UPDATE

Well, I did exactly what I didn't want to do. I did not keep up with the blogging. But it's ok I'm going to try.

So what has happened to me since my last time blogging. Well. A lot I guess. But the most important things...

1) I'm doing well in school. Actually getting A's on the exams and usually 8, 9, or 10 / 10 on the quizzes.
I would have to say that I sort of surprised myself. I mean I'm putting in a lot of time studying, but I don't really feel like I'm killing myself or really working my ass off either. Maybe I should try that just to see what happens.

2) I have not gotten a student loan yet, so this has resulted in multiple threats of eviction form my landlord, plenty of other bills going into default and probably ending up on my credit report. This really worries me. Part of me is really afraid this may hinder me in getting a loan once I get to the island, but part of me is saying, this is what God really wants for me and it will all work out.

3) There's Mr. E and there's me. Oh boy. So we've been seeing each other pretty much every weekend since I got to MIA without fail.
Amazing. But it's not a "relationship" we're just friends. I do enjoy his company, and the sex...sometimes. But part of me feels like, it's an addiction or something and I couldn't stop if I tried. But I don't want to try, for fear of loosing him, for fear of being completely alone, for fear of having no one to give me attention. And part of me wants to end it just because I feel like I deserve more, than just to be someone's fuck buddy. But then I also think that it's almost the perfect relationship for my situation right now. I really don't need to be too attached to someone (or the obsession that usually goes along with that) because I need to focus on school. And he pretty much doesn't come around on the week days so thats a plus also. More time to study and less time for me to give in to my weakness.
But the jealousy is still there. I think he may have someone else. But really does it matter. We have not set up a monogamous relationship (although i did ask him to tell me if he started screwing someone else). But I get jealous anyway and nosy. But really now that I think about it, it doesn't matter. My MAIN concern is disease. Those things do go around, although we do always use protection I just think that...condoms can't block everything. But whatever, what we are doing is wrong in so many ways so really so what if he has someone else on the side. I havn't asked him not to and he hasn't told me he wouldn't. Better keep it that way until I leave. Then I can be free of this whole thing. Men

4) Then there'es Mr. S and me. The Ex. Yea so we still talk on the phone. He really is the most perplexing person I've ever known. He lies like its breathing air. And doesn't think twice about it. And I know he's lying and he probably knows I know he's lying but he continues anyway. He sent me money to pay my light and phone bill which I appreciate. But then...he doesn't call me for days, even weeks at a time. Uh ok? And I call and pretend to be pissed about it, I mean. I don't really get as upset about it as I tell him I am, I think truly I just don't like the lack of attention, but it doesn't really bother me that much. I just want him to keep the money coming, and be there in the future in case I need any other favors. We usually argue when we talk. Last week I had several sessions of calling him non stop and filling up his voice mail until he either answered or I just got tired of doing it. He didn't get upset about that, he was just upset about the fact that I was upset about him not calling me after he had just paid so much money for my phone bill. Strange. I guess we are two strange people, that's probably why I stayed with him so long, because I knew he didn't care about my strangeness.

But anyway. I don't know if he really thinks that we are in a relationship or even really wants to have one with me. But I know I would never be with him again. No way. He's I liar and I can never believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And I know for sure that is something I do not want. EVER AGAIN. Being with him has given me an overall mistrust of people, esp men. I hope this won't be too much of a problem for me in the future.

6) My sweet baby died. My little doggy. But it was my fault really. I was out of control once again and this time...well thats what happened. I was sad for a while. I sort of miss him. Or do things as if he was still here. But i don't think about it too much so it doesn't affect me. it's just weird him not being here.

7) New people at school & my wonderful anti social skills which, are hardly improving at all. Yes I've sort of friendlied up to the two ladies sitting on either side of me at school. One of them is older (38) and the other is younger. And I think I have a girl crush on one of them. i don't know I try to ignore those feelings, but I keep having weird dreams. And the other is really, starting to annoy me. Well atleast when we are at school, and I usually don't let people get to me like that.

She always falls asleep in class, for whatever reason...she was up studying too late, fell asleep on the couch last night, went to bed and woke up several times in the night, I really could care less. But then she wakes up in class and complains about it, and talks about how this teacher is monotonous or whatever, blah blah blah. Then asks to copy my notes. I mean why should I care about her copying my notes? I shouldn't right? I have to take notes anyway. It's just that ughhh...she wants to copy them because she was sleeping in class, not because she was sick, or absent or whatever. I was in class, she was in class, but for whatever reason she can't keep her self awake. I'm up late sometimes too, but I never fall asleep in class, I'm usually too into the lecture for that to happen. But I can tell she's smart. Maybe its some kind of act she's putting on. For attention as well maybe??? Who knows people are all wierd.

And about the girl crush thing. Ok every once in a while. Not even just girls it can be a guy too. I will just get these weird feelings about a person. Like I really like them, there personality, the whole diminor, and just the way they are. And sometimes I wish I could get to know them better. And then I get other weird, not really sexual but sort of have thought like that about the person. Just thoughts of being really close to them. But it really freaks me out, if that person happens to be a female. I have had this happen with another friend of mine, a very good friend. And nothing ever comes out of it because I usually don't pursue it. And as a matter of fact, as I'm getting older and I start to get into these little phases of obsession with people (Just as I did with Mr. E) I just learn to try and not thing about them, or ignore the feelings that I have.

This seems kind of bad I know, why should I ignore my own feelings. I don't know. I think right now I just need to be focused. And a lot of times it ends up becoming unhealthy for me, when I can't sleep b/c of it or I waste tons of time just thinking about the person, hoping they will call whatever. With my Ex was the worst. I did a lot of crazy things over him, but that's another story for another day.

8) I had a birthday. I'm 25. Hard to believe. just thinking about being that many years old does not seem real. But I am. If I could assess myself, and judge if the me of 25 is much different from the me of years passed I would have to say yes. I have made some improvements. Not all of the improvements I have hoped, but honestly I only just actually made a conscious decision to work on myself about a year ago. And I'm not where I want to be yet but overall I'd say I'm improving. But all of this takes time. i still have about 3-4 years of medical school left. By the time I'm do ne hopefully I'll be much better. But I mean, there are always improvements to be made, I'm sure I'll be saying that until I'm an old lady. But atleast at somepoint I would like to say I'm completely happy with who I am. No doubt, I like myself but...I don't know. BLAH BLAH BLAH

Ok blackwomanmd when u read this in 10 years hopefull u will have a laugh

Anyway,
I guess thats the most major things I can think of for now. Atleast that are affecting me without having to use real names of friends. PLUS i am supposed to be studying Microbiology right now, but I have a pure and wonderful talent for procrastination. It's too bad I can't make a career out of that skill.