Memories of Mommy

Sitting here waiting for some tutees to show up. It's 3:07pm tutoring started at 3:00pm; no one's coming. But that's ok because I prayed for it. I need to be studying for my own exam. While I was sitting here I was thinking about my Mommy. She called me this afternoon on her way home from church and she asked me had I gone to church with one of my friends that I told her about. I told her no. While I was sitting here however, I thought how random that she would ask me that, but not really because today is Sunday so of course she would wonder if I had gone to church. Then I started thinking about my dear Mommy. She must be the one person who cares about me the most in the world. I can't say that she knows me best. No one really knows me. What a lonely feeling, but that isn't the point. The point is we spent 18 long years together. Living in the same house, seeing each other practically every day and now I'm so far away from here literally and figuratively. Where we ever close though? Maybe, I remember I would tell her certain things which were kind of private. Maybe those things which I wouldn't want to tell my mother because I knew it would disappoint her because she raised me better.

Memories of Mommy:

-I remember one she told me I was attractive.
-I remember once she called me a heffer. I guess it was hurtful but it was more suprising because she never used that kind of language. Now I know she didn't mean it she was just angry.
-I remember once I told her about a boy at summer camp who I had kissed but he went around telling every one that we...I can't remember if he said sex or just something that was equally as horrible for a middle school girl to have everyone thinking she did with a boy.
-I remember when Sean sliced my pinky open with my pocket knife I called her on my way to the emergency room crying like a big baby. She came right away. She lectured both me and him afterwards. She told us this is what happens when you do things, basically you aren't supposed to do and you try to force people to do things they don't want to do. This was when I was hmm must have been 24 or so. It was the time when I was still shadowing Dr. Mor.
-I remember I had to beg her to take guitar lessions when I was in middle school. After much persistance she finally signed me up. Then I started piano lessons. For some reason after that she made my brother and sister start lessons although they weren't exactly enthusiastic about it. Now I can read music, still play my guitar and know a couple of songs on piano. My brother quit his lessons as did my sister. But now my brother is pretty good at playing piano, he taught himself from youtube.
-I remember when she and my aunt went out to a garage sale and surprised me with my first electric guitar and amp. I still have that guitar and it's the only amp I own.
-I remember when she used to comb my hair and make me turn around to get the back with my face in her crotch. I could smell the way her sweat smelled "down there"
-I remember when it used to hurt while she combed my hair she would say beauty knows no pain
-I remember how she can't swim so she would always stay in the shallow end of the pool. She made all of us taking swimming lessons and then tried to get us to teach her to swim. She still can't swim.
-I remember how she sat down at the piano and learned the song "Sometimes the rain comes down in June" or whatever by Vanessa Williams. I don't know if she ever took piano lessons but she must have. I believe she was reading sheet music.
-I remember the way she cried out in utter despair when my brother was having seizure.
-I remember how upset she got when I told her my half sister was coming to school at the same school I went to. She was upset because my (bio) dad was spending alot of money to send her there while practically neglecting my brother and sister. I remember she told me she didn't want to meet her. She got over it and admitted the she had to "vent" and actually met her not too long ago. That was this year.
-I remember the trips she would take us on when we were kids. I must have been in 5th grade or so. Maybe younger or older. At the time we were just kids sitting in the car enjoying the ride. Our road trips. She drove us from St. Pete to Louisiana to Georgia, to St. Augustine, to Orlando and back home. Just her driving alone with 3 young kids in the car. How she did it? I don't know but I'm glad she did.
-I remember she would take us to dollar movies and we would go buy our own candy from Albertson's before to take into the movie.
-I remember calling out her name from my bunk bed when we lived in New Jersey. I must have been 4 or 5 then. When I was supposed to be asleep I would call and call Mooommmmyyyy. She just ignored me.
-I remember when she (and (step) dad) asked me if J. had ever "touched me" I told them yes and where and how he made us sit on his lap. They told me he was sick man because of the war and that's why he did it. I still wonder to this day if they believed us but they must have for them to respond the way he did. We have never spoken of it since then. This is when I was in highschool
-I remember how disappointed my Mommy was when I told her about how bad my grades were in college.
-I remember how excited she got when I told her I got straight A's last semester. And how excited she gets when I tell her I'm still getting some A's and how scared she sounds when I tell her "I don't think I did too well"
-I remember the joke she made when I told her that I could have a baby now and she could keep it for me until I get done with med school. She said I can hardly take care of your little sister now. Do you want the kid to be normal? LOLing

Well I'm sure I have more memories of Mommy. I'm just thinking about what and important and special relationship the one with your mother is. It's like none other. It shapes who you are and how you deal with the world. Mommy is the one person I know will always be there no matter what I do. She isn't perfect but she only wants the best for us. What an amazing thing to be a mother to make kids and then raise them and watch them grow up and become their own. She didn't have a good relationship with her own mother so I'm suprised she did such a good job with us. She came from a different time and place. I guess we only progress and get better. Maybe. Looking at her brother's and sisters though. They are sooo different. I mean if it weren't for the fact that they looked alike you wouldn't believe they were related and actually had so much of a shared environment growing up. I mean acutally now that I tihnk about it. The ones who grew up with her grandmother (my great grandmother) came out some what better. AH I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out. They weren't all bad. I mean my family isn't that bad. They are average. Some are doing better than others. I guess there are a few bad seeds here and there not doing what they are supposed to do. That comes from the environment they grew up in + parenting. Some of them have seen the light and are trying to do better. Some seemed like they were on the way to being good but then made some mistakes and I don't know where that is going to lead them.

Ok enough. It's 3:37pm, no tutees have shown up, and I'm leaving . I knew no one was coming.