There's never a good thought

I'm laying in bed fighting the caffeine to keep my eyes closed. It's not working anymore so I'm just lying there under the covers in my underwear think, think, thinking about everything.

I first started thinking about Mrs. S my PBL instructor. Today she told us a very personal story in class. And I'm wondering why, would she tell us this. Is she that selfless that she wants to share with us her experience in hopes of helping us to be better, more sensitive physicians. Or does she some how get off on talking about herself and having everyone sitting around facing her with sympathy in their eyes. One or the other. Her story was about her husband dying and her having to go through dealing with the local police as they practically accused her of "bumping him off" as she so eloquently called it. Very sad. And I can't imagine how painful that must have been for her. But she's still here on this Island although he's long gone. Why does she stay? I would love to sit down and have a conversation about that and thank her for sharing but...ugh. You can't get to personal with people. Why not? I don't know. And I thought about if she were to ask me why I don't talk in PBL much, the answer I would give her. I do that a lot, I think about someone asking me a question that I know damned well they never will, but still I think about what I would say...or what I would like to say atleast. And I would have said to her that in PBL we are not solving a real case, and consciously and subconsciously I know this. So my mind just does not click over into that mode of thinking. I'm not going to come up with some amazing idea to share with the class because everything that want us to say is clearly planned out. Every thought that goes through my mind is something either so obvious or far out of the box that it's not even worth saying. So I don't know. It's a good concept to try to get us to practice, and apply the knowledge that we have learned so far but it's just not real. And in that way it's kind of pointless. Sometimes it's like in a movie where they cut to a certain person's face and your like oh, I know he has something to do with it or why else would they have mentioned it. So you start using lame clues like that to figure out the case. It's not realistic. Pooh.

Then I started thinking about Akiss2desire. I sort of had a little mini fantasy about her. I imagined us in some hotel room sitting on the edge of the bed. Me looking down afraid to make eye contact while she genltly puts her hand under my chin, gazes into my eyes and assures me that "no matter what happens" it's not just about the sex. HAHA. Yea fucking right. How could you possible choose to have sex with someone before you hardly get to know them and then say it's not about the sex. Sure you talk online and get to know her first, but the whole purpose of your talk is for one motive, to get her into bed so you can do all of the lovely things you love to write about on your blog. HA. I e-mailed her today hoping she would give me some advice. I was a lot nicer in the e-mail though.

My thoughts wandered more. I thought about Chidi and the way she looks at me sometimes and I wondered if maybe if she's a little bicurious herself. But then I don't know, I've learned there are people in this world that are super friendly and they love attention. And if they see you are a new person and aren't making great efforts to become one of their followers, they kind of get an itch. And thats where all the super big smiles as you walk past them, and the hello's come from although I've only spoken to you once or twice before. Well at least that's what I think it is when it comes to me. I'm just not that interesting, witty, or charming for it to be anything else. It only lasts so long until they forget about you though. But I still did think of her and me in a bed. I think I have more of an attraction for white women for whatever odd reason (cuz I definitely like black men more) but if there is one black girl I could see myself with, it would be her. But when we are passing by each other alone, she doesn't make much effort to start conversation with me. And she isn't shy, I am, so if she wanted to she would and now my little dream bubble floating above my head gets popped and I drift back down to reality.

I started thinking more about it not being all about sex and thinking that maybe it is. Maybe that's some people's entire motivation in life. Above everything else when it comes down to it when you are having sex with someone male and female alike, it's not about expressing emotion, and finding a connection it's just about the damned raw nasty sex. The feeling of fucking and the neurotransmitters released into your circulation after the orgasm is just a drug like any other. Even making someone else come can be enough to get you off, like Akiss says. Just primal animal urges that we enjoy satisfying but the intellectual side of our nature makes us put pretty bows and labels on it and call it "love" and etc, etc... Maybe I'm just ignorant though. Perhaps I'm a non -believer because I've never truly felt it that way. It could be real but maybe it's not that easy to find. But that same thought makes me wonder, if I do end up having sex with a woman one day as i'm considering now (which at one point in my life would have been completely out of the question and not even an imaginable option)that I will regret it. That afterward I will realize that I'm just searching for something, maybe a connection, to feel close loved and wanted by another human being but being with a woman is totally not where I'm going to find it. And then I may become extremely disappointed and disgusted with myself for what I did. Then I'll spiral further down into depression and never be able to get back out. The whole thing will just give me more reasons to hate myself. And I've realized that is one of my major problems. Hate may be too harsh of a word, but I don't like myself and I guess I think that no one else will either so I don't try to make friends for fear of rejection. Sigh. But this is me. Real talk.

And then I start to remind myself as I do time and time again that it's not just about ME. I have some other purpose in life, hopefully. I'm just not really sure what it is anymore. I'm here in medical school now and when I first started about a year ago I really had a passion for what I was learning. I could open a physio book to look up one thing and end up reading an entire chapter just because I was so enthralled. Today I'm sitting here reading about hemorrhage, and thrombosis and prostiglandins and arachidonic acid and it is just utterly BORING. I can't focus. I'm not retaining anything. I want to do this because I know down the line there is something good that I can do on this earth before I die, but if this is my calling then why don't I feel the same way about it. I don't want to be doing this just to do it. I think being a doctor is a privilege and we have an obligation to heal people and to do it for the right reasons. And if I'm not learning as much as a I can to be the best doctor that I can be in the future then I would be cheating myself and my future patients. And I don't think I could live with that. So I don't know what to do. I will just have to force myself through it I guess. Suck it up as my coaches used to say.

Then I start thinking that all of this confusion and lost feeling that I'm having in my life right now could be because I've turned my back on God. If I were to go back to him though, how would that change things. Would he give me a spirit of peace. They say that religion gives you hope. Christianity gives you the hope that after you are done struggling through this interim somewhere between hell and heaven we call life, then we will have everlasting joy awaiting us. And I do believe this, or at least I want to. But that still won't change what's happening to me now. I really don't know what to do. At times I really want to give up and let go and just do nothing and watch everything go up into flames. That would be nice in its own way.

My problem is that I think too much. I think about all of this and it always ends bad. With me questioning the pointlessness of life. I don't want to be a sad and depressing person but this is all I see right now. There's nothing that great about it.

Since I've gotten all of that out I'm going to go shower and probably think about Akiss while I do so and see what happens. Sigh...