It happemed again-I need opinions please

Well it happened again. I was simply trying to have a conversation with my sister about something that happened in class today and she "blew up" on me. Told me that I was ignorant for saying that my teacher did not seem gay. Fortunately we were having this convo online so I was able to save it.

Please if anyone actually does read this I would like your honest opinion. I only have one mind I would like to see how others process this. I know the spelling and grammatical mistakes are numerous but if you can chug your way through this please let me know.

 The Chat: (i've highlighted the meat of the converstion in red...but if u want to read the rest it may aslo be insightful)

HER: wow, you sure are blind
ME: oops
ME: ok now what were u saying
HER: she's going to be here
HER: i'm not sure what she'll be talking about
HER: and also she's deaf
HER: soo
HER: hmm
HER: but i guess she'll just talk
ME: maybe sheell be talking about beind deaf
HER: and yeah
ME: thats cool
HER: yeah
ME: u can go see her
ME: and tell her to say hi to bette for me
HER: i think i'll be at a BSU meeting
HER: no
ME: and tell her that she didn't have to do bette like that
HER: on the article they mentioned she was in The L Word
HER: and Law and Order
HER: and some other shows
ME: yea i saw her on lawn ordder
ME: she was plaing a lawyer
ME: but im not sure if she was supposed to be deaf
HER: she's been in a few episode
HER: she was deaf
HER: and she was helping a lady commit suicide
HER: and then in another one she like refused a kidney transplant
ME: omg phsyccho
HER: she wast he same character both times
HER: and she was deaf
ME: well shes pretty cool
ME: u know
ME: like representing for the deaf community
HER: yep
ME: i wonder if she is really good at reading lips
HER: she's great
HER: she must be
HER: you almost forget she's deaf
ME: it was so cute when her and bette got together
ME: yea
HER: sometimes i think Bette is an idiot
HER: she can act kinda dumb
HER: just like her mannerisms and stuff
ME: like what
HER: i dunno
HER: i can't describe it
ME: i dont i like her
ME: sometimes she can be kind of a b*tch
HER: no
ME: but in a good way
HER: i'm not saying i don't like her
HER: she just seems alittle slow sometimes
ME: what?
ME: nah i dont see it
ME: i really don't think u know what u r talking about
ME: maybe ure confused
ME: ill tell who does seem slow
ME: max
ME: and kit sometimes acts like a big grown baby
ME: but slow or dumb
ME: nah don't see it
HER: whateev
ME: she actually really smart, atleast her character is supposed to be
ME: maybe its how she talks, kind of soft sometimes especially when she was talklin to jodie but thats bc she cant hear her any way so
ME: yea
ME: so i dont know
ME: i mean its not like ure an expert on the L Word anyway
ME: OMG 
ME: my friend made this pasta stuff it was soooooo freakin good man
ME: shrimp pasta it was spicy and so shrimpy uhg
ME: i just ate the last of it and i wish i had more
HER: YEAH
HER: that's what i meant
HER: her mannerisims
HER: how she talks
HER: aww
HER: you didn't let me taste none
ME: nah
ME: but ill probably make it one day
ME: its so good
ME: if i can
ME: i dont know if it wll taste the same
ME: but ill try my best
ME: got MILK?
ME: i do
ME: AND
ME: oh
ME: theres a roomer going around....which is so lame that my teacher is ga
ME: gay
HER:
HER: why?
HER: was Mr. Ht gay?
ME: i dont see how someone can blatantly spread a rumor as fact
HER: seriously, was he?
ME: I dont know
ME: thats what people said but how would u know
HER: i don't know
ME: Any way
HER: but once some kids asked my laid back english teacher
HER: and she kinda smiled, as was like i don't want to get in to this
ME: the girl was sitting next to us and she told us that two of the TA's were engaged because we saw on his laptop desktop that he head a wedding registry up
ME: Then she was like, oh by the way OUR TEACHER is gay
ME: so later on this other girl asked her how did she know
ME: and she goes its just the word thats going around class
HER: wow
HER: that's messed up
ME: and they saw him at the gym with another guy
ME: Like what the freak
ME: Thats why i hate gossip
ME: he doesnt even seem like he would be gay to me
HER: well that's kind of prejudice
ME: and thats pretty messed up u going around tetlling everyone that and u dont even know it for fact
ME: thats just STUPID
HER: the only thing that makes you gay is being attracted to the same sex
ME: just because u are working out with someone of the same sex means u are gay?
HER: all that other stuff is stereotype
ME: thatsjust dumb people do that all the time, its not prejudice or sterotype its stupid
ME: really think about it
ME: thats the only evidence they have
HER: no
HER: but you said he doesn't seem like the gay type
HER: THAT is prejudiced
HER: what is the gay type?
ME: um he doesnt
HER: hmmm???
ME: he wears a wedding ring
HER: so?
HER: gay people have wedding ceremonies
ME: he doesnt seem gay thats all im saying
HER: what does it mean to see gay?
ME: i mean what did u just say about doctor H
HER: gay is not a personality trait
ME: omg please shut up
HER: it's just attraction/sexual orientation
HER: no
HER: that's kind of messed up
ME: ok goodbye
HER: you're getting mad about spreading rumors
HER: but you're spreading stereotypes
HER: realll cool
ME: how am i spreading a steryotype?
ME: who am i talkling to im just talkling to u
HER: because you said he doesn't seem gay
ME: oh dont go around telling people stuff like this
ME: but ure so quick to try to preach to people all the time
ME: its really annoying
HER: unless you've seen him having sex with women i don't know how you could possibly know
ME: SO WHAT
HER: but you won't admit that it's a sterotype
HER: you're just like ohh whatever
ME: SO WHAT
HER: which means you don't really believe it
HER: and one day you'll say that to someone else
ME: ok right
ME: ure right
HER: and possibly hurt their feelings
ME: he doesnt fit the "steryotype" of a gay man to me
ME: which i didn't say
HER: i've got news for you
HER: a lot of gay people don't
ME: i just said that nothing about it him even hinted to me
HER: just like a lot of blacks don't fit into a steretype
HER: or anyone really
ME: because I ALWAY THOUGHT HE WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN
ME: thats just what i thought for my own reasons
ME: but hey your right
HER: i know i am
HER: thanks
ME: he could still be gay
ME: and be married
ME: i mean
ME: technically in this world we can never assume anything
ME: OH YEA
ME: i FORGOT tHATS how you think
HER: okay
HER: please explain to me
HER: how someone can SEEM gay
ME: no u tell me
HER: please, please tell me how you identify someone you know no more closely than a teacher as being gay
HER: i can't
HER: i don't think people can seem gay
ME: ok then
HER: they're gay if they're attracted to the same sex
ME: i can't explain it to u at this point in your life if you cant figure that out
HER: no
HER: i'm want to hear you arguments
HER: as to why he doesn't seem gay
ME: i dont have an argument
ME: its just my opinion
HER: please tell what signs you have or have not seen
ME: maybe its not true or it’s fiction
ME: someone to me can "seem" gay but i wont automatically assume they are without knowing it for fact
ME: but that is my way of thinking
HER: how have you formed your opinions?
HER: how does someone seem gay?
ME: u dont have to adopt that for yourself
ME: u can have your own opinions
ME: i wont try to force them on you
ME: if u want to feel that NO one in this world fits any
ME: "steryotypes" as u call them
ME: thats fine u can do that
HER: i'm not saying no one does
