Today is Mr E's birthday. So I'm going to call him now and wish him a happy one. It's about 7 am his time so he should be on his way to work. I called him last night around 11pm his time. No answer. I'm sure he was "playing soccer". I have this deep gut feeling that he is really doing something else at times when he tells me he's going to play soccer. I just don't believe him. How can someone who plays soccer 5 times a week, still be complaining of getting fat? This is possible if he is eating huge amounts of food but who knows. What do I care anyway?
I call.
E:Hello
Me: Hi
E: You're up early
Me: I'm always up early
E: sound's like you were partying hard last night
Me: Yea right that's the last thing I would be doing right now
[he couldn't hear me so I repeated this]
Me: Anyway Happy Birthday!
E: Oh you remembered
Me: Um yea I remembered didn't you get my text last night [I texted him happy birthday before I went to sleep]
E: Yea I got your text this morning when I woke up but I figured you would be sleeping so I just...
Me: Mmm
E: Hey give me a minute let me change and call you back
Weird convo. How about thanks for the happy birthday or something. maybe he's not too happy that it's his birthday or maybe he's just an asshole now since I told him he couldn't "give me the vitamin anymore". We'll see. It really annoyed me when he said sounds like I was partying hard. Does he know how stressed out I am about trying to make an A on this final [by the way, I've given up on the A I will settle for a B]. YES but he would make an insensitive comment like that. Maybe he was being sarcastic. I think he was the one partying hard so that was some kind of projection thing onto me. Whatever, I'll see what happens when he calls back. Now time for breakfast.
-----9:30
No call back. Breakfast: oatmeal w/ honey raisins & vanilla, powdered milk no ants. Instant coffee and water. Studied a little biochemistry, the ETC and ROS. Now the coffee is kicking in and energy is expanding inside of me threatening to make me explode if I don't release it somehow. I wish I could go for a run but these old knees won't hold up and the roads are rocky and tortuous. The last thing I need is another injury. Maybe I'll just do some sit ups, push ups, p90x? Yea P90x sounds like a good idea. Ok one more hour of studying and I'll do that.
Random thought: I hate shooting on the far end of the basketball court. The ball always rolls away from you after you a hit a shot because the court is so damn uneven. My gosh, you can feel the baby hills under your feet when you walk across it. They really should have done a better job...people are going to continue to get injured on that messy thing. I think that may have been part of what happened to me. I'm expecting to suffer from arthritis probably in my knees and fingers when I get older. better go take some glucosamine now.
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The rest of the day I hardly got any studying done. I'm so ready to be through with these finals. I played my guitar and blogged for many hours of the day, perused facebook for unknown quantities of time, and topped off my escapade of procrastination by watching Dexter and Californication. They killed Rita-totally unexpected. I wonder if they will keep her on the show as a ghost or something next season. I can't wait to see what happens. I was so angry they ended it that way but they usually do leave you with your jaw hanging open. I also made a video for Mr E's birthday. As of 12am his time he hadn't watched it yet. I have a feeling yesterday wasn't a good day for him. But I also have this feeling that he was up to something. Me and my always suspicious self...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
What I read today
Michelle Obama watches TV and plays with her dog. It's a guilty pleasure
First openly gay assembly spokes person in california-John Perez
2 democrats in senate want to stop prescription mining by pharaceutical companies
female circumcision banned in uganda. It's nt like the male form of just removing the precipice, they remove the whole clit. that's just effed up
-south african officials were giving out forged passports to pakistanis
-so tiger woods is a total player a cheat a dog. the article basically said he should have been more careful, nothing about it being wrong to cheat on your wife. and apparently wealthy men cheat more. why why why? guess i will have to settle for a mechanic afterall
First openly gay assembly spokes person in california-John Perez
2 democrats in senate want to stop prescription mining by pharaceutical companies
female circumcision banned in uganda. It's nt like the male form of just removing the precipice, they remove the whole clit. that's just effed up
-south african officials were giving out forged passports to pakistanis
-so tiger woods is a total player a cheat a dog. the article basically said he should have been more careful, nothing about it being wrong to cheat on your wife. and apparently wealthy men cheat more. why why why? guess i will have to settle for a mechanic afterall
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Memories of Mommy
Sitting here waiting for some tutees to show up. It's 3:07pm tutoring started at 3:00pm; no one's coming. But that's ok because I prayed for it. I need to be studying for my own exam. While I was sitting here I was thinking about my Mommy. She called me this afternoon on her way home from church and she asked me had I gone to church with one of my friends that I told her about. I told her no. While I was sitting here however, I thought how random that she would ask me that, but not really because today is Sunday so of course she would wonder if I had gone to church. Then I started thinking about my dear Mommy. She must be the one person who cares about me the most in the world. I can't say that she knows me best. No one really knows me. What a lonely feeling, but that isn't the point. The point is we spent 18 long years together. Living in the same house, seeing each other practically every day and now I'm so far away from here literally and figuratively. Where we ever close though? Maybe, I remember I would tell her certain things which were kind of private. Maybe those things which I wouldn't want to tell my mother because I knew it would disappoint her because she raised me better.
Memories of Mommy:
-I remember one she told me I was attractive.
-I remember once she called me a heffer. I guess it was hurtful but it was more suprising because she never used that kind of language. Now I know she didn't mean it she was just angry.
-I remember once I told her about a boy at summer camp who I had kissed but he went around telling every one that we...I can't remember if he said sex or just something that was equally as horrible for a middle school girl to have everyone thinking she did with a boy.
-I remember when Sean sliced my pinky open with my pocket knife I called her on my way to the emergency room crying like a big baby. She came right away. She lectured both me and him afterwards. She told us this is what happens when you do things, basically you aren't supposed to do and you try to force people to do things they don't want to do. This was when I was hmm must have been 24 or so. It was the time when I was still shadowing Dr. Mor.
-I remember I had to beg her to take guitar lessions when I was in middle school. After much persistance she finally signed me up. Then I started piano lessons. For some reason after that she made my brother and sister start lessons although they weren't exactly enthusiastic about it. Now I can read music, still play my guitar and know a couple of songs on piano. My brother quit his lessons as did my sister. But now my brother is pretty good at playing piano, he taught himself from youtube.
-I remember when she and my aunt went out to a garage sale and surprised me with my first electric guitar and amp. I still have that guitar and it's the only amp I own.
-I remember when she used to comb my hair and make me turn around to get the back with my face in her crotch. I could smell the way her sweat smelled "down there"
-I remember when it used to hurt while she combed my hair she would say beauty knows no pain
-I remember how she can't swim so she would always stay in the shallow end of the pool. She made all of us taking swimming lessons and then tried to get us to teach her to swim. She still can't swim.
-I remember how she sat down at the piano and learned the song "Sometimes the rain comes down in June" or whatever by Vanessa Williams. I don't know if she ever took piano lessons but she must have. I believe she was reading sheet music.
-I remember the way she cried out in utter despair when my brother was having seizure.
-I remember how upset she got when I told her my half sister was coming to school at the same school I went to. She was upset because my (bio) dad was spending alot of money to send her there while practically neglecting my brother and sister. I remember she told me she didn't want to meet her. She got over it and admitted the she had to "vent" and actually met her not too long ago. That was this year.
-I remember the trips she would take us on when we were kids. I must have been in 5th grade or so. Maybe younger or older. At the time we were just kids sitting in the car enjoying the ride. Our road trips. She drove us from St. Pete to Louisiana to Georgia, to St. Augustine, to Orlando and back home. Just her driving alone with 3 young kids in the car. How she did it? I don't know but I'm glad she did.
-I remember she would take us to dollar movies and we would go buy our own candy from Albertson's before to take into the movie.
-I remember calling out her name from my bunk bed when we lived in New Jersey. I must have been 4 or 5 then. When I was supposed to be asleep I would call and call Mooommmmyyyy. She just ignored me.
-I remember when she (and (step) dad) asked me if J. had ever "touched me" I told them yes and where and how he made us sit on his lap. They told me he was sick man because of the war and that's why he did it. I still wonder to this day if they believed us but they must have for them to respond the way he did. We have never spoken of it since then. This is when I was in highschool
-I remember how disappointed my Mommy was when I told her about how bad my grades were in college.
-I remember how excited she got when I told her I got straight A's last semester. And how excited she gets when I tell her I'm still getting some A's and how scared she sounds when I tell her "I don't think I did too well"
-I remember the joke she made when I told her that I could have a baby now and she could keep it for me until I get done with med school. She said I can hardly take care of your little sister now. Do you want the kid to be normal? LOLing
Well I'm sure I have more memories of Mommy. I'm just thinking about what and important and special relationship the one with your mother is. It's like none other. It shapes who you are and how you deal with the world. Mommy is the one person I know will always be there no matter what I do. She isn't perfect but she only wants the best for us. What an amazing thing to be a mother to make kids and then raise them and watch them grow up and become their own. She didn't have a good relationship with her own mother so I'm suprised she did such a good job with us. She came from a different time and place. I guess we only progress and get better. Maybe. Looking at her brother's and sisters though. They are sooo different. I mean if it weren't for the fact that they looked alike you wouldn't believe they were related and actually had so much of a shared environment growing up. I mean acutally now that I tihnk about it. The ones who grew up with her grandmother (my great grandmother) came out some what better. AH I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out. They weren't all bad. I mean my family isn't that bad. They are average. Some are doing better than others. I guess there are a few bad seeds here and there not doing what they are supposed to do. That comes from the environment they grew up in + parenting. Some of them have seen the light and are trying to do better. Some seemed like they were on the way to being good but then made some mistakes and I don't know where that is going to lead them.
Ok enough. It's 3:37pm, no tutees have shown up, and I'm leaving . I knew no one was coming.
Memories of Mommy:
-I remember one she told me I was attractive.
