Today is Mr E's birthday. So I'm going to call him now and wish him a happy one. It's about 7 am his time so he should be on his way to work. I called him last night around 11pm his time. No answer. I'm sure he was "playing soccer". I have this deep gut feeling that he is really doing something else at times when he tells me he's going to play soccer. I just don't believe him. How can someone who plays soccer 5 times a week, still be complaining of getting fat? This is possible if he is eating huge amounts of food but who knows. What do I care anyway?
I call.
E:Hello
Me: Hi
E: You're up early
Me: I'm always up early
E: sound's like you were partying hard last night
Me: Yea right that's the last thing I would be doing right now
[he couldn't hear me so I repeated this]
Me: Anyway Happy Birthday!
E: Oh you remembered
Me: Um yea I remembered didn't you get my text last night [I texted him happy birthday before I went to sleep]
E: Yea I got your text this morning when I woke up but I figured you would be sleeping so I just...
Me: Mmm
E: Hey give me a minute let me change and call you back
Weird convo. How about thanks for the happy birthday or something. maybe he's not too happy that it's his birthday or maybe he's just an asshole now since I told him he couldn't "give me the vitamin anymore". We'll see. It really annoyed me when he said sounds like I was partying hard. Does he know how stressed out I am about trying to make an A on this final [by the way, I've given up on the A I will settle for a B]. YES but he would make an insensitive comment like that. Maybe he was being sarcastic. I think he was the one partying hard so that was some kind of projection thing onto me. Whatever, I'll see what happens when he calls back. Now time for breakfast.
-----9:30
No call back. Breakfast: oatmeal w/ honey raisins & vanilla, powdered milk no ants. Instant coffee and water. Studied a little biochemistry, the ETC and ROS. Now the coffee is kicking in and energy is expanding inside of me threatening to make me explode if I don't release it somehow. I wish I could go for a run but these old knees won't hold up and the roads are rocky and tortuous. The last thing I need is another injury. Maybe I'll just do some sit ups, push ups, p90x? Yea P90x sounds like a good idea. Ok one more hour of studying and I'll do that.
Random thought: I hate shooting on the far end of the basketball court. The ball always rolls away from you after you a hit a shot because the court is so damn uneven. My gosh, you can feel the baby hills under your feet when you walk across it. They really should have done a better job...people are going to continue to get injured on that messy thing. I think that may have been part of what happened to me. I'm expecting to suffer from arthritis probably in my knees and fingers when I get older. better go take some glucosamine now.
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The rest of the day I hardly got any studying done. I'm so ready to be through with these finals. I played my guitar and blogged for many hours of the day, perused facebook for unknown quantities of time, and topped off my escapade of procrastination by watching Dexter and Californication. They killed Rita-totally unexpected. I wonder if they will keep her on the show as a ghost or something next season. I can't wait to see what happens. I was so angry they ended it that way but they usually do leave you with your jaw hanging open. I also made a video for Mr E's birthday. As of 12am his time he hadn't watched it yet. I have a feeling yesterday wasn't a good day for him. But I also have this feeling that he was up to something. Me and my always suspicious self...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
What I read today
Michelle Obama watches TV and plays with her dog. It's a guilty pleasure
First openly gay assembly spokes person in california-John Perez
2 democrats in senate want to stop prescription mining by pharaceutical companies
female circumcision banned in uganda. It's nt like the male form of just removing the precipice, they remove the whole clit. that's just effed up
-south african officials were giving out forged passports to pakistanis
-so tiger woods is a total player a cheat a dog. the article basically said he should have been more careful, nothing about it being wrong to cheat on your wife. and apparently wealthy men cheat more. why why why? guess i will have to settle for a mechanic afterall
First openly gay assembly spokes person in california-John Perez
2 democrats in senate want to stop prescription mining by pharaceutical companies
female circumcision banned in uganda. It's nt like the male form of just removing the precipice, they remove the whole clit. that's just effed up
-south african officials were giving out forged passports to pakistanis
-so tiger woods is a total player a cheat a dog. the article basically said he should have been more careful, nothing about it being wrong to cheat on your wife. and apparently wealthy men cheat more. why why why? guess i will have to settle for a mechanic afterall
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Memories of Mommy
Sitting here waiting for some tutees to show up. It's 3:07pm tutoring started at 3:00pm; no one's coming. But that's ok because I prayed for it. I need to be studying for my own exam. While I was sitting here I was thinking about my Mommy. She called me this afternoon on her way home from church and she asked me had I gone to church with one of my friends that I told her about. I told her no. While I was sitting here however, I thought how random that she would ask me that, but not really because today is Sunday so of course she would wonder if I had gone to church. Then I started thinking about my dear Mommy. She must be the one person who cares about me the most in the world. I can't say that she knows me best. No one really knows me. What a lonely feeling, but that isn't the point. The point is we spent 18 long years together. Living in the same house, seeing each other practically every day and now I'm so far away from here literally and figuratively. Where we ever close though? Maybe, I remember I would tell her certain things which were kind of private. Maybe those things which I wouldn't want to tell my mother because I knew it would disappoint her because she raised me better.