HER: but you can't assume someone isn't gay just because they don't
HER: that's dumb
ME: I mean seriously like the guy that dressed like a woman on the L word, I assumed he was gay
ME: i mean to me it didnt matter
ME: if he was or not, just as it usually doesnt
HER: i'm black, i don't fit into a lot of black stereotypes
ME: But then when i found out he wasn't i was like oh ok
ME: thats weird
HER: yet i've been told i don't act black
HER: that's hurtful to me
HER: because i am black, and always will be
HER: it's not about how you act
HER: or anything outside stuff
ME: Well how do i know that he isn't actually a woman who has become a transgendered man
ME: just because he looks like a man and sounds like a man and dresses like a man
ME: i mean how do i know
ME: ?
HER: you don't
ME: i cant really assume that right
ME: ok and what if i did assume that he was a man?
HER: it's best not to assume what you don't know though
ME: what would that mean
HER: it's different if you know the person
ME: no i asked u a questin
HER: you have apersonal relationship with them
HER: you notice he goes to gay bars
HER: or never dates women or anything
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then maybe you might say he does or doesn't act gay
HER: but just from standing in front of you lecturing?
ME: helloooo
HER: you know NOTHING about him
ME: i asked u a question?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then you would be wrong
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but at least you have more evidence of him being a man
HER: because he looks like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: someone can't LOOK gay
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but you can look/sound like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: i just answered you
HER: wow...
ME: i said what would it MEAN?
ME: u didnt answer the question
HER: YOOU WOULD BE WRONG
HER: that's all it would mean
HER: damnn
HER: read
HER: with your two eyes
ME: and what would it mean to be wrong
ME: i mean
HER: he would not be a man
ME: what effect would that have?
HER: as you assumed
HER: well if you kept it to yourself nothing
HER: but if you ever mentioned it to him
HER: or someone who knows him
ME: and that would be pretty messed up for me to go around spreading stereotypes that he is a man right?
HER: that might be hurtful
HER:  this is different
ME: HA
ME: how is it different?
HER: you have evidence showing he's a man
HER: men aren't stereotypes
HER: tall, larger build, deep voice
HER: that's a man
ME: what is a stereotype then?
HER: different facial features
HER: no breasts
HER: things like
HER: for example
HER: black stereotypes: loud, criminal, uneducated, promiscuous, bad family structure, poor language, etc.
ME: ok so negative things?
HER: gay men: effeminate, promicuous, lisps, etc.
ME: ok and u know for a fact those are the things I used to come to the conclusion that he was not gay?
HER: many stereotypes are negative
HER: i don't
HER: that's why i asked you to tell me
HER: but somehow you regfuuuuuse
HER: and i think i know why
HER: duh
HER: so don't efven try that
ME: and because of the fact that i did not use those that in a way is me spreading those stereotypes
HER: i asked you
HER: i gaveyou a chance to prove youweren't usingstereotype
HER: t
HER: s
HER: that somehow you had factual evidence
HER: but NOPE
HER: you didn't want to tell me
ME: well here
ME: her
ME: here
ME: here's the thing
HER: tell what you were using
ME: if he was up there walking with a switching and talking with a lisp
HER: what criteria
HER: please tell me
HER: i answered your question
HER: why won't you answer mine?
ME: i proabably still wouldnt assume he's gay because some people are just like that
HER: please answer my question
ME: THe faCT THAT I HAD THIS IDEA IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD THAT HE WAS MARRIED?? and the fact that i assume most people pretty much fall in the status quo unless i know other wise, and the fact that i had never really thought about whether he was gay or not
ME: to me...for that reason i just never though he was gay or he didnt "seem" gay to me
HER: so because i don't think about someone being smart, it's okay for me to say they SEEM smart
HER: people someone has failed a class, it's okay to say they don't SEEM smart
ME: if he did have those stereotypes as u say of walking a certain way talking with a lisp, then the possibility that he might be gay would have crossed my mind but i still wouldn’t assume that he was
ME: if u think that is a "wrong" way of thinking so be it
HER: because someone hangs about with a bunch of slackers, and probably "fits into the status quo" it's okay for me to say they don't SEEM smart
HER: that makes no sense
ME: that is YOUR opinion and u are entitled to it
ME: well im sorry my thought process makes no sense to u
ME: but u do it all the time
HER: it's also my opinion that it's not okay to make assumptions about someone's personal life based on very limited observations
HER: gay isn't a skin color
ME: i don’t understand why u are getting so upset with me for doing the same thing that u do?
HER: it's not a personality
HER: it's what goes on in someone's personal life
HER: you cannot SEEM gay
HER: i'm not upset
HER: don't assume i am
ME: oh ok
HER: i'm just giving you my opinion
ME: well why are u so adimant about convincing me that i am wrong and u are right?
HER: because i feel what you're saying is really ignorant
HER: and i don't want you to be ignorant
HER: i'm try to make you realize what you said was very messed up
ME: and why do u feel that u know what is ignorant and i do not?
HER: " resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence"
HER: that is ignorance
ME: and why do u feel that i lack intelligence?
HER: i want you to KNOW that someone can't SEEM gay
HER: that's all
HER: because you stated he didn't seem gay
ME: well i would say that yes they can
HER: implying someone can seem gay
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem black
HER: that makes no sense
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem female
ME: well i dont agree with you
ME: sorry
HER: well hi there, you seem like a doctor
ME: if u feel that makes me ignorant
ME: well hey i guess now i know your opinion of me
ME: thanks
HER: the statement was ignorant
HER: and since you aren't retracting it
ME: no i'm not
HER: you are ignorant on that specific topic
ME: BUT THE FUNNY THING IS THAT YOU DO THE SAME THING
HER: i'm not saying everything you say/do is ignorant
HER: but that is
ME: but for some reason when it comes to these things especially the gay thing u are very touchy about it
HER: never said i didn't
ME: why?
ME: i dont know
ME: i mean maybe because u think i think gay people are bad?
ME: or soemthing
HER: and i would accept criticism without getting defensive or upset or trying to make it about the other person
ME: and im going to go out and spit on them and call them mean names/
ME: i dont know
ME: i'm not getting defensive
ME: i was just explaining to you my train of thought to make u understand it
HER: i understand it
ME: i understand what u are saying but i dont agree
HER: and i think it's wrong
HER: you think it's right
ME: ok thats fine
ME: i said that
HER: so maybe we should let it fo
HER: go*
ME: and u think that i made and ignorant statement
HER: because this isn't getting us anywhere
ME: and u dont want me to be ignorant
ME: which to me is insulting but hey....that’s your opinion ill just keep that in mind when i speak to you from now on
HER: alllrighty
HER: go right ahead
ME: alrighty
ME: end of discussion?
HER: yep