-I remember once she called me a heffer. I guess it was hurtful but it was more suprising because she never used that kind of language. Now I know she didn't mean it she was just angry.
-I remember once I told her about a boy at summer camp who I had kissed but he went around telling every one that we...I can't remember if he said sex or just something that was equally as horrible for a middle school girl to have everyone thinking she did with a boy.
-I remember when Sean sliced my pinky open with my pocket knife I called her on my way to the emergency room crying like a big baby. She came right away. She lectured both me and him afterwards. She told us this is what happens when you do things, basically you aren't supposed to do and you try to force people to do things they don't want to do. This was when I was hmm must have been 24 or so. It was the time when I was still shadowing Dr. Mor.
-I remember I had to beg her to take guitar lessions when I was in middle school. After much persistance she finally signed me up. Then I started piano lessons. For some reason after that she made my brother and sister start lessons although they weren't exactly enthusiastic about it. Now I can read music, still play my guitar and know a couple of songs on piano. My brother quit his lessons as did my sister. But now my brother is pretty good at playing piano, he taught himself from youtube.
-I remember when she and my aunt went out to a garage sale and surprised me with my first electric guitar and amp. I still have that guitar and it's the only amp I own.
-I remember when she used to comb my hair and make me turn around to get the back with my face in her crotch. I could smell the way her sweat smelled "down there"
-I remember when it used to hurt while she combed my hair she would say beauty knows no pain
-I remember how she can't swim so she would always stay in the shallow end of the pool. She made all of us taking swimming lessons and then tried to get us to teach her to swim. She still can't swim.
-I remember how she sat down at the piano and learned the song "Sometimes the rain comes down in June" or whatever by Vanessa Williams. I don't know if she ever took piano lessons but she must have. I believe she was reading sheet music.
-I remember the way she cried out in utter despair when my brother was having seizure.
-I remember how upset she got when I told her my half sister was coming to school at the same school I went to. She was upset because my (bio) dad was spending alot of money to send her there while practically neglecting my brother and sister. I remember she told me she didn't want to meet her. She got over it and admitted the she had to "vent" and actually met her not too long ago. That was this year.
-I remember the trips she would take us on when we were kids. I must have been in 5th grade or so. Maybe younger or older. At the time we were just kids sitting in the car enjoying the ride. Our road trips. She drove us from St. Pete to Louisiana to Georgia, to St. Augustine, to Orlando and back home. Just her driving alone with 3 young kids in the car. How she did it? I don't know but I'm glad she did.
-I remember she would take us to dollar movies and we would go buy our own candy from Albertson's before to take into the movie.
-I remember calling out her name from my bunk bed when we lived in New Jersey. I must have been 4 or 5 then. When I was supposed to be asleep I would call and call Mooommmmyyyy. She just ignored me.
-I remember when she (and (step) dad) asked me if J. had ever "touched me" I told them yes and where and how he made us sit on his lap. They told me he was sick man because of the war and that's why he did it. I still wonder to this day if they believed us but they must have for them to respond the way he did. We have never spoken of it since then. This is when I was in highschool
-I remember how disappointed my Mommy was when I told her about how bad my grades were in college.
-I remember how excited she got when I told her I got straight A's last semester. And how excited she gets when I tell her I'm still getting some A's and how scared she sounds when I tell her "I don't think I did too well"
-I remember the joke she made when I told her that I could have a baby now and she could keep it for me until I get done with med school. She said I can hardly take care of your little sister now. Do you want the kid to be normal? LOLing
Well I'm sure I have more memories of Mommy. I'm just thinking about what and important and special relationship the one with your mother is. It's like none other. It shapes who you are and how you deal with the world. Mommy is the one person I know will always be there no matter what I do. She isn't perfect but she only wants the best for us. What an amazing thing to be a mother to make kids and then raise them and watch them grow up and become their own. She didn't have a good relationship with her own mother so I'm suprised she did such a good job with us. She came from a different time and place. I guess we only progress and get better. Maybe. Looking at her brother's and sisters though. They are sooo different. I mean if it weren't for the fact that they looked alike you wouldn't believe they were related and actually had so much of a shared environment growing up. I mean acutally now that I tihnk about it. The ones who grew up with her grandmother (my great grandmother) came out some what better. AH I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out. They weren't all bad. I mean my family isn't that bad. They are average. Some are doing better than others. I guess there are a few bad seeds here and there not doing what they are supposed to do. That comes from the environment they grew up in + parenting. Some of them have seen the light and are trying to do better. Some seemed like they were on the way to being good but then made some mistakes and I don't know where that is going to lead them.
Ok enough. It's 3:37pm, no tutees have shown up, and I'm leaving . I knew no one was coming.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Today's Day
Wake up.hit snooze. write down dream. sleep. wake up again. Write down my dreams. Roll over open up the laptop on the chair. Don't know what I'm looking for. Oh yea, Family Guy 60% Weeds 75 %. Internet wasn't working over night, damn. Mr. E calls. "Hello". Conversation consisting of how was your days? Lots of silence, lots of I can't hear you's and what did you says? Then have a good day. You too. Meanwhile I'm writing another dream I remembered and checking OKcupid. Checking out females all over the US. There are some really awesome people out there with their own quirky personalities. Inspiring me not to change my own to please anyone else. Just be me. I'll find someone I like and someone who likes me for me. Too bad none of these awesome people live anywhere near me. This is why I need to move travel visit other places. Now thinking about today. Anatomy practical this afternoon. I want pankcakes. Pancakes then study down to the last minute. Want to visit Dr. Caz** but apparently she is sick. More later.
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Sunday, November 15, 2009
Abortion?
Do I think that the government should fund abortions as an inclusion to the new health care reform?
Right off the bat without giving it much thought I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because I don't believe in abortion. But that statement isn't entirely true. I don't believe in abortion or rather think it's right in the same sense that I don't believe murder is right. Now to say that I don't believe murder is right is probably not true either. I would have to look at the reasons behind said murder. What motive did the person have in mind when they decided to take another human life. The same goes when I think of abortion.
I believe that if someone has the means to take care of the child to be born they should not have an abortion. Yes some people may struggle, and yes the child may have a hard life. But there are people born every day into this world living in similar situations. Do those people not deserve to be born because the life ahead of them would be difficult. Maybe we should go to those people, perhaps the ones who have been placed in foster care or suffered abuse throughout their lifetime because their mother's chose not to abort. If we asked them would they rather have never been born? What would they say. I imagine some would say yes. But I imagine the majority would say no. What about those that grow up to commit crimes themselves because of the harsh environment they were raised in. Should they have been killed before they even got the chance to think about committing evil acts?
These questions are too complex, too deep for anyone to come up with the answer to. But at the same time we come up with answers to these questions all the time. To kill someone is not illegal. We can kill someone in self defense and possibly never spend one second in a prison cell. So maybe abortion is a form of self defense. Defending the child by taking it's own life. Or defending the world by preventing a psychopathic murderer from being born? No one knows how the life of that child will turn out or what good can be done by allowing the child the chance to live. Maybe we just killed the cure for cancer.
So do I think the government should fund abortion in their government funded insurance plans. No. They never have before and I don't understand why people are getting all into an uproar about it like they are taking something away from them. Women can still have abortions. The government funded insurance plans won't pay for it. And really, how often do you need to have an abortion. It's not like they aren't going to cover your yearly physicals. This might be ignorant thinking on my part but who sits around thinking, hmmm, I might need to have an abortion this year. Now yes people do get pregnant and the pregnancy can turn out to be detrimental to both the woman and the fetus' life. If an abortion is not performed then both would die. So if a person is in that situation I would say that yes this might provide a serious problem for a person who can't afford to pay out of pocket for an abortion, thus leaving them in the same financial type of sink hole that this government funded health insurance plan is trying to prevent. So maybe I jumped the gun a little by saying NO right of the bat. Maybe the government should set limits on the abortions they will fund. It would have to be medically necessary to save the person's life if the abortion would be funded. Not an abortion of pure choice. By analogy I'm sure the government isn't going to be funding elective plastic surgery procedures.Otherwise, do I think it's a person's right to chose. Yes. Do I think there should be limits on what constitutes a legitimate reason for having an abortion, yes. I would never say that abortion should not be allowed because I never know when I or an person close to me will be in the situation where they feel that's the only choice they can make.
One more thing to think about, I have known people who have spoken about the fact that they've had abortions. Actually only two people. Both of them decided on the abortion, not because they truly wouldn't have been able to take care of the child, but because it would have been difficult for them. It would have been stressful and probably changed their lives forever in a direction they were not planning for. Deep down, and I know it's not my right to judge, I don't think those were good "legitimate" reasons for having an abortion. But I know if I had been placed in the same situation, knowing my family, and for me it would have been more of the social aspect that would be my main concern, what would people think of me, and reason for choosing an abortion. Now I can't say for sure that was the reason for those two ladies but really is that what it comes down to a lot of times? I don't think that is fair to the child. So now I have a new found respect for those people who, yes they made mistakes, they were probably careless and irresponsible, but they chose to own up and do the right think. They probably stood up for their beliefs when it would have been so easy to shell out 400 bucks or so and get rid of the problem and the shame forever. And that is probably not true because they will be living with that themselves forever, even if no one else knows. Even if they can continue their carefree lifestyle without having to change. I by no means do I think that every person who chooses to have an abortion has the same mindset.
That was my brain exercise for today. Maybe my opinion will change in a few years. As a doctor would I ever perform an abortion? I won't say no to that either. It would depend on the situation.
Right off the bat without giving it much thought I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because I don't believe in abortion. But that statement isn't entirely true. I don't believe in abortion or rather think it's right in the same sense that I don't believe murder is right. Now to say that I don't believe murder is right is probably not true either. I would have to look at the reasons behind said murder. What motive did the person have in mind when they decided to take another human life. The same goes when I think of abortion.
