Yea my sis is 6 years younger than me. But she is very smart and very interesting to have conversations with. The only thing is that she can act like a little know it all. I think she has reached some kind of "enlightened" stage in her life and she is now trying to spread this to other people. Or she thinks people need to think the way she does. I don't know.
It is very interesting and it got pretty heated but now that it's over I want to it back and evaluate what exactly happened so I can really understand what went on. Was a wrong in any of the things I said how can I change my behavior, what would I do differently if presented with the same situation.
How it started, and I notice my sister likes to do this a lot, when you are talking to her she likes to disagree with certain points I you make. Now sometimes I can see this as her begin a little arrogant. But perhaps like she said, she is just trying to have a conversation. I think I get a little defensive when she does this. Next time I will take a step back, think about what she said and then present my side, or opinion. But to be honest I think I did get defensive which may have been part of the reason the argument escalated as it did.
Anyway it started off with us talking about Bernie Mac and how he died ( I recently watched soul men) and she made the statement that he didn't look like he was 50. My sister stated that our mother doesn't look her age either. Anyway somehow this got to us talking about how people feel about themselves when we look in the mirror. Oh yea she said she doesn't think people should lose weight just for vanity reason. And I said, "well I don't see anything wrong with losing weight if you don't like how you look in the mirror. Why not? "
"Health is a better reason to loose weight". she says.
And I go "Yea but still if you feel fine with the way you look and you are overweight there is nothing wrong with that." I wasn't really talking about health since we were talking about appearances in the first place.
So somehow we got on the topic of plastic surgery, I think I brought it up. I made a statement, somewhere along the lines of "Those doctors like the ones on the TV show Doctor 90210, are bad doctors for treating people who have psychological issues, and don't need plastic surgery the need therapy." I gave the example of the couple who came on , the woman was like a size zero literally and wanted to get some extra love handles removed. And I said that was crazy she looked fine. To me it reminds me of people who are anorexic and can be skin and bones but still look in the mirror and say they are fat. My opinion is that a good doctor would not perform surgery on that type of person they would at least send them for psychological evaluation first.
For some reason she decided to argue with me on that and say, "Oh how can you know that...your wrong" And I said I'm sorry but as a doctor it is your duty to help people with their health and if you are using your skills soley for the purpose of making money, that is wrong.
But she went on to disagree and say that I cant know if those people are bad doctors because I don't know them and I have never gone and spoken to them in person. Then I said I was making and educated guess from my observations. Apparently she felt it was wrong that I use the word "educated guess" because when you make and educated guess you must have legitimate sources from which you are making this guess. And then I laughed.
Now I will give you the reason that I laughed, because she was getting into semantics. We are having a silly discussion about something that has no bearing on anything. I mean I am not planning to publish this in JAMA or something. So I laughed partly to show that I am keeping this light, (not taking it too seriously) and at the situation because now, on top of her telling me I was wrong about what I thought about the doctors, now she's telling me I don't know what an educated guess means. Honestly I thought it was funny.
So then I told her that she was getting into semantics , obviously I meant an assumption made from my observations. Oh don't remember what else I said but I do remember her at that point telling me that I sounded like an idiot. Now here is where I got a little upset. I mean she takes everything so personally. Later on she told me she felt I had insulted her by laughing. She didn't even know why I laughed but she said it was an insult because I was laughing at her. This is where I have to realise that yes my sister is smart but she is still very sensitive and childish in many ways. She believes she is right about everything, thought she won't say it and that everyone she view things the way she does.
We ended up calling my mother and getting her into the conversation. I just wanted my sister to understand where I was coming from. My mother of course agreed with me, and said that those doctor's that use there skills to make money off of people's insecurities and body image issues are unethical. But my sister kept arguing that "No we don't know what those doctor's think. They could really think that they are helping people."
Now looking back on it I think my sister was generalizing my statements on these type of doctors, to my opinions on all different types of people. Later on she told me that I was being closed-minded. And she kept trying to apply my statement about bad cosmetic surgeons to other people.
For example she said" people who commit civil disobedience are bad people" I told her I never said that.
So I think I know what was happening but I'm not sure. She believes that I am a closed minded person from my statements and she was trying to "show me" as she said that I don't know everything and that I can view things from a different point of view. She said she was trying to get me to admit that I could be wrong and that my opinion is not the only point that could exist. Now if that is honestly what she was trying to do, that's not really a bad thing. It was how she went about doing it. To me it felt like she was attacking me, and trying to tell me basically, that "You don't know what you are talking about".
See what I don't get is why she took this opportunity to do it. I am no idiot or fool. I know that there are different ways to think about things. What happened was I was trying to get her to understand my opinion. When she understood it, she was just trying to get me to say that I could be wrong. So it turned into an argument and her calling me closed minded. And I said maybe I am close-minded about this specific situation, but that doesn't mean I a am close minded person. It just means that I have formed an opinion about this topic and there is really no changing my mind. Now that does not mean that I am not aware of the fact that other possibilities do exist. Like yes, maybe the doctor's on Dr. 90210 use there skills in other ways, maybe there are cosmetic surgeons who truly think they are improving the self image of people by giving them cosmetic surgeons. But I was using those doctors as and example just so she could see what I was talking about. But she turned it into something entirely different, and I went along with it.
I do not like the fact that she wants to critique everything I say, analyze it, turn it into something else, and disagree. Something is weird about that. I am not sure why she does it. It makes it hard to have a pleasant conversation with her. It's like you have to walk on eggshells and be careful what you say. I think of my sister now as my , friend, a very good friend but this behavior makes it hard to talk to her like one. It's like talking to your English professor or something. He He.
If anyone reads this I'd appreciate some opinions on what you think happened.
I mean even when I made the statement about our mother not having the willpower to stick to a diet and exercises plan so that she can loose weight she said..."She has four reasons why she doesn't want to work out". She was talking a bout us, her kids. That was after I had said she works long hours so I understand it's hard. Its kind of scary. I mean if she thinks that our mother having kids has been such a detriment to her life, well then how must she feel about herself. Not very good eh. I told her that no, its not her having kids, she just has to muster up the extra strength to do it and being tired after work isn't really a reason its and excuse. She could do it if she really wanted to.
I guess I just have a more optimistic view on life than she does. She truly is a pessimist.
So the conversation ended up with her hanging up on me. She had said earlier that my opinion was wrong.
I feel better now after talking to my mom. She does that to her and my brother a lot so it's nothing to worry about. I guess from now on I'll just let it go. The only thing is I don't like to be told that I'm wrong either. LOL
So next time I see her getting like that I won't take offense. I have no problem debating with her, It's kinda fun to me too. But I have to remember that she is kind of insecure. Maybe that's where the passion comes from. I really don't know. At the same time though I am her sister, so like my ma said I have to tell her about herself. I wonder if she does it to other people though.
If she was trying to tell me that I was close minded, which I am not, I will keep in mind though that there are other possibilities. That is a good thing to keep in the back of your head when considering any situations. But I do think we should have our own morals and standards that we stick to. You can't be too open minded in other words, or else you get your self into trouble. And that's the moral of the story.
Good night world
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