Well apparently for me to say that some one can seem like something is wrong. Especially gay. Is this true? What do I honestly think? Anyone can be anything. The most macho guy in the world, going around spewing how he hates gay people could be gay himself. And a man who has extremely effeminate characteristics or even likes to dress like a woman at times could be straight. To me gay or straight or even bisexual is defined  only by who you have an attraction for sexually. So even a man that has had sex with a woman on several occasions could be gay.

Though when I say that some one doesn't seem a certain way that doesn't mean that I think that all people who are gay will or will not fall into a certain category characteristics or "stereotypes". If i did happen to see a man who is dressing like a female, walking and talking with more effeminate characteristics it might and most likely would cross my mind that he is or could be gay. If I have a professor who i assumed was married for whatever reason, (I can't even remember why) and just acts like an average guy fairly masculine I would say that he doesn't seem gay to me. Or maybe the word "seem" is the problem. Maybe I should have said It never crossed my mind that he was or was not gay. 

Either way the point to me is that IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Which is the thing my sister doesn't seem to get. She is so worried about what other people think. First of all I wouldn't go around sharing these thoughts that I may or may not have with anyone unless they were a friend in confidence. And in that case it really doesn't matter. As I thought my sister was my friend who I could share things with in confidance , but her problem is that she is too judgemental and its starting to get on my nerves. I can't say anything thing to her without her analyzing it and then grilling the hell out of me about it if she finds it "wrong". Well that to me is not a good characteristic to have or at least to use on other people who are supposed to be a friend. I have no problem with her sharing her opinion with me about it, but then insulting me on my opinions or constantly trying to get me to think the way that she does adimant that I am wrong... It gives her the appearance of being arrogant, and it obnoxious. 

And I know that she feels this way about other people...she stereotypes them herself all the time. Her classmates and such. She feels that she is better than them for whatever reasons...and most people are not worthy of her. She has said this to me jokingly but I always say 80% of a joke is some kind of truth.