I believe that if someone has the means to take care of the child to be born they should not have an abortion. Yes some people may struggle, and yes the child may have a hard life. But there are people born every day into this world living in similar situations. Do those people not deserve to be born because the life ahead of them would be difficult. Maybe we should go to those people, perhaps the ones who have been placed in foster care or suffered abuse throughout their lifetime because their mother's chose not to abort. If we asked them would they rather have never been born? What would they say. I imagine some would say yes. But I imagine the majority would say no. What about those that grow up to commit crimes themselves because of the harsh environment they were raised in. Should they have been killed before they even got the chance to think about committing evil acts?
These questions are too complex, too deep for anyone to come up with the answer to. But at the same time we come up with answers to these questions all the time. To kill someone is not illegal. We can kill someone in self defense and possibly never spend one second in a prison cell. So maybe abortion is a form of self defense. Defending the child by taking it's own life. Or defending the world by preventing a psychopathic murderer from being born? No one knows how the life of that child will turn out or what good can be done by allowing the child the chance to live. Maybe we just killed the cure for cancer.
So do I think the government should fund abortion in their government funded insurance plans. No. They never have before and I don't understand why people are getting all into an uproar about it like they are taking something away from them. Women can still have abortions. The government funded insurance plans won't pay for it. And really, how often do you need to have an abortion. It's not like they aren't going to cover your yearly physicals. This might be ignorant thinking on my part but who sits around thinking, hmmm, I might need to have an abortion this year. Now yes people do get pregnant and the pregnancy can turn out to be detrimental to both the woman and the fetus' life. If an abortion is not performed then both would die. So if a person is in that situation I would say that yes this might provide a serious problem for a person who can't afford to pay out of pocket for an abortion, thus leaving them in the same financial type of sink hole that this government funded health insurance plan is trying to prevent. So maybe I jumped the gun a little by saying NO right of the bat. Maybe the government should set limits on the abortions they will fund. It would have to be medically necessary to save the person's life if the abortion would be funded. Not an abortion of pure choice. By analogy I'm sure the government isn't going to be funding elective plastic surgery procedures.Otherwise, do I think it's a person's right to chose. Yes. Do I think there should be limits on what constitutes a legitimate reason for having an abortion, yes. I would never say that abortion should not be allowed because I never know when I or an person close to me will be in the situation where they feel that's the only choice they can make.
One more thing to think about, I have known people who have spoken about the fact that they've had abortions. Actually only two people. Both of them decided on the abortion, not because they truly wouldn't have been able to take care of the child, but because it would have been difficult for them. It would have been stressful and probably changed their lives forever in a direction they were not planning for. Deep down, and I know it's not my right to judge, I don't think those were good "legitimate" reasons for having an abortion. But I know if I had been placed in the same situation, knowing my family, and for me it would have been more of the social aspect that would be my main concern, what would people think of me, and reason for choosing an abortion. Now I can't say for sure that was the reason for those two ladies but really is that what it comes down to a lot of times? I don't think that is fair to the child. So now I have a new found respect for those people who, yes they made mistakes, they were probably careless and irresponsible, but they chose to own up and do the right think. They probably stood up for their beliefs when it would have been so easy to shell out 400 bucks or so and get rid of the problem and the shame forever. And that is probably not true because they will be living with that themselves forever, even if no one else knows. Even if they can continue their carefree lifestyle without having to change. I by no means do I think that every person who chooses to have an abortion has the same mindset.
That was my brain exercise for today. Maybe my opinion will change in a few years. As a doctor would I ever perform an abortion? I won't say no to that either. It would depend on the situation.
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Beach
So I discovered that there is actually a very very beautiful beach in Dominica. I can't believe I didn't know it was there before. And there I was telling everyone how nasty the beaches were here, with their black rocks for sand and murky waters. I'm sorry Dominica for slandering you.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
Learned to care
I was just thinking how much a think about what others think of me. And that lead to the notion that almost everything I do is because of another peroson, although I like to tell myself that's not true. If a really break down and get real with myself, I've lost myself. Not completly but so much of my individuality is inhibited. I long to break free. To experience life and all it has to offer. Do the best experiences always have to involve other people. Or can it be nature, events, music. No matter what, at some point life is so much about connections with other humans.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Lady Crush
Gina Gershon. My new lady crush. So I've been watching tv every night to get me to fall asleep without having a thousand other thoughts running through my mind. One night the 1996 movie Bound comes on HBO/Showtime or whatever movie channel, and costarring in it with Jennifer Tilly is Gina Gershon. She is incredibly hot in this movie, for whatever reason, maybe it was that crazy mouth and her sideways smile or her body structure and her dykie gait. Probably a combination of all of those features. Since then I've been trying to get my eyes on any movie of hers that I possibly can. I've watched a few so far; Palmetto, Prey for Rock and Roll, Cocktail (I couldn't watch the whole thing, just skimmed through her scenes), and Borderline. She's been in a alot other movies and television shows, not very many major roles, but she's a pretty decent actress. I liker her. I had also seen her in a movie a while back, not realizing it then, the one with Jessie from Saved by the Bell -I forgot the name of it-but my lady crush hadn't come out then, only after Bound. Unfortunatly she isn't as hot in her more recent movies (except Prey) probably because she's gettin older and it seems to me she may have had some work done on her face which just makes her look wierd. But OH Gina! Bound is definetly my favorite I think I've watched it like 3 or 4 times already. Sick, I know, but that's me what can I say.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Semester Dos & The Break
So I'm back. Back in Dom, on the rock , in the jungle. Here to stay, thank the Lord, for another 4 months. Then it seems it will be another crap shoot. Wow I can't believe I haven't blogged since July. That's a whole month.
I went home for the break, funds provided by my wonderful & loving biological father (of 7, yes 7, I found that out also over the break when I visited my half sister who is now attending my almamater). Stayed over in PR in some hot humid mustay assed hotel called the Coqui Inn. Interesting. And got home. My people where over an hour late coming to get me but that's to be expected. But damn it was nice to be back in "civilization". I'm not trying to talk down on Dominica or the people here but there are certain things that I have grown accustomed to and grown to appreciate in my life that this tiny Island just does not provide. So that Saturday we get there go to my Bro & sis school to pick them up and we eat dinner there. Then we go to my auntie's house because she has a cake for me and pizza and it's like a little welcoem back get together. Just us. And then things get...strange.
Someone there stands up and says, Hey I've been having a problem for a while and I want to talk to you about it. And what's going through my head...maybe he's on drugs, or he spent all his money in the stock market or maybe he got some girl pregnant. These are the normal things you would expect right? Nope it turns out he's been having a problem distinguishing what's real and what is not. So I'm still thinking it's drugs. Long story short...he starts saying a lot of wierd things that don't make any sense such as he thinks he is God & the Devil. It turns out he's had a psychotic break. An actual Psychotic break. We don't find this out until Monday when he has to be Baker acted at the hospital. It was a long hectic few days. And I'm sure worse for him because he was there almost 2 weeks. But that is for another blog another day.
So that was the most of the break. I still couldn't drive so I didn't get to visit with my friends as much as I wanted. I messed up my knee again playing ball. Sis lent me a lot of money, which I have payed her back. But we got into some arguements. And I'm still pretty pissed at her now, but not about that. Hmmm anyway my major consern besides the health issue that I spoke of earlier was getting to come back for second semester. NJ kept telling me I would have to pay the entire 13,336 some odd dollars before I could come down, although before they said I would have to pay atleast half. So I'm email hounding the crap out of my bio Dad and he sends me 7 grand. Of course the transfer doesn't arrive until Tuesday after I get back down here, which was on Monday. So I go into check in on Tuesday, the Bursar pulls up my account and tells me I'll have to pay 25% of what I owe before I can start classes. That's a big drop down from 100%. These people are just assholes. So I pay around $3400 and I'm good to go. I'll just have to make more payments from the rest of the 7thousand and my refund check which I haven't got yet.
A few days ago I got an e-mail from Sallie Mae saying that my graduate plus loan for spring is NOT APPROVED. So it seems just when things where looking up, the sagga continues. Like my Mommy told be over the break, life is a series of storms. You are either just getting out of one or about to go into another one. And it seems my next storm is ready & waiting.
Ah my poor Mom. I know she wanted to break down during this whole thing. But she was strong and stood fast and everything turned out somewhat ok for now.
Since I've been back, oh I got straight A's by the way, 4.0 thank you very much. Nique and I had a break at the end of the semester. He tried to feel my up while I was asleep in his bed so I left and told him I was upset about it. Neway we didn't really talk after that. But when I got back I decided to talk to him again. But I can tell I've been getting on his nerves lately. Partially on purpose, partially just being my crazy old selfe. And I think he's loosing his "interest" in me. This cat had the audacity to tell me he had some chick come visit him over the break and they hooked up. HAHA. but he actually thinks I would get with him. I noticed he is most persistant when he is drunk or online. Never sober while in person. Interesting. He's not serious. Sometimes I wish I were a man so I could do these things and have no conscience about them.
Oh and I saw Mr. E on my flight back I stopped over in MIA for about 6 hours. He was an hour late on pickign me up. We didn't have sex as I told him we wouldn't. I believe he did something with someone on his trip to Jamaica. And I'm pretty sure he's been doing something with someone in MIA. But se la vi. I sent him a harddrive from best buy that he scolded me for but immediatly installed when he picked it up then failed to call me back until the next morning only after I bitched at him for not calling me or texting me back the night before. Which may have cost me my relationship with my sis. It probably hasn't it just depends on whether or not I decide to start talking to her like normal again. Gosh I'm so sick of people all of them. I know humans are not perfect but shoot. Sometimes I would rather just be alone. Which I could be very easily. It just sucks because I know I'm gonna need them someday for something so. I'll have to deal. I'm just tired of trying to be something I'm not. I also feel like people are so shallow. That our relationships are so shallow. Or maybe it's just mine.