Memories of Mommy:
-I remember one she told me I was attractive.
-I remember once she called me a heffer. I guess it was hurtful but it was more suprising because she never used that kind of language. Now I know she didn't mean it she was just angry.
-I remember once I told her about a boy at summer camp who I had kissed but he went around telling every one that we...I can't remember if he said sex or just something that was equally as horrible for a middle school girl to have everyone thinking she did with a boy.
-I remember when Sean sliced my pinky open with my pocket knife I called her on my way to the emergency room crying like a big baby. She came right away. She lectured both me and him afterwards. She told us this is what happens when you do things, basically you aren't supposed to do and you try to force people to do things they don't want to do. This was when I was hmm must have been 24 or so. It was the time when I was still shadowing Dr. Mor.
-I remember I had to beg her to take guitar lessions when I was in middle school. After much persistance she finally signed me up. Then I started piano lessons. For some reason after that she made my brother and sister start lessons although they weren't exactly enthusiastic about it. Now I can read music, still play my guitar and know a couple of songs on piano. My brother quit his lessons as did my sister. But now my brother is pretty good at playing piano, he taught himself from youtube.
-I remember when she and my aunt went out to a garage sale and surprised me with my first electric guitar and amp. I still have that guitar and it's the only amp I own.
-I remember when she used to comb my hair and make me turn around to get the back with my face in her crotch. I could smell the way her sweat smelled "down there"
-I remember when it used to hurt while she combed my hair she would say beauty knows no pain
-I remember how she can't swim so she would always stay in the shallow end of the pool. She made all of us taking swimming lessons and then tried to get us to teach her to swim. She still can't swim.
-I remember how she sat down at the piano and learned the song "Sometimes the rain comes down in June" or whatever by Vanessa Williams. I don't know if she ever took piano lessons but she must have. I believe she was reading sheet music.
-I remember the way she cried out in utter despair when my brother was having seizure.
-I remember how upset she got when I told her my half sister was coming to school at the same school I went to. She was upset because my (bio) dad was spending alot of money to send her there while practically neglecting my brother and sister. I remember she told me she didn't want to meet her. She got over it and admitted the she had to "vent" and actually met her not too long ago. That was this year.
-I remember the trips she would take us on when we were kids. I must have been in 5th grade or so. Maybe younger or older. At the time we were just kids sitting in the car enjoying the ride. Our road trips. She drove us from St. Pete to Louisiana to Georgia, to St. Augustine, to Orlando and back home. Just her driving alone with 3 young kids in the car. How she did it? I don't know but I'm glad she did.
-I remember she would take us to dollar movies and we would go buy our own candy from Albertson's before to take into the movie.
-I remember calling out her name from my bunk bed when we lived in New Jersey. I must have been 4 or 5 then. When I was supposed to be asleep I would call and call Mooommmmyyyy. She just ignored me.
-I remember when she (and (step) dad) asked me if J. had ever "touched me" I told them yes and where and how he made us sit on his lap. They told me he was sick man because of the war and that's why he did it. I still wonder to this day if they believed us but they must have for them to respond the way he did. We have never spoken of it since then. This is when I was in highschool
-I remember how disappointed my Mommy was when I told her about how bad my grades were in college.