I think at times in your life you will have to form assumptions about people. I mean you HAVE to. And especially me as a doctor I will have to learn to use this skill very well. The thing is to know that assumptions are not fact. You can never really know something about someone until you know it. And even then everything can't be trusted but unfortunately because we are not psychic beings so that's the way it has to be.

I really don't know what my sister's problem is. She says I may end up hurting someone. I don't really see how that could happen, if someone lets the fact that someone thinks they are gay or not gay hurt their feelings...well that says something about that person and maybe not so much about the person who thought it. People have many different reasons for thinking the way that they do. The problem is when we let stereotypes determine how we will treat another person especially if it is in a negative way. For example police officers harassing a black man driving through a white neighborhood for the mere fact that he is black and NOT because he was nescesarrily breaking a law.

I will not pretend to be well informed on everything so if I say something that is wrong does that make me ignorant? No I think that makes me human.

Now on the gay thing, my honest opinion of it, due to my religious and scientific beliefs I think it is wrong. Growing up I learned that adultury is a sin, and I really am not even sure if homosexuality is a sin, but since two people of the same sex can't be mariried sexual relations between to people of the same sex would be a sin. Now if the two were married legally, since the Bible says that we should follow the laws of the land as long as they don't break the laws of God then...I don't know. Scientifically since two people of the same sex can't procreate and thats what sex is for then it doesn't seem to make much sense in terms of evolution. But I also think that there may be genetic traits that would cause someone to be attracted to a person of the same sex. So me I don't think its right but it doesn't bother me. If someone is gay or wants to be gay that's their business I don't care.

If I were to think, what if it turned out my child was gay (because even a family member well hmm i don't know if i would care so much) I would have to say that I am worried about the fate of their soul...heaven or hell. I think that if it is a sin then it is just a sin like any other. And hopefully if I had raised them to know that living in sin is not the best thing then that would affect their choices.

Me for example...I have stated in my other blogs that I have had strange feelings...maybe attractions to other females but I have never acted on it. Why? I don't know. There are alot of things I "feel" like doing but I don't do. I'm a "civilized" creature. But at the same time I give in and do other things that I know are wrong. I'm human.

So now that I have blown off my own steam...I feel that I don't really know what's going through my sister's head. And I don't really care anymore. It's just not really fun to be attacked when u just want to have a light enjoyable conversation with someone. And since I know she has this characteristic I will just have to remember that when I speak to her in the future. (If i Ever Do) But seriously .... I think I'm getting over the right and wrong thing. People have their own OPINIONS. Thats the way it is. I don't feel that it's my or anyone's job to go around telling people how they should think if they are not harming themselves or anyone else then...hey.

People who have negative opinions about gay people are going to have them for whatever reason, whether they say it out loud or not. And it probably has nothing to do with them believing a gay person talks or walks a certain way. It's usually much deeper than that. 

So my new slogan is "I don't care". 

But I am intersted in anyone else's opinion. If you care to comment please do. PLEASE. 

Thanks

UPDATE

Well, I did exactly what I didn't want to do. I did not keep up with the blogging. But it's ok I'm going to try.

So what has happened to me since my last time blogging. Well. A lot I guess. But the most important things...

1) I'm doing well in school. Actually getting A's on the exams and usually 8, 9, or 10 / 10 on the quizzes.
I would have to say that I sort of surprised myself. I mean I'm putting in a lot of time studying, but I don't really feel like I'm killing myself or really working my ass off either. Maybe I should try that just to see what happens.

2) I have not gotten a student loan yet, so this has resulted in multiple threats of eviction form my landlord, plenty of other bills going into default and probably ending up on my credit report. This really worries me. Part of me is really afraid this may hinder me in getting a loan once I get to the island, but part of me is saying, this is what God really wants for me and it will all work out.

3) There's Mr. E and there's me. Oh boy. So we've been seeing each other pretty much every weekend since I got to MIA without fail.
Amazing. But it's not a "relationship" we're just friends. I do enjoy his company, and the sex...sometimes. But part of me feels like, it's an addiction or something and I couldn't stop if I tried. But I don't want to try, for fear of loosing him, for fear of being completely alone, for fear of having no one to give me attention. And part of me wants to end it just because I feel like I deserve more, than just to be someone's fuck buddy. But then I also think that it's almost the perfect relationship for my situation right now. I really don't need to be too attached to someone (or the obsession that usually goes along with that) because I need to focus on school. And he pretty much doesn't come around on the week days so thats a plus also. More time to study and less time for me to give in to my weakness.
But the jealousy is still there. I think he may have someone else. But really does it matter. We have not set up a monogamous relationship (although i did ask him to tell me if he started screwing someone else). But I get jealous anyway and nosy. But really now that I think about it, it doesn't matter. My MAIN concern is disease. Those things do go around, although we do always use protection I just think that...condoms can't block everything. But whatever, what we are doing is wrong in so many ways so really so what if he has someone else on the side. I havn't asked him not to and he hasn't told me he wouldn't. Better keep it that way until I leave. Then I can be free of this whole thing. Men

4) Then there'es Mr. S and me. The Ex. Yea so we still talk on the phone. He really is the most perplexing person I've ever known. He lies like its breathing air. And doesn't think twice about it. And I know he's lying and he probably knows I know he's lying but he continues anyway. He sent me money to pay my light and phone bill which I appreciate. But then...he doesn't call me for days, even weeks at a time. Uh ok? And I call and pretend to be pissed about it, I mean. I don't really get as upset about it as I tell him I am, I think truly I just don't like the lack of attention, but it doesn't really bother me that much. I just want him to keep the money coming, and be there in the future in case I need any other favors. We usually argue when we talk. Last week I had several sessions of calling him non stop and filling up his voice mail until he either answered or I just got tired of doing it. He didn't get upset about that, he was just upset about the fact that I was upset about him not calling me after he had just paid so much money for my phone bill. Strange. I guess we are two strange people, that's probably why I stayed with him so long, because I knew he didn't care about my strangeness.