I feel like I really don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I do, but I feel like the old me is no longer me anymore. I am no longer that playful humorous imaginitive kid who could think outside of the box. But I'm still not the mature all knowing woman I want to be. I'm just something in the middle which seems not to satisfactory for anyone including myself. I need to spend more time exploring life rather than wondering what other people think of me all the time. It get's annoying. And I also need to spend more time studying if I want to pull off the good grades I did last semester. So time to say adios to all my fictional readers out there. I will be back another day to satisfy your thirst for more stories from my boring life.
I went home for the break, funds provided by my wonderful & loving biological father (of 7, yes 7, I found that out also over the break when I visited my half sister who is now attending my almamater). Stayed over in PR in some hot humid mustay assed hotel called the Coqui Inn. Interesting. And got home. My people where over an hour late coming to get me but that's to be expected. But damn it was nice to be back in "civilization". I'm not trying to talk down on Dominica or the people here but there are certain things that I have grown accustomed to and grown to appreciate in my life that this tiny Island just does not provide. So that Saturday we get there go to my Bro & sis school to pick them up and we eat dinner there. Then we go to my auntie's house because she has a cake for me and pizza and it's like a little welcoem back get together. Just us. And then things get...strange.
Someone there stands up and says, Hey I've been having a problem for a while and I want to talk to you about it. And what's going through my head...maybe he's on drugs, or he spent all his money in the stock market or maybe he got some girl pregnant. These are the normal things you would expect right? Nope it turns out he's been having a problem distinguishing what's real and what is not. So I'm still thinking it's drugs. Long story short...he starts saying a lot of wierd things that don't make any sense such as he thinks he is God & the Devil. It turns out he's had a psychotic break. An actual Psychotic break. We don't find this out until Monday when he has to be Baker acted at the hospital. It was a long hectic few days. And I'm sure worse for him because he was there almost 2 weeks. But that is for another blog another day.
So that was the most of the break. I still couldn't drive so I didn't get to visit with my friends as much as I wanted. I messed up my knee again playing ball. Sis lent me a lot of money, which I have payed her back. But we got into some arguements. And I'm still pretty pissed at her now, but not about that. Hmmm anyway my major consern besides the health issue that I spoke of earlier was getting to come back for second semester. NJ kept telling me I would have to pay the entire 13,336 some odd dollars before I could come down, although before they said I would have to pay atleast half. So I'm email hounding the crap out of my bio Dad and he sends me 7 grand. Of course the transfer doesn't arrive until Tuesday after I get back down here, which was on Monday. So I go into check in on Tuesday, the Bursar pulls up my account and tells me I'll have to pay 25% of what I owe before I can start classes. That's a big drop down from 100%. These people are just assholes. So I pay around $3400 and I'm good to go. I'll just have to make more payments from the rest of the 7thousand and my refund check which I haven't got yet.
A few days ago I got an e-mail from Sallie Mae saying that my graduate plus loan for spring is NOT APPROVED. So it seems just when things where looking up, the sagga continues. Like my Mommy told be over the break, life is a series of storms. You are either just getting out of one or about to go into another one. And it seems my next storm is ready & waiting.
Ah my poor Mom. I know she wanted to break down during this whole thing. But she was strong and stood fast and everything turned out somewhat ok for now.
Since I've been back, oh I got straight A's by the way, 4.0 thank you very much. Nique and I had a break at the end of the semester. He tried to feel my up while I was asleep in his bed so I left and told him I was upset about it. Neway we didn't really talk after that. But when I got back I decided to talk to him again. But I can tell I've been getting on his nerves lately. Partially on purpose, partially just being my crazy old selfe. And I think he's loosing his "interest" in me. This cat had the audacity to tell me he had some chick come visit him over the break and they hooked up. HAHA. but he actually thinks I would get with him. I noticed he is most persistant when he is drunk or online. Never sober while in person. Interesting. He's not serious. Sometimes I wish I were a man so I could do these things and have no conscience about them.
Oh and I saw Mr. E on my flight back I stopped over in MIA for about 6 hours. He was an hour late on pickign me up. We didn't have sex as I told him we wouldn't. I believe he did something with someone on his trip to Jamaica. And I'm pretty sure he's been doing something with someone in MIA. But se la vi. I sent him a harddrive from best buy that he scolded me for but immediatly installed when he picked it up then failed to call me back until the next morning only after I bitched at him for not calling me or texting me back the night before. Which may have cost me my relationship with my sis. It probably hasn't it just depends on whether or not I decide to start talking to her like normal again. Gosh I'm so sick of people all of them. I know humans are not perfect but shoot. Sometimes I would rather just be alone. Which I could be very easily. It just sucks because I know I'm gonna need them someday for something so. I'll have to deal. I'm just tired of trying to be something I'm not. I also feel like people are so shallow. That our relationships are so shallow. Or maybe it's just mine.
I feel like I really don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I do, but I feel like the old me is no longer me anymore. I am no longer that playful humorous imaginitive kid who could think outside of the box. But I'm still not the mature all knowing woman I want to be. I'm just something in the middle which seems not to satisfactory for anyone including myself. I need to spend more time exploring life rather than wondering what other people think of me all the time. It get's annoying. And I also need to spend more time studying if I want to pull off the good grades I did last semester. So time to say adios to all my fictional readers out there. I will be back another day to satisfy your thirst for more stories from my boring life.
Cancer
Cancer cells are awesome. I aspire to be like one one day. Cancer cells say to hell with all these rules and regulations. Cancer cells say, hey I'm going to divide when I want to, I'm going to go where I want to, I'll even have as many chromosomes and nuclel as I want to and I don't care who I hurt on the way. Screw the cell cycle and all of it's check points I'm a rebel. As a matter of fact I don't care if I destroy the whole system that is supporting my existance. Hmmmm. Maybe I don't want to be a cancer cell. But they're still awesome.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Dominica the Beginning
Here I am, I've finally decided to post again. Why am I so bad at these things? Hmmm if I really think about it hard...probably because no one is making me do it. I have to make myself do it and making myself do things is not one of my strong points. But I am going to try, although I don't have much time these days. Well, I shouldn't have much time but as much time as I waste doing other things I'm not supposed to I might as well waste it updating my blog.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.
Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.
The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.
Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.
Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.
Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.
Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.
I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.
Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh
Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.
Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.
All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.
I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.
That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.
So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.
Monday, March 30, 2009
PREP PROGRAM OVER
Well this preparatory program has finally come to an end. In hindsight it seemed to go by so fast. But I’m glad that it did. Everything seemed to work out so wrong but so horribly well at the same time.
For example, I never got a private loan to pay for the program but the school still let me continue and has now set up a payment plan with me. So that meant I got what was most important, I got to finish the program and prove to the school that I am ready for medical school. But at the same time I still was able to scrape up enough money thanks to family my dad and income tax returns to pay my rent each month. However, I could not use my car or spend tons of money on extraneous unnecessary things, which is still a good thing because they probably would have been nothing more than a distraction. God works in mysterious ways yes he does.
I’ve done pretty well in school now that I’ve actually learned to put in some effort. It has inspired me to really try to excel. Even if my grades don’t show it, that doesn’t matter anymore. What is important is that I learn everything I can to be the best doctor I can be.
And that is another question which is worrying me now. I know I want to be a good doctor but what specialty. I am really leaning towards family medicine right now. At first it was just because I shadowed such a great doctor who happened to do family medicine and I like what he did. Now I’m thinking family medicine because I feel I could make the greatest difference in every patients life, in the medical community, in society, and maybe even one day in the politics of healthcare. I mean why is the US one of the very few industrialized countries that does not guarantee healthcare to all of it’s citizens. Why is medical training and care centered around “fixing” problems rather than preventing them. I want to be a preventer more than a fixer.
At the same time though, there is the lifestyle factor. And it’s not that doctors with specialties aren’t needed. Some things can’t be prevented and even if they can that doesn’t mean we should let those people die or suffer because of it. So if I were to do something more specialized like anesthesiology or radiology as I have been considering, I think I would still be making a difference obviously but I think what draws me to those specialties at this point is thoughts of money. Which is also important. I want to be able to provide for my family and there is nothing wrong with that. So I don’t know. I guess I will just have to wait and see. Hopefully during rotations I will become enlightened.
Sigh,
For example, I never got a private loan to pay for the program but the school still let me continue and has now set up a payment plan with me. So that meant I got what was most important, I got to finish the program and prove to the school that I am ready for medical school. But at the same time I still was able to scrape up enough money thanks to family my dad and income tax returns to pay my rent each month. However, I could not use my car or spend tons of money on extraneous unnecessary things, which is still a good thing because they probably would have been nothing more than a distraction. God works in mysterious ways yes he does.
I’ve done pretty well in school now that I’ve actually learned to put in some effort. It has inspired me to really try to excel. Even if my grades don’t show it, that doesn’t matter anymore. What is important is that I learn everything I can to be the best doctor I can be.
And that is another question which is worrying me now. I know I want to be a good doctor but what specialty. I am really leaning towards family medicine right now. At first it was just because I shadowed such a great doctor who happened to do family medicine and I like what he did. Now I’m thinking family medicine because I feel I could make the greatest difference in every patients life, in the medical community, in society, and maybe even one day in the politics of healthcare. I mean why is the US one of the very few industrialized countries that does not guarantee healthcare to all of it’s citizens. Why is medical training and care centered around “fixing” problems rather than preventing them. I want to be a preventer more than a fixer.