-I remember how excited she got when I told her I got straight A's last semester. And how excited she gets when I tell her I'm still getting some A's and how scared she sounds when I tell her "I don't think I did too well"
-I remember the joke she made when I told her that I could have a baby now and she could keep it for me until I get done with med school. She said I can hardly take care of your little sister now. Do you want the kid to be normal? LOLing
Well I'm sure I have more memories of Mommy. I'm just thinking about what and important and special relationship the one with your mother is. It's like none other. It shapes who you are and how you deal with the world. Mommy is the one person I know will always be there no matter what I do. She isn't perfect but she only wants the best for us. What an amazing thing to be a mother to make kids and then raise them and watch them grow up and become their own. She didn't have a good relationship with her own mother so I'm suprised she did such a good job with us. She came from a different time and place. I guess we only progress and get better. Maybe. Looking at her brother's and sisters though. They are sooo different. I mean if it weren't for the fact that they looked alike you wouldn't believe they were related and actually had so much of a shared environment growing up. I mean acutally now that I tihnk about it. The ones who grew up with her grandmother (my great grandmother) came out some what better. AH I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out. They weren't all bad. I mean my family isn't that bad. They are average. Some are doing better than others. I guess there are a few bad seeds here and there not doing what they are supposed to do. That comes from the environment they grew up in + parenting. Some of them have seen the light and are trying to do better. Some seemed like they were on the way to being good but then made some mistakes and I don't know where that is going to lead them.
Ok enough. It's 3:37pm, no tutees have shown up, and I'm leaving . I knew no one was coming.
Memories of Mommy:
-I remember one she told me I was attractive.
-I remember once she called me a heffer. I guess it was hurtful but it was more suprising because she never used that kind of language. Now I know she didn't mean it she was just angry.
-I remember once I told her about a boy at summer camp who I had kissed but he went around telling every one that we...I can't remember if he said sex or just something that was equally as horrible for a middle school girl to have everyone thinking she did with a boy.
-I remember when Sean sliced my pinky open with my pocket knife I called her on my way to the emergency room crying like a big baby. She came right away. She lectured both me and him afterwards. She told us this is what happens when you do things, basically you aren't supposed to do and you try to force people to do things they don't want to do. This was when I was hmm must have been 24 or so. It was the time when I was still shadowing Dr. Mor.
-I remember I had to beg her to take guitar lessions when I was in middle school. After much persistance she finally signed me up. Then I started piano lessons. For some reason after that she made my brother and sister start lessons although they weren't exactly enthusiastic about it. Now I can read music, still play my guitar and know a couple of songs on piano. My brother quit his lessons as did my sister. But now my brother is pretty good at playing piano, he taught himself from youtube.
-I remember when she and my aunt went out to a garage sale and surprised me with my first electric guitar and amp. I still have that guitar and it's the only amp I own.
-I remember when she used to comb my hair and make me turn around to get the back with my face in her crotch. I could smell the way her sweat smelled "down there"
-I remember when it used to hurt while she combed my hair she would say beauty knows no pain
-I remember how she can't swim so she would always stay in the shallow end of the pool. She made all of us taking swimming lessons and then tried to get us to teach her to swim. She still can't swim.
-I remember how she sat down at the piano and learned the song "Sometimes the rain comes down in June" or whatever by Vanessa Williams. I don't know if she ever took piano lessons but she must have. I believe she was reading sheet music.
-I remember the way she cried out in utter despair when my brother was having seizure.
-I remember how upset she got when I told her my half sister was coming to school at the same school I went to. She was upset because my (bio) dad was spending alot of money to send her there while practically neglecting my brother and sister. I remember she told me she didn't want to meet her. She got over it and admitted the she had to "vent" and actually met her not too long ago. That was this year.