But anyway. I don't know if he really thinks that we are in a relationship or even really wants to have one with me. But I know I would never be with him again. No way. He's I liar and I can never believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And I know for sure that is something I do not want. EVER AGAIN. Being with him has given me an overall mistrust of people, esp men. I hope this won't be too much of a problem for me in the future.

6) My sweet baby died. My little doggy. But it was my fault really. I was out of control once again and this time...well thats what happened. I was sad for a while. I sort of miss him. Or do things as if he was still here. But i don't think about it too much so it doesn't affect me. it's just weird him not being here.

7) New people at school & my wonderful anti social skills which, are hardly improving at all. Yes I've sort of friendlied up to the two ladies sitting on either side of me at school. One of them is older (38) and the other is younger. And I think I have a girl crush on one of them. i don't know I try to ignore those feelings, but I keep having weird dreams. And the other is really, starting to annoy me. Well atleast when we are at school, and I usually don't let people get to me like that.

She always falls asleep in class, for whatever reason...she was up studying too late, fell asleep on the couch last night, went to bed and woke up several times in the night, I really could care less. But then she wakes up in class and complains about it, and talks about how this teacher is monotonous or whatever, blah blah blah. Then asks to copy my notes. I mean why should I care about her copying my notes? I shouldn't right? I have to take notes anyway. It's just that ughhh...she wants to copy them because she was sleeping in class, not because she was sick, or absent or whatever. I was in class, she was in class, but for whatever reason she can't keep her self awake. I'm up late sometimes too, but I never fall asleep in class, I'm usually too into the lecture for that to happen. But I can tell she's smart. Maybe its some kind of act she's putting on. For attention as well maybe??? Who knows people are all wierd.

And about the girl crush thing. Ok every once in a while. Not even just girls it can be a guy too. I will just get these weird feelings about a person. Like I really like them, there personality, the whole diminor, and just the way they are. And sometimes I wish I could get to know them better. And then I get other weird, not really sexual but sort of have thought like that about the person. Just thoughts of being really close to them. But it really freaks me out, if that person happens to be a female. I have had this happen with another friend of mine, a very good friend. And nothing ever comes out of it because I usually don't pursue it. And as a matter of fact, as I'm getting older and I start to get into these little phases of obsession with people (Just as I did with Mr. E) I just learn to try and not thing about them, or ignore the feelings that I have.

This seems kind of bad I know, why should I ignore my own feelings. I don't know. I think right now I just need to be focused. And a lot of times it ends up becoming unhealthy for me, when I can't sleep b/c of it or I waste tons of time just thinking about the person, hoping they will call whatever. With my Ex was the worst. I did a lot of crazy things over him, but that's another story for another day.

8) I had a birthday. I'm 25. Hard to believe. just thinking about being that many years old does not seem real. But I am. If I could assess myself, and judge if the me of 25 is much different from the me of years passed I would have to say yes. I have made some improvements. Not all of the improvements I have hoped, but honestly I only just actually made a conscious decision to work on myself about a year ago. And I'm not where I want to be yet but overall I'd say I'm improving. But all of this takes time. i still have about 3-4 years of medical school left. By the time I'm do ne hopefully I'll be much better. But I mean, there are always improvements to be made, I'm sure I'll be saying that until I'm an old lady. But atleast at somepoint I would like to say I'm completely happy with who I am. No doubt, I like myself but...I don't know. BLAH BLAH BLAH

Ok blackwomanmd when u read this in 10 years hopefull u will have a laugh

Anyway,
I guess thats the most major things I can think of for now. Atleast that are affecting me without having to use real names of friends. PLUS i am supposed to be studying Microbiology right now, but I have a pure and wonderful talent for procrastination. It's too bad I can't make a career out of that skill.

Religiousness and Beliefs

Continued from

Im just worried because I find it a weakness. She has her beliefs in some things, for example, people should not live in large groups because it always causes problems. Like for example most of the wars and social problems that we have now. Racism and unfairness in government. This I don't agree with I think it is more beneficial. I think human nature is the problem. There will always be selfish people who only want to look out for them selves and will do anything to get their own way. That is the problem, even if their is a small group the same will happen. And it is also human nature to look out for your own safety and not cause problems, confront, and just get by. I mean look at bullies on playgrounds. The same thing happens in these small groups of kids. There will always be leaders and always be followers. There are just certain personality types which cause problems. Corruption and greed. Small groups wouldn't make it any better in my opinion it would just make it different.

My sister's idea of solving a problem is to run away from it. I mean these are her opinions as I have mine. I just don't agree and I guess I can't really judge them. But there are just some things that are common sense that she needs to realize.