At the same time though, there is the lifestyle factor. And it’s not that doctors with specialties aren’t needed. Some things can’t be prevented and even if they can that doesn’t mean we should let those people die or suffer because of it. So if I were to do something more specialized like anesthesiology or radiology as I have been considering, I think I would still be making a difference obviously but I think what draws me to those specialties at this point is thoughts of money. Which is also important. I want to be able to provide for my family and there is nothing wrong with that. So I don’t know. I guess I will just have to wait and see. Hopefully during rotations I will become enlightened.
Sigh,
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thoughts for the Day
As I was sitting here studying my physiology I came to the realization that so many processes in our body depend on processes that go against nature. And that made me think, what is nature.
My own personal definition of nature is how the world would be if left to its own devices without any restraint or intervention.
Disorder is thus the natural order of things.
Then that made me laugh and think of how my mother always prefered for me to wear my hair permed or straight. And I would respond to her by saying its not natural for me to wear my hair permed. And she says neither is taking a piss in a toilet. And she is so right. I mean we as humans do sooo many things that are not "natural".
But isn't that good thing? Isn't that what makes us better than mere animals? Maybe. But then I thought that isn't what makes us human the fact that we can think for ourselves.
I mean most of the rules of society (mainly social rules, not laws) are just made up for whatever reasons. And that's what I need to think about before I decide to conform, what is the purpose of this rule. Most things I do in my daily life are to avoid riducule and rejection. But obviously that is not important.
Rules of society to conform or not to conconform?
Fuck assimilation.
Who has got it right?
Aren't we all lost chickens with running around with our heads cut off?
Why should I follow another blind person?
Logic is just assumptions made by man to explain things we can't.
Some things you know, other things you believe. And there is nothing wrong with believing you just have to know what you truley believe.
And finally who the hell killed Jenny Schecter?
My own personal definition of nature is how the world would be if left to its own devices without any restraint or intervention.
Disorder is thus the natural order of things.
Then that made me laugh and think of how my mother always prefered for me to wear my hair permed or straight. And I would respond to her by saying its not natural for me to wear my hair permed. And she says neither is taking a piss in a toilet. And she is so right. I mean we as humans do sooo many things that are not "natural".
But isn't that good thing? Isn't that what makes us better than mere animals? Maybe. But then I thought that isn't what makes us human the fact that we can think for ourselves.
I mean most of the rules of society (mainly social rules, not laws) are just made up for whatever reasons. And that's what I need to think about before I decide to conform, what is the purpose of this rule. Most things I do in my daily life are to avoid riducule and rejection. But obviously that is not important.
Rules of society to conform or not to conconform?
Fuck assimilation.
Who has got it right?
Aren't we all lost chickens with running around with our heads cut off?
Why should I follow another blind person?
Logic is just assumptions made by man to explain things we can't.
Some things you know, other things you believe. And there is nothing wrong with believing you just have to know what you truley believe.
And finally who the hell killed Jenny Schecter?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It happemed again-I need opinions please
Well it happened again. I was simply trying to have a conversation with my sister about something that happened in class today and she "blew up" on me. Told me that I was ignorant for saying that my teacher did not seem gay. Fortunately we were having this convo online so I was able to save it.
Please if anyone actually does read this I would like your honest opinion. I only have one mind I would like to see how others process this. I know the spelling and grammatical mistakes are numerous but if you can chug your way through this please let me know.
The Chat: (i've highlighted the meat of the converstion in red...but if u want to read the rest it may aslo be insightful)
HER: wow, you sure are blind
ME: oops
ME: ok now what were u saying
HER: she's going to be here
HER: i'm not sure what she'll be talking about
HER: and also she's deaf
HER: soo
HER: hmm
HER: but i guess she'll just talk
ME: maybe sheell be talking about beind deaf
HER: and yeah
ME: thats cool
HER: yeah
ME: u can go see her
ME: and tell her to say hi to bette for me
HER: i think i'll be at a BSU meeting
HER: no
ME: and tell her that she didn't have to do bette like that
HER: on the article they mentioned she was in The L Word
HER: and Law and Order
HER: and some other shows
ME: yea i saw her on lawn ordder
ME: she was plaing a lawyer
ME: but im not sure if she was supposed to be deaf
HER: she's been in a few episode
HER: she was deaf
HER: and she was helping a lady commit suicide
HER: and then in another one she like refused a kidney transplant
ME: omg phsyccho
HER: she wast he same character both times
HER: and she was deaf
ME: well shes pretty cool
ME: u know
ME: like representing for the deaf community
HER: yep
ME: i wonder if she is really good at reading lips
HER: she's great
HER: she must be
HER: you almost forget she's deaf
ME: it was so cute when her and bette got together
ME: yea
HER: sometimes i think Bette is an idiot
HER: she can act kinda dumb
HER: just like her mannerisms and stuff
ME: like what
HER: i dunno
HER: i can't describe it
ME: i dont i like her
ME: sometimes she can be kind of a b*tch
HER: no
ME: but in a good way
HER: i'm not saying i don't like her
HER: she just seems alittle slow sometimes
ME: what?
ME: nah i dont see it
ME: i really don't think u know what u r talking about
ME: maybe ure confused
ME: ill tell who does seem slow
ME: max
ME: and kit sometimes acts like a big grown baby
ME: but slow or dumb
ME: nah don't see it
HER: whateev
ME: she actually really smart, atleast her character is supposed to be
ME: maybe its how she talks, kind of soft sometimes especially when she was talklin to jodie but thats bc she cant hear her any way so
ME: yea
ME: so i dont know
ME: i mean its not like ure an expert on the L Word anyway
ME: OMG
ME: my friend made this pasta stuff it was soooooo freakin good man
ME: shrimp pasta it was spicy and so shrimpy uhg
ME: i just ate the last of it and i wish i had more
HER: YEAH
HER: that's what i meant
HER: her mannerisims
HER: how she talks
HER: aww
HER: you didn't let me taste none
ME: nah
ME: but ill probably make it one day
ME: its so good
ME: if i can
ME: i dont know if it wll taste the same
ME: but ill try my best
ME: got MILK?
ME: i do
ME: AND
ME: oh
ME: theres a roomer going around....which is so lame that my teacher is ga
ME: gay
HER:
HER: why?
HER: was Mr. Ht gay?
ME: i dont see how someone can blatantly spread a rumor as fact
HER: seriously, was he?
ME: I dont know
ME: thats what people said but how would u know
HER: i don't know
ME: Any way
HER: but once some kids asked my laid back english teacher
HER: and she kinda smiled, as was like i don't want to get in to this
ME: the girl was sitting next to us and she told us that two of the TA's were engaged because we saw on his laptop desktop that he head a wedding registry up
ME: Then she was like, oh by the way OUR TEACHER is gay
ME: so later on this other girl asked her how did she know
ME: and she goes its just the word thats going around class
HER: wow
HER: that's messed up
ME: and they saw him at the gym with another guy
ME: Like what the freak
ME: Thats why i hate gossip
ME: he doesnt even seem like he would be gay to me
HER: well that's kind of prejudice
ME: and thats pretty messed up u going around tetlling everyone that and u dont even know it for fact
ME: thats just STUPID
HER: the only thing that makes you gay is being attracted to the same sex
ME: just because u are working out with someone of the same sex means u are gay?
HER: all that other stuff is stereotype
ME: thatsjust dumb people do that all the time, its not prejudice or sterotype its stupid
ME: really think about it
ME: thats the only evidence they have
HER: no
HER: but you said he doesn't seem like the gay type
HER: THAT is prejudiced
HER: what is the gay type?
ME: um he doesnt
HER: hmmm???
ME: he wears a wedding ring
HER: so?
HER: gay people have wedding ceremonies
ME: he doesnt seem gay thats all im saying
HER: what does it mean to see gay?
ME: i mean what did u just say about doctor H
HER: gay is not a personality trait
ME: omg please shut up
HER: it's just attraction/sexual orientation
HER: no
HER: that's kind of messed up
ME: ok goodbye
HER: you're getting mad about spreading rumors
HER: but you're spreading stereotypes
HER: realll cool
ME: how am i spreading a steryotype?
ME: who am i talkling to im just talkling to u
HER: because you said he doesn't seem gay
ME: oh dont go around telling people stuff like this
ME: but ure so quick to try to preach to people all the time
ME: its really annoying
HER: unless you've seen him having sex with women i don't know how you could possibly know
ME: SO WHAT
HER: but you won't admit that it's a sterotype
HER: you're just like ohh whatever
ME: SO WHAT
HER: which means you don't really believe it
HER: and one day you'll say that to someone else
ME: ok right
ME: ure right
HER: and possibly hurt their feelings
ME: he doesnt fit the "steryotype" of a gay man to me
ME: which i didn't say
HER: i've got news for you
HER: a lot of gay people don't
ME: i just said that nothing about it him even hinted to me
HER: just like a lot of blacks don't fit into a steretype
HER: or anyone really
ME: because I ALWAY THOUGHT HE WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN
ME: thats just what i thought for my own reasons
ME: but hey your right
HER: i know i am
HER: thanks
ME: he could still be gay
ME: and be married
ME: i mean
ME: technically in this world we can never assume anything
ME: OH YEA
ME: i FORGOT tHATS how you think
HER: okay
HER: please explain to me
HER: how someone can SEEM gay
ME: no u tell me
HER: please, please tell me how you identify someone you know no more closely than a teacher as being gay
HER: i can't
HER: i don't think people can seem gay
ME: ok then
HER: they're gay if they're attracted to the same sex
ME: i can't explain it to u at this point in your life if you cant figure that out
HER: no
HER: i'm want to hear you arguments
HER: as to why he doesn't seem gay
ME: i dont have an argument
ME: its just my opinion
HER: please tell what signs you have or have not seen
ME: maybe its not true or it’s fiction
ME: someone to me can "seem" gay but i wont automatically assume they are without knowing it for fact
ME: but that is my way of thinking
HER: how have you formed your opinions?
HER: how does someone seem gay?