She wants to go to the peace corps and help people in foreign countries. She things that a country as strong as ours the US should be helping others and I guess she wants to be apart of it. I think she beliefs things will be somehow better in another country. Maybe, but if she's looking for some utopia, she's not going to find it. She just wants something better. I on the other hand don't care about that as much. Because I see that we have enough problems in our own country. I would like to be a part of solving these here. Does that make be better or worse neither. But I think that my sister as a successful black person should lend her talents to helping other black people her in the US. That what I think . There are so few of us who are willing to do something. I say she let other successful people go and take care of those problems. I don't know. I guess I'm kind of disappointed in that sense.

But what can I do. I can't really say who's right or wrong. But I want to say she's wrong thought I know that would be wrong.

Religiousness

My sister made and interesting comment to me in one of our conversations the other day. We were discussing religion and she made the comment that there are so many possible religions (beliefs) out there that she could never just chose one. Or at least she couldn't choose one until she was familiar with the majority of them.

I find that she is that way about a lot of things. This goes back to the conversation where I made a generalization about "chop shop" plastic surgeons (that's what I like to call them). Anyway she said that I couldn't possibly say that they all have bad intentions because I haven't met them all.

It's like she never wants to make generalizations, or stand for anything. She can never be sure of something, because she doesn't know for sure. This is an interesting personality trait to me. It's kind of hard to explain but it seems abnormal to me.

I claim myself to be a Christian. Most definetly not a good one but that is my religion. I mark it down when I fill out surveys yadayada. Growing up our Mother made all of us go to church most Sundays. When I got to college I stopped going to church mostly because I didn't want to , didn't want to feel guilty, and because well I have alittle problem with chruches. But I still believe in God and what the Bible says is true. We were sort of taught not to question it. I have never truly questioned it because I think it's just something you have to believe. Proof is in the mericales of nature all around us. Its about faith not science. I am able to separate the two in my mind.

My sister on the other hand. I'm not sure she is. She just doesn't believe in heaven and hell. In otherwords how could this belief be correct and others like Islam for example, be wrong. Many people I can understand this do not want to believe this. And I'm not sure if I know it would be true either. It seems that God would not be so nice if all other people, even muslim would be sent to hell because they truly believe in their relgion and not in Christianity as we know it.

And who know maybe I am wrong about me religious choice. But I think its abot more than that. It's about keeping yourself accountable. And it is a very complicated an diffucult thing to think about. I believe in the ten commandments and I believe in sin and punishment for sin. But mostly follwing Christianity cannot be harmful. It's meant to give you moral guidelines on how to treat yourself and other people.

Other religions do this also. My sister also made the argument that some Christians do evil things in the name of christianity, and also judge people for not accepting Christianity. I don't read my Bible much now adays but I do remember learning in Church that we are not suppoed to judge other people. That is left up to God. And the Jesus Christ, who we are supposed to follow as an example never looked down on people who where not believers. He always accepted them and even fellowshiped with them. The point I was making in that is that you cannot associate the behaviors of certain people with the religion itslef. You can only go to the book whcih tells you how to behave. People have done all types of evil things in the name of Chrisitanity, slavery being one of them. That is just human nature, and the nature of man is evil (which the Bible will also tell you). People have done just the same in the name of other religions. Look at the terrorist attacks that are going on now.

As much as she likes to talk about not making generalizations or being prejudice towards groups of people she does the same herself and doesn't realize it. She cannot separate these things in her mind. But now she has a grudge against religions because some people can be lead to do terrible things by them.

The curious thing to me though, is how did I end up being such a believer in Christianity and my own sister completely rejects it? She said she believe in a higher power, I think, but not necessarily the Christian God that I know. Maybe I'm just more accepting. And I'm not even sure it's that. I just can't find any good reason to reject it. I mean what harm is it doing if you truly follow Christianity the way its supposed to be.

Continued...

Am I an Alcoholic?

According to about.com's alcohol screening quiz, 20 questions, I answered 7 out of 20 questions yes. Since I answered more than 3, I have alcohol dependent tendencies I I need to seek professional help. I don't 100% trust that little quiz so I'm going to take another and see if it agrees.

According to Alcoholics Victorious I also have a drinking problem. I answered YES to only one of their list of questions. I still don't think this is accurate. I'm going to take another quiz.

Wikipedia defines alcoholism : Alcoholism is a term with multiple and sometimes conflicting definitions. In common and historic usage, alcoholism refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite the health problems and negative social consequences it causes. Medical definitions describe alcoholism as a disease which results in a persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences.

I always thought an alcoholic is someone who is physically addicted to alcohol. But it seems this is not true.*

If I use Wiki's definition then I am an alcoholic and so are most of my friends. Or at least they have been at some point. So I guess I can say I am an alcoholic, but do I need help? Or do I need to stop drinking? I don't think so. I mean I could. Its probably not the best for you anyway but neither are tons of other things that I do. At this point I'm not ready to stop drinking totally, just like I'm not ready to stop eating junk food totally. But I will watch it. I won't get "wasted" any more. But I still don't think there is anything wrong with being a little tipsy every once in a while. Being drunk is in bad taste.

* Since I am going to be doctor one day. I decided to think like a doctor. I looked up the definition of alcoholism in my good old Oxford Medical Dictionary: alcoholism n. the syndrome due to physical dependence on alcohol, such that sudden deprivation may cause withdrawal symptoms-tremor, anxiety, hallucinations, and delusions.

So I was right. Eh I definitely don't suffer from alcohol dependency. Maybe I'm somewhere in the middle. As I previously decided no more getting wasted. But now I know the difference, I don't need to drink I like to drink.

My only concern is that I like to drink alone. I've always heard this is a bad thing but why? I don't really know what that means. Is drinking supposed to only be a social practice. Like oh yea society says you can get tipsy with your friends and that's OK but if you do it alone your an alcoholic. What the hell. I'm so sick of societal standards. Some of them just don't make any damn sense to me. Drinking alone can possibly be sign of some problems lurking in the darkness. But not necessarily. There are always exceptions to the rule. Or maybe I'm just in denial.

The online quizes are made to target those who may possibly have an alcohol dependecy issue so they just try to get the minimum possible. If you look at the quizes any one who has ever gotten drunk one time and then had a hang over the next day would probably be considered an alcoholic. The questions are to vague and subjective.

Thanksgiving

So Thanksgiving has come and gone and so has my family. They whisked their way down to visit and have a nice little holiday here in the MIA with me. Step dad came all the way from Texas. Retrospectively it seems it was nice having them here for the first day at least, but of course personalities began to clash and I began to miss my alone time. I never realized how much I actually enjoy being alone. I don't like to be this way all the time but most of the time I really don't mind it. Does that make me selfish? Self centered? Antisocial? I don't know. Is this something about myself I should reject or embrace? Or maybe I combination of the two. I really don't know.

All I know is that for most of the time the fam was here in the back of my mind I was secretly wishing they would hurry up and leave so I could have my space and my peace and quiet back again. Maybe that's normal. I tried not to show it but I think my secret wish was so huge that it began to seep through my seams. Sorry guys.

Anywhoo. I am of course in a bit of a predicament having to do with getting a student loan to start this Preporatory program for Ross. While I was in school and after I finished i did not defer my student loans from undergrad. I only made forbarences on some of them after I finished at USF and by then it was too late. I have negative history on my credit report now. So I cannot get a private student loan without a cosigner. And I cannot apply with a cosinger until I have cleared up so delinquent loans from one of my other lenders. It sucks because I planned to be here for a month and then when school started I was supposed to have my loan money and that was at the end of this month. Now rent is due, school is starting in 2 days and I have no money, no loans on the way, and no letter from my lender which was supposed to be putting me into forbarence. I'm screwed unless I can get this loan I am truley screwed. Oh and my phone and light bills are past due.

A lot of this trouble is due to my irresponsibility. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was thinking I would just ignore the creditors and they would go away. I was thinking I would just leave the loans be until I started school again and they would be deferred. Well that thinking was wrong. I ignored my problems and they got worse and came back to bite me in the ass.

Such is life.

But it doesn't have to be that way. I should have made better decisions. My mom says I should have listened to her, but honestly I guess I don't listen unless someone is yelling at me. Just like a little kid huh.

Growing up is starting to become a better and better idea to me.

I'm trying not to get stressed out but in doing that I'm sort of letting things slide down to even worse territory. What can I do at this point. Nothing but pray i suppose and the way I have been behaving lately I'm not sure if God will really want to help me. So maybe I truly am screwed for the first time in my life.

I am back, after a long Hiatus. I never do seem to be able to stick to these things. Anyway I'm trying.

So today my sister and I got into a huge argument? She says it was a "conversation" to me it sounded more like an argument since, she started throwing insults my way and ended up hanging up the phone on me. Yea my sis is 6 years younger than me. But she is very smart and very interesting to have conversations with. The only thing is that she can act like a little know it all. I think she has reached some kind of "enlightened" stage in her life and she is now trying to spread this to other people. Or she thinks people need to think the way she does. I don't know.

It is very interesting and it got pretty heated but now that it's over I want to it back and evaluate what exactly happened so I can really understand what went on. Was a wrong in any of the things I said how can I change my behavior, what would I do differently if presented with the same situation.

How it started, and I notice my sister likes to do this a lot, when you are talking to her she likes to disagree with certain points I you make. Now sometimes I can see this as her begin a little arrogant. But perhaps like she said, she is just trying to have a conversation. I think I get a little defensive when she does this. Next time I will take a step back, think about what she said and then present my side, or opinion. But to be honest I think I did get defensive which may have been part of the reason the argument escalated as it did.

Anyway it started off with us talking about Bernie Mac and how he died ( I recently watched soul men) and she made the statement that he didn't look like he was 50. My sister stated that our mother doesn't look her age either. Anyway somehow this got to us talking about how people feel about themselves when we look in the mirror. Oh yea she said she doesn't think people should lose weight just for vanity reason. And I said, "well I don't see anything wrong with losing weight if you don't like how you look in the mirror. Why not? "
"Health is a better reason to loose weight". she says.
And I go "Yea but still if you feel fine with the way you look and you are overweight there is nothing wrong with that." I wasn't really talking about health since we were talking about appearances in the first place.

So somehow we got on the topic of plastic surgery, I think I brought it up. I made a statement, somewhere along the lines of "Those doctors like the ones on the TV show Doctor 90210, are bad doctors for treating people who have psychological issues, and don't need plastic surgery the need therapy." I gave the example of the couple who came on , the woman was like a size zero literally and wanted to get some extra love handles removed. And I said that was crazy she looked fine. To me it reminds me of people who are anorexic and can be skin and bones but still look in the mirror and say they are fat. My opinion is that a good doctor would not perform surgery on that type of person they would at least send them for psychological evaluation first.