ME: u dont have to adopt that for yourself
ME: u can have your own opinions
ME: i wont try to force them on you
ME: if u want to feel that NO one in this world fits any
ME: "steryotypes" as u call them
ME: thats fine u can do that
HER: i'm not saying no one does
HER: but you can't assume someone isn't gay just because they don't
HER: that's dumb
ME: I mean seriously like the guy that dressed like a woman on the L word, I assumed he was gay
ME: i mean to me it didnt matter
ME: if he was or not, just as it usually doesnt
HER: i'm black, i don't fit into a lot of black stereotypes
ME: But then when i found out he wasn't i was like oh ok
ME: thats weird
HER: yet i've been told i don't act black
HER: that's hurtful to me
HER: because i am black, and always will be
HER: it's not about how you act
HER: or anything outside stuff
ME: Well how do i know that he isn't actually a woman who has become a transgendered man
ME: just because he looks like a man and sounds like a man and dresses like a man
ME: i mean how do i know
ME: ?
HER: you don't
ME: i cant really assume that right
ME: ok and what if i did assume that he was a man?
HER: it's best not to assume what you don't know though
ME: what would that mean
HER: it's different if you know the person
ME: no i asked u a questin
HER: you have apersonal relationship with them
HER: you notice he goes to gay bars
HER: or never dates women or anything
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then maybe you might say he does or doesn't act gay
HER: but just from standing in front of you lecturing?
ME: helloooo
HER: you know NOTHING about him
ME: i asked u a question?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then you would be wrong
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but at least you have more evidence of him being a man
HER: because he looks like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: someone can't LOOK gay
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but you can look/sound like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: i just answered you
HER: wow...
ME: i said what would it MEAN?
ME: u didnt answer the question
HER: YOOU WOULD BE WRONG
HER: that's all it would mean
HER: damnn
HER: read
HER: with your two eyes
ME: and what would it mean to be wrong
ME: i mean
HER: he would not be a man
ME: what effect would that have?
HER: as you assumed
HER: well if you kept it to yourself nothing
HER: but if you ever mentioned it to him
HER: or someone who knows him
ME: and that would be pretty messed up for me to go around spreading stereotypes that he is a man right?
HER: that might be hurtful
HER: this is different
ME: HA
ME: how is it different?
HER: you have evidence showing he's a man
HER: men aren't stereotypes
HER: tall, larger build, deep voice
HER: that's a man
ME: what is a stereotype then?
HER: different facial features
HER: no breasts
HER: things like
HER: for example
HER: black stereotypes: loud, criminal, uneducated, promiscuous, bad family structure, poor language, etc.
ME: ok so negative things?
HER: gay men: effeminate, promicuous, lisps, etc.
ME: ok and u know for a fact those are the things I used to come to the conclusion that he was not gay?
HER: many stereotypes are negative
HER: i don't
HER: that's why i asked you to tell me
HER: but somehow you regfuuuuuse
HER: and i think i know why
HER: duh
HER: so don't efven try that
ME: and because of the fact that i did not use those that in a way is me spreading those stereotypes
HER: i asked you
HER: i gaveyou a chance to prove youweren't usingstereotype
HER: t
HER: s
HER: that somehow you had factual evidence
HER: but NOPE
HER: you didn't want to tell me
ME: well here
ME: her
ME: here
ME: here's the thing
HER: tell what you were using
ME: if he was up there walking with a switching and talking with a lisp
HER: what criteria
HER: please tell me
HER: i answered your question
HER: why won't you answer mine?
ME: i proabably still wouldnt assume he's gay because some people are just like that
HER: please answer my question
ME: THe faCT THAT I HAD THIS IDEA IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD THAT HE WAS MARRIED?? and the fact that i assume most people pretty much fall in the status quo unless i know other wise, and the fact that i had never really thought about whether he was gay or not
ME: to me...for that reason i just never though he was gay or he didnt "seem" gay to me
HER: so because i don't think about someone being smart, it's okay for me to say they SEEM smart
HER: people someone has failed a class, it's okay to say they don't SEEM smart
ME: if he did have those stereotypes as u say of walking a certain way talking with a lisp, then the possibility that he might be gay would have crossed my mind but i still wouldn’t assume that he was
ME: if u think that is a "wrong" way of thinking so be it
HER: because someone hangs about with a bunch of slackers, and probably "fits into the status quo" it's okay for me to say they don't SEEM smart
HER: that makes no sense
ME: that is YOUR opinion and u are entitled to it
ME: well im sorry my thought process makes no sense to u
ME: but u do it all the time
HER: it's also my opinion that it's not okay to make assumptions about someone's personal life based on very limited observations
HER: gay isn't a skin color
ME: i don’t understand why u are getting so upset with me for doing the same thing that u do?
HER: it's not a personality
HER: it's what goes on in someone's personal life
HER: you cannot SEEM gay
HER: i'm not upset
HER: don't assume i am
ME: oh ok
HER: i'm just giving you my opinion
ME: well why are u so adimant about convincing me that i am wrong and u are right?
HER: because i feel what you're saying is really ignorant
HER: and i don't want you to be ignorant
HER: i'm try to make you realize what you said was very messed up
ME: and why do u feel that u know what is ignorant and i do not?
HER: " resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence"
HER: that is ignorance
ME: and why do u feel that i lack intelligence?
HER: i want you to KNOW that someone can't SEEM gay
HER: that's all
HER: because you stated he didn't seem gay
ME: well i would say that yes they can
HER: implying someone can seem gay
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem black
HER: that makes no sense
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem female
ME: well i dont agree with you
ME: sorry
HER: well hi there, you seem like a doctor
ME: if u feel that makes me ignorant
ME: well hey i guess now i know your opinion of me
ME: thanks
HER: the statement was ignorant
HER: and since you aren't retracting it
ME: no i'm not
HER: you are ignorant on that specific topic
ME: BUT THE FUNNY THING IS THAT YOU DO THE SAME THING
HER: i'm not saying everything you say/do is ignorant
HER: but that is
ME: but for some reason when it comes to these things especially the gay thing u are very touchy about it
HER: never said i didn't
ME: why?
ME: i dont know
ME: i mean maybe because u think i think gay people are bad?
ME: or soemthing
HER: and i would accept criticism without getting defensive or upset or trying to make it about the other person
ME: and im going to go out and spit on them and call them mean names/
ME: i dont know
ME: i'm not getting defensive
ME: i was just explaining to you my train of thought to make u understand it
HER: i understand it
ME: i understand what u are saying but i dont agree
HER: and i think it's wrong
HER: you think it's right
ME: ok thats fine
ME: i said that
HER: so maybe we should let it fo
HER: go*
ME: and u think that i made and ignorant statement
HER: because this isn't getting us anywhere
ME: and u dont want me to be ignorant
ME: which to me is insulting but hey....that’s your opinion ill just keep that in mind when i speak to you from now on
HER: alllrighty
HER: go right ahead
ME: alrighty
ME: end of discussion?
HER: yep
Well apparently for me to say that some one can seem like something is wrong. Especially gay. Is this true? What do I honestly think? Anyone can be anything. The most macho guy in the world, going around spewing how he hates gay people could be gay himself. And a man who has extremely effeminate characteristics or even likes to dress like a woman at times could be straight. To me gay or straight or even bisexual is defined only by who you have an attraction for sexually. So even a man that has had sex with a woman on several occasions could be gay.
Though when I say that some one doesn't seem a certain way that doesn't mean that I think that all people who are gay will or will not fall into a certain category characteristics or "stereotypes". If i did happen to see a man who is dressing like a female, walking and talking with more effeminate characteristics it might and most likely would cross my mind that he is or could be gay. If I have a professor who i assumed was married for whatever reason, (I can't even remember why) and just acts like an average guy fairly masculine I would say that he doesn't seem gay to me. Or maybe the word "seem" is the problem. Maybe I should have said It never crossed my mind that he was or was not gay.
Please if anyone actually does read this I would like your honest opinion. I only have one mind I would like to see how others process this. I know the spelling and grammatical mistakes are numerous but if you can chug your way through this please let me know.
The Chat: (i've highlighted the meat of the converstion in red...but if u want to read the rest it may aslo be insightful)
HER: wow, you sure are blind
ME: oops
ME: ok now what were u saying
HER: she's going to be here
HER: i'm not sure what she'll be talking about
HER: and also she's deaf
HER: soo
HER: hmm
HER: but i guess she'll just talk
ME: maybe sheell be talking about beind deaf
HER: and yeah
ME: thats cool
HER: yeah
ME: u can go see her
ME: and tell her to say hi to bette for me
HER: i think i'll be at a BSU meeting
HER: no
ME: and tell her that she didn't have to do bette like that
HER: on the article they mentioned she was in The L Word
HER: and Law and Order
HER: and some other shows
ME: yea i saw her on lawn ordder
ME: she was plaing a lawyer
ME: but im not sure if she was supposed to be deaf
HER: she's been in a few episode
HER: she was deaf
HER: and she was helping a lady commit suicide
HER: and then in another one she like refused a kidney transplant
ME: omg phsyccho
HER: she wast he same character both times
HER: and she was deaf
ME: well shes pretty cool
ME: u know
ME: like representing for the deaf community
HER: yep
ME: i wonder if she is really good at reading lips
HER: she's great
HER: she must be
HER: you almost forget she's deaf
ME: it was so cute when her and bette got together
ME: yea
HER: sometimes i think Bette is an idiot
HER: she can act kinda dumb
HER: just like her mannerisms and stuff
ME: like what
HER: i dunno
HER: i can't describe it
ME: i dont i like her
ME: sometimes she can be kind of a b*tch
HER: no
ME: but in a good way
HER: i'm not saying i don't like her
HER: she just seems alittle slow sometimes
ME: what?
ME: nah i dont see it
ME: i really don't think u know what u r talking about
ME: maybe ure confused
ME: ill tell who does seem slow
ME: max
ME: and kit sometimes acts like a big grown baby
ME: but slow or dumb
ME: nah don't see it
HER: whateev
ME: she actually really smart, atleast her character is supposed to be
ME: maybe its how she talks, kind of soft sometimes especially when she was talklin to jodie but thats bc she cant hear her any way so
ME: yea
ME: so i dont know
ME: i mean its not like ure an expert on the L Word anyway
ME: OMG
ME: my friend made this pasta stuff it was soooooo freakin good man
ME: shrimp pasta it was spicy and so shrimpy uhg
ME: i just ate the last of it and i wish i had more
HER: YEAH
HER: that's what i meant
HER: her mannerisims
HER: how she talks
HER: aww
HER: you didn't let me taste none
ME: nah
ME: but ill probably make it one day
ME: its so good
ME: if i can
ME: i dont know if it wll taste the same
ME: but ill try my best
ME: got MILK?
ME: i do
ME: AND
ME: oh
ME: theres a roomer going around....which is so lame that my teacher is ga
ME: gay
HER:
HER: why?
HER: was Mr. Ht gay?
ME: i dont see how someone can blatantly spread a rumor as fact
HER: seriously, was he?
ME: I dont know
ME: thats what people said but how would u know
HER: i don't know
ME: Any way
HER: but once some kids asked my laid back english teacher
HER: and she kinda smiled, as was like i don't want to get in to this
ME: the girl was sitting next to us and she told us that two of the TA's were engaged because we saw on his laptop desktop that he head a wedding registry up
ME: Then she was like, oh by the way OUR TEACHER is gay
ME: so later on this other girl asked her how did she know
ME: and she goes its just the word thats going around class
HER: wow
HER: that's messed up
ME: and they saw him at the gym with another guy
ME: Like what the freak
ME: Thats why i hate gossip
ME: he doesnt even seem like he would be gay to me
HER: well that's kind of prejudice
ME: and thats pretty messed up u going around tetlling everyone that and u dont even know it for fact
ME: thats just STUPID
HER: the only thing that makes you gay is being attracted to the same sex
ME: just because u are working out with someone of the same sex means u are gay?
HER: all that other stuff is stereotype
ME: thatsjust dumb people do that all the time, its not prejudice or sterotype its stupid
ME: really think about it
ME: thats the only evidence they have
HER: no
HER: but you said he doesn't seem like the gay type
HER: THAT is prejudiced
HER: what is the gay type?
ME: um he doesnt
HER: hmmm???
ME: he wears a wedding ring
HER: so?
HER: gay people have wedding ceremonies
ME: he doesnt seem gay thats all im saying
HER: what does it mean to see gay?
ME: i mean what did u just say about doctor H
HER: gay is not a personality trait
ME: omg please shut up
HER: it's just attraction/sexual orientation
HER: no
HER: that's kind of messed up
ME: ok goodbye
HER: you're getting mad about spreading rumors
HER: but you're spreading stereotypes
HER: realll cool
ME: how am i spreading a steryotype?
ME: who am i talkling to im just talkling to u
HER: because you said he doesn't seem gay
ME: oh dont go around telling people stuff like this
ME: but ure so quick to try to preach to people all the time
ME: its really annoying
HER: unless you've seen him having sex with women i don't know how you could possibly know
ME: SO WHAT
HER: but you won't admit that it's a sterotype
HER: you're just like ohh whatever
ME: SO WHAT
HER: which means you don't really believe it
HER: and one day you'll say that to someone else
ME: ok right
ME: ure right
HER: and possibly hurt their feelings
ME: he doesnt fit the "steryotype" of a gay man to me
ME: which i didn't say
HER: i've got news for you
HER: a lot of gay people don't
ME: i just said that nothing about it him even hinted to me
HER: just like a lot of blacks don't fit into a steretype
HER: or anyone really
ME: because I ALWAY THOUGHT HE WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN
ME: thats just what i thought for my own reasons
ME: but hey your right
HER: i know i am
HER: thanks
ME: he could still be gay
ME: and be married
ME: i mean
ME: technically in this world we can never assume anything
ME: OH YEA
ME: i FORGOT tHATS how you think
HER: okay
HER: please explain to me
HER: how someone can SEEM gay
ME: no u tell me
HER: please, please tell me how you identify someone you know no more closely than a teacher as being gay
HER: i can't
HER: i don't think people can seem gay
ME: ok then
HER: they're gay if they're attracted to the same sex
ME: i can't explain it to u at this point in your life if you cant figure that out
HER: no
HER: i'm want to hear you arguments
HER: as to why he doesn't seem gay
ME: i dont have an argument
ME: its just my opinion
HER: please tell what signs you have or have not seen
ME: maybe its not true or it’s fiction
ME: someone to me can "seem" gay but i wont automatically assume they are without knowing it for fact
ME: but that is my way of thinking
HER: how have you formed your opinions?
HER: how does someone seem gay?
ME: u dont have to adopt that for yourself
ME: u can have your own opinions
ME: i wont try to force them on you
ME: if u want to feel that NO one in this world fits any
ME: "steryotypes" as u call them
ME: thats fine u can do that
HER: i'm not saying no one does
HER: but you can't assume someone isn't gay just because they don't
HER: that's dumb
ME: I mean seriously like the guy that dressed like a woman on the L word, I assumed he was gay
ME: i mean to me it didnt matter
ME: if he was or not, just as it usually doesnt
HER: i'm black, i don't fit into a lot of black stereotypes
ME: But then when i found out he wasn't i was like oh ok
ME: thats weird
HER: yet i've been told i don't act black
HER: that's hurtful to me
HER: because i am black, and always will be
HER: it's not about how you act
HER: or anything outside stuff
ME: Well how do i know that he isn't actually a woman who has become a transgendered man
ME: just because he looks like a man and sounds like a man and dresses like a man
ME: i mean how do i know
ME: ?
HER: you don't
ME: i cant really assume that right
ME: ok and what if i did assume that he was a man?
HER: it's best not to assume what you don't know though
ME: what would that mean
HER: it's different if you know the person
ME: no i asked u a questin
HER: you have apersonal relationship with them
HER: you notice he goes to gay bars
HER: or never dates women or anything
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then maybe you might say he does or doesn't act gay
HER: but just from standing in front of you lecturing?
ME: helloooo
HER: you know NOTHING about him
ME: i asked u a question?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: then you would be wrong
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but at least you have more evidence of him being a man
HER: because he looks like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: someone can't LOOK gay
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: but you can look/sound like a man
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
ME: what would that mean if i assumed that he was a man and i dont know for sure if he is or not?
HER: i just answered you
HER: wow...
ME: i said what would it MEAN?
ME: u didnt answer the question
HER: YOOU WOULD BE WRONG
HER: that's all it would mean
HER: damnn
HER: read
HER: with your two eyes
ME: and what would it mean to be wrong
ME: i mean
HER: he would not be a man
ME: what effect would that have?
HER: as you assumed
HER: well if you kept it to yourself nothing
HER: but if you ever mentioned it to him
HER: or someone who knows him
ME: and that would be pretty messed up for me to go around spreading stereotypes that he is a man right?
HER: that might be hurtful
HER: this is different
ME: HA
ME: how is it different?
HER: you have evidence showing he's a man
HER: men aren't stereotypes
HER: tall, larger build, deep voice
HER: that's a man
ME: what is a stereotype then?
HER: different facial features
HER: no breasts
HER: things like
HER: for example
HER: black stereotypes: loud, criminal, uneducated, promiscuous, bad family structure, poor language, etc.
ME: ok so negative things?
HER: gay men: effeminate, promicuous, lisps, etc.
ME: ok and u know for a fact those are the things I used to come to the conclusion that he was not gay?
HER: many stereotypes are negative
HER: i don't
HER: that's why i asked you to tell me
HER: but somehow you regfuuuuuse
HER: and i think i know why
HER: duh
HER: so don't efven try that
ME: and because of the fact that i did not use those that in a way is me spreading those stereotypes
HER: i asked you
HER: i gaveyou a chance to prove youweren't usingstereotype
HER: t
HER: s
HER: that somehow you had factual evidence
HER: but NOPE
HER: you didn't want to tell me
ME: well here
ME: her
ME: here
ME: here's the thing
HER: tell what you were using
ME: if he was up there walking with a switching and talking with a lisp
HER: what criteria
HER: please tell me
HER: i answered your question
HER: why won't you answer mine?
ME: i proabably still wouldnt assume he's gay because some people are just like that
HER: please answer my question
ME: THe faCT THAT I HAD THIS IDEA IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD THAT HE WAS MARRIED?? and the fact that i assume most people pretty much fall in the status quo unless i know other wise, and the fact that i had never really thought about whether he was gay or not
ME: to me...for that reason i just never though he was gay or he didnt "seem" gay to me
HER: so because i don't think about someone being smart, it's okay for me to say they SEEM smart
HER: people someone has failed a class, it's okay to say they don't SEEM smart
ME: if he did have those stereotypes as u say of walking a certain way talking with a lisp, then the possibility that he might be gay would have crossed my mind but i still wouldn’t assume that he was
ME: if u think that is a "wrong" way of thinking so be it
HER: because someone hangs about with a bunch of slackers, and probably "fits into the status quo" it's okay for me to say they don't SEEM smart
HER: that makes no sense
ME: that is YOUR opinion and u are entitled to it
ME: well im sorry my thought process makes no sense to u
ME: but u do it all the time
HER: it's also my opinion that it's not okay to make assumptions about someone's personal life based on very limited observations
HER: gay isn't a skin color
ME: i don’t understand why u are getting so upset with me for doing the same thing that u do?