For some reason she decided to argue with me on that and say, "Oh how can you know that...your wrong" And I said I'm sorry but as a doctor it is your duty to help people with their health and if you are using your skills soley for the purpose of making money, that is wrong.

But she went on to disagree and say that I cant know if those people are bad doctors because I don't know them and I have never gone and spoken to them in person. Then I said I was making and educated guess from my observations. Apparently she felt it was wrong that I use the word "educated guess" because when you make and educated guess you must have legitimate sources from which you are making this guess. And then I laughed.

Now I will give you the reason that I laughed, because she was getting into semantics. We are having a silly discussion about something that has no bearing on anything. I mean I am not planning to publish this in JAMA or something. So I laughed partly to show that I am keeping this light, (not taking it too seriously) and at the situation because now, on top of her telling me I was wrong about what I thought about the doctors, now she's telling me I don't know what an educated guess means. Honestly I thought it was funny.

So then I told her that she was getting into semantics , obviously I meant an assumption made from my observations. Oh don't remember what else I said but I do remember her at that point telling me that I sounded like an idiot. Now here is where I got a little upset. I mean she takes everything so personally. Later on she told me she felt I had insulted her by laughing. She didn't even know why I laughed but she said it was an insult because I was laughing at her. This is where I have to realise that yes my sister is smart but she is still very sensitive and childish in many ways. She believes she is right about everything, thought she won't say it and that everyone she view things the way she does.

We ended up calling my mother and getting her into the conversation. I just wanted my sister to understand where I was coming from. My mother of course agreed with me, and said that those doctor's that use there skills to make money off of people's insecurities and body image issues are unethical. But my sister kept arguing that "No we don't know what those doctor's think. They could really think that they are helping people."

Now looking back on it I think my sister was generalizing my statements on these type of doctors, to my opinions on all different types of people. Later on she told me that I was being closed-minded. And she kept trying to apply my statement about bad cosmetic surgeons to other people.

For example she said" people who commit civil disobedience are bad people" I told her I never said that.

So I think I know what was happening but I'm not sure. She believes that I am a closed minded person from my statements and she was trying to "show me" as she said that I don't know everything and that I can view things from a different point of view. She said she was trying to get me to admit that I could be wrong and that my opinion is not the only point that could exist. Now if that is honestly what she was trying to do, that's not really a bad thing. It was how she went about doing it. To me it felt like she was attacking me, and trying to tell me basically, that "You don't know what you are talking about".

See what I don't get is why she took this opportunity to do it. I am no idiot or fool. I know that there are different ways to think about things. What happened was I was trying to get her to understand my opinion. When she understood it, she was just trying to get me to say that I could be wrong. So it turned into an argument and her calling me closed minded. And I said maybe I am close-minded about this specific situation, but that doesn't mean I a am close minded person. It just means that I have formed an opinion about this topic and there is really no changing my mind. Now that does not mean that I am not aware of the fact that other possibilities do exist. Like yes, maybe the doctor's on Dr. 90210 use there skills in other ways, maybe there are cosmetic surgeons who truly think they are improving the self image of people by giving them cosmetic surgeons. But I was using those doctors as and example just so she could see what I was talking about. But she turned it into something entirely different, and I went along with it.

I do not like the fact that she wants to critique everything I say, analyze it, turn it into something else, and disagree. Something is weird about that. I am not sure why she does it. It makes it hard to have a pleasant conversation with her. It's like you have to walk on eggshells and be careful what you say. I think of my sister now as my , friend, a very good friend but this behavior makes it hard to talk to her like one. It's like talking to your English professor or something. He He.

If anyone reads this I'd appreciate some opinions on what you think happened.

I mean even when I made the statement about our mother not having the willpower to stick to a diet and exercises plan so that she can loose weight she said..."She has four reasons why she doesn't want to work out". She was talking a bout us, her kids. That was after I had said she works long hours so I understand it's hard. Its kind of scary. I mean if she thinks that our mother having kids has been such a detriment to her life, well then how must she feel about herself. Not very good eh. I told her that no, its not her having kids, she just has to muster up the extra strength to do it and being tired after work isn't really a reason its and excuse. She could do it if she really wanted to.

I guess I just have a more optimistic view on life than she does. She truly is a pessimist.

So the conversation ended up with her hanging up on me. She had said earlier that my opinion was wrong.

I feel better now after talking to my mom. She does that to her and my brother a lot so it's nothing to worry about. I guess from now on I'll just let it go. The only thing is I don't like to be told that I'm wrong either. LOL

So next time I see her getting like that I won't take offense. I have no problem debating with her, It's kinda fun to me too. But I have to remember that she is kind of insecure. Maybe that's where the passion comes from. I really don't know. At the same time though I am her sister, so like my ma said I have to tell her about herself. I wonder if she does it to other people though.

If she was trying to tell me that I was close minded, which I am not, I will keep in mind though that there are other possibilities. That is a good thing to keep in the back of your head when considering any situations. But I do think we should have our own morals and standards that we stick to. You can't be too open minded in other words, or else you get your self into trouble. And that's the moral of the story.


Good night world