HER: it's not a personality
HER: it's what goes on in someone's personal life
HER: you cannot SEEM gay
HER: i'm not upset
HER: don't assume i am
ME: oh ok
HER: i'm just giving you my opinion
ME: well why are u so adimant about convincing me that i am wrong and u are right?
HER: because i feel what you're saying is really ignorant
HER: and i don't want you to be ignorant
HER: i'm try to make you realize what you said was very messed up
ME: and why do u feel that u know what is ignorant and i do not?
HER: " resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence"
HER: that is ignorance
ME: and why do u feel that i lack intelligence?
HER: i want you to KNOW that someone can't SEEM gay
HER: that's all
HER: because you stated he didn't seem gay
ME: well i would say that yes they can
HER: implying someone can seem gay
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem black
HER: that makes no sense
HER: well hi there
HER: you seem female
ME: well i dont agree with you
ME: sorry
HER: well hi there, you seem like a doctor
ME: if u feel that makes me ignorant
ME: well hey i guess now i know your opinion of me
ME: thanks
HER: the statement was ignorant
HER: and since you aren't retracting it
ME: no i'm not
HER: you are ignorant on that specific topic
ME: BUT THE FUNNY THING IS THAT YOU DO THE SAME THING
HER: i'm not saying everything you say/do is ignorant
HER: but that is
ME: but for some reason when it comes to these things especially the gay thing u are very touchy about it
HER: never said i didn't
ME: why?
ME: i dont know
ME: i mean maybe because u think i think gay people are bad?
ME: or soemthing
HER: and i would accept criticism without getting defensive or upset or trying to make it about the other person
ME: and im going to go out and spit on them and call them mean names/
ME: i dont know
ME: i'm not getting defensive
ME: i was just explaining to you my train of thought to make u understand it
HER: i understand it
ME: i understand what u are saying but i dont agree
HER: and i think it's wrong
HER: you think it's right
ME: ok thats fine
ME: i said that
HER: so maybe we should let it fo
HER: go*
ME: and u think that i made and ignorant statement
HER: because this isn't getting us anywhere
ME: and u dont want me to be ignorant
ME: which to me is insulting but hey....that’s your opinion ill just keep that in mind when i speak to you from now on
HER: alllrighty
HER: go right ahead
ME: alrighty
ME: end of discussion?
HER: yep
Well apparently for me to say that some one can seem like something is wrong. Especially gay. Is this true? What do I honestly think? Anyone can be anything. The most macho guy in the world, going around spewing how he hates gay people could be gay himself. And a man who has extremely effeminate characteristics or even likes to dress like a woman at times could be straight. To me gay or straight or even bisexual is defined only by who you have an attraction for sexually. So even a man that has had sex with a woman on several occasions could be gay.
Though when I say that some one doesn't seem a certain way that doesn't mean that I think that all people who are gay will or will not fall into a certain category characteristics or "stereotypes". If i did happen to see a man who is dressing like a female, walking and talking with more effeminate characteristics it might and most likely would cross my mind that he is or could be gay. If I have a professor who i assumed was married for whatever reason, (I can't even remember why) and just acts like an average guy fairly masculine I would say that he doesn't seem gay to me. Or maybe the word "seem" is the problem. Maybe I should have said It never crossed my mind that he was or was not gay.
Either way the point to me is that IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Which is the thing my sister doesn't seem to get. She is so worried about what other people think. First of all I wouldn't go around sharing these thoughts that I may or may not have with anyone unless they were a friend in confidence. And in that case it really doesn't matter. As I thought my sister was my friend who I could share things with in confidance , but her problem is that she is too judgemental and its starting to get on my nerves. I can't say anything thing to her without her analyzing it and then grilling the hell out of me about it if she finds it "wrong". Well that to me is not a good characteristic to have or at least to use on other people who are supposed to be a friend. I have no problem with her sharing her opinion with me about it, but then insulting me on my opinions or constantly trying to get me to think the way that she does adimant that I am wrong... It gives her the appearance of being arrogant, and it obnoxious.
And I know that she feels this way about other people...she stereotypes them herself all the time. Her classmates and such. She feels that she is better than them for whatever reasons...and most people are not worthy of her. She has said this to me jokingly but I always say 80% of a joke is some kind of truth.
I think at times in your life you will have to form assumptions about people. I mean you HAVE to. And especially me as a doctor I will have to learn to use this skill very well. The thing is to know that assumptions are not fact. You can never really know something about someone until you know it. And even then everything can't be trusted but unfortunately because we are not psychic beings so that's the way it has to be.
I really don't know what my sister's problem is. She says I may end up hurting someone. I don't really see how that could happen, if someone lets the fact that someone thinks they are gay or not gay hurt their feelings...well that says something about that person and maybe not so much about the person who thought it. People have many different reasons for thinking the way that they do. The problem is when we let stereotypes determine how we will treat another person especially if it is in a negative way. For example police officers harassing a black man driving through a white neighborhood for the mere fact that he is black and NOT because he was nescesarrily breaking a law.
I will not pretend to be well informed on everything so if I say something that is wrong does that make me ignorant? No I think that makes me human.
Now on the gay thing, my honest opinion of it, due to my religious and scientific beliefs I think it is wrong. Growing up I learned that adultury is a sin, and I really am not even sure if homosexuality is a sin, but since two people of the same sex can't be mariried sexual relations between to people of the same sex would be a sin. Now if the two were married legally, since the Bible says that we should follow the laws of the land as long as they don't break the laws of God then...I don't know. Scientifically since two people of the same sex can't procreate and thats what sex is for then it doesn't seem to make much sense in terms of evolution. But I also think that there may be genetic traits that would cause someone to be attracted to a person of the same sex. So me I don't think its right but it doesn't bother me. If someone is gay or wants to be gay that's their business I don't care.
If I were to think, what if it turned out my child was gay (because even a family member well hmm i don't know if i would care so much) I would have to say that I am worried about the fate of their soul...heaven or hell. I think that if it is a sin then it is just a sin like any other. And hopefully if I had raised them to know that living in sin is not the best thing then that would affect their choices.
Me for example...I have stated in my other blogs that I have had strange feelings...maybe attractions to other females but I have never acted on it. Why? I don't know. There are alot of things I "feel" like doing but I don't do. I'm a "civilized" creature. But at the same time I give in and do other things that I know are wrong. I'm human.
So now that I have blown off my own steam...I feel that I don't really know what's going through my sister's head. And I don't really care anymore. It's just not really fun to be attacked when u just want to have a light enjoyable conversation with someone. And since I know she has this characteristic I will just have to remember that when I speak to her in the future. (If i Ever Do) But seriously .... I think I'm getting over the right and wrong thing. People have their own OPINIONS. Thats the way it is. I don't feel that it's my or anyone's job to go around telling people how they should think if they are not harming themselves or anyone else then...hey.
People who have negative opinions about gay people are going to have them for whatever reason, whether they say it out loud or not. And it probably has nothing to do with them believing a gay person talks or walks a certain way. It's usually much deeper than that.
I think at times in your life you will have to form assumptions about people. I mean you HAVE to. And especially me as a doctor I will have to learn to use this skill very well. The thing is to know that assumptions are not fact. You can never really know something about someone until you know it. And even then everything can't be trusted but unfortunately because we are not psychic beings so that's the way it has to be.
I really don't know what my sister's problem is. She says I may end up hurting someone. I don't really see how that could happen, if someone lets the fact that someone thinks they are gay or not gay hurt their feelings...well that says something about that person and maybe not so much about the person who thought it. People have many different reasons for thinking the way that they do. The problem is when we let stereotypes determine how we will treat another person especially if it is in a negative way. For example police officers harassing a black man driving through a white neighborhood for the mere fact that he is black and NOT because he was nescesarrily breaking a law.
I will not pretend to be well informed on everything so if I say something that is wrong does that make me ignorant? No I think that makes me human.
Now on the gay thing, my honest opinion of it, due to my religious and scientific beliefs I think it is wrong. Growing up I learned that adultury is a sin, and I really am not even sure if homosexuality is a sin, but since two people of the same sex can't be mariried sexual relations between to people of the same sex would be a sin. Now if the two were married legally, since the Bible says that we should follow the laws of the land as long as they don't break the laws of God then...I don't know. Scientifically since two people of the same sex can't procreate and thats what sex is for then it doesn't seem to make much sense in terms of evolution. But I also think that there may be genetic traits that would cause someone to be attracted to a person of the same sex. So me I don't think its right but it doesn't bother me. If someone is gay or wants to be gay that's their business I don't care.
If I were to think, what if it turned out my child was gay (because even a family member well hmm i don't know if i would care so much) I would have to say that I am worried about the fate of their soul...heaven or hell. I think that if it is a sin then it is just a sin like any other. And hopefully if I had raised them to know that living in sin is not the best thing then that would affect their choices.
Me for example...I have stated in my other blogs that I have had strange feelings...maybe attractions to other females but I have never acted on it. Why? I don't know. There are alot of things I "feel" like doing but I don't do. I'm a "civilized" creature. But at the same time I give in and do other things that I know are wrong. I'm human.
So now that I have blown off my own steam...I feel that I don't really know what's going through my sister's head. And I don't really care anymore. It's just not really fun to be attacked when u just want to have a light enjoyable conversation with someone. And since I know she has this characteristic I will just have to remember that when I speak to her in the future. (If i Ever Do) But seriously .... I think I'm getting over the right and wrong thing. People have their own OPINIONS. Thats the way it is. I don't feel that it's my or anyone's job to go around telling people how they should think if they are not harming themselves or anyone else then...hey.
People who have negative opinions about gay people are going to have them for whatever reason, whether they say it out loud or not. And it probably has nothing to do with them believing a gay person talks or walks a certain way. It's usually much deeper than that.
So my new slogan is "I don't care".
But I am intersted in anyone else's opinion. If you care to comment please do. PLEASE.
Thanks
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