-I remember the trips she would take us on when we were kids. I must have been in 5th grade or so. Maybe younger or older. At the time we were just kids sitting in the car enjoying the ride. Our road trips. She drove us from St. Pete to Louisiana to Georgia, to St. Augustine, to Orlando and back home. Just her driving alone with 3 young kids in the car. How she did it? I don't know but I'm glad she did.
-I remember she would take us to dollar movies and we would go buy our own candy from Albertson's before to take into the movie.
-I remember calling out her name from my bunk bed when we lived in New Jersey. I must have been 4 or 5 then. When I was supposed to be asleep I would call and call Mooommmmyyyy. She just ignored me.
-I remember when she (and (step) dad) asked me if J. had ever "touched me" I told them yes and where and how he made us sit on his lap. They told me he was sick man because of the war and that's why he did it. I still wonder to this day if they believed us but they must have for them to respond the way he did. We have never spoken of it since then. This is when I was in highschool
-I remember how disappointed my Mommy was when I told her about how bad my grades were in college.
-I remember how excited she got when I told her I got straight A's last semester. And how excited she gets when I tell her I'm still getting some A's and how scared she sounds when I tell her "I don't think I did too well"
-I remember the joke she made when I told her that I could have a baby now and she could keep it for me until I get done with med school. She said I can hardly take care of your little sister now. Do you want the kid to be normal? LOLing
Well I'm sure I have more memories of Mommy. I'm just thinking about what and important and special relationship the one with your mother is. It's like none other. It shapes who you are and how you deal with the world. Mommy is the one person I know will always be there no matter what I do. She isn't perfect but she only wants the best for us. What an amazing thing to be a mother to make kids and then raise them and watch them grow up and become their own. She didn't have a good relationship with her own mother so I'm suprised she did such a good job with us. She came from a different time and place. I guess we only progress and get better. Maybe. Looking at her brother's and sisters though. They are sooo different. I mean if it weren't for the fact that they looked alike you wouldn't believe they were related and actually had so much of a shared environment growing up. I mean acutally now that I tihnk about it. The ones who grew up with her grandmother (my great grandmother) came out some what better. AH I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out. They weren't all bad. I mean my family isn't that bad. They are average. Some are doing better than others. I guess there are a few bad seeds here and there not doing what they are supposed to do. That comes from the environment they grew up in + parenting. Some of them have seen the light and are trying to do better. Some seemed like they were on the way to being good but then made some mistakes and I don't know where that is going to lead them.
Ok enough. It's 3:37pm, no tutees have shown up, and I'm leaving . I knew no one was coming.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Today's Day
Wake up.hit snooze. write down dream. sleep. wake up again. Write down my dreams. Roll over open up the laptop on the chair. Don't know what I'm looking for. Oh yea, Family Guy 60% Weeds 75 %. Internet wasn't working over night, damn. Mr. E calls. "Hello". Conversation consisting of how was your days? Lots of silence, lots of I can't hear you's and what did you says? Then have a good day. You too. Meanwhile I'm writing another dream I remembered and checking OKcupid. Checking out females all over the US. There are some really awesome people out there with their own quirky personalities. Inspiring me not to change my own to please anyone else. Just be me. I'll find someone I like and someone who likes me for me. Too bad none of these awesome people live anywhere near me. This is why I need to move travel visit other places. Now thinking about today. Anatomy practical this afternoon. I want pankcakes. Pancakes then study down to the last minute. Want to visit Dr. Caz** but apparently she is sick. More later.
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Sunday, November 15, 2009
Abortion?
Do I think that the government should fund abortions as an inclusion to the new health care reform?
Right off the bat without giving it much thought I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because I don't believe in abortion. But that statement isn't entirely true. I don't believe in abortion or rather think it's right in the same sense that I don't believe murder is right. Now to say that I don't believe murder is right is probably not true either. I would have to look at the reasons behind said murder. What motive did the person have in mind when they decided to take another human life. The same goes when I think of abortion.
I believe that if someone has the means to take care of the child to be born they should not have an abortion. Yes some people may struggle, and yes the child may have a hard life. But there are people born every day into this world living in similar situations. Do those people not deserve to be born because the life ahead of them would be difficult. Maybe we should go to those people, perhaps the ones who have been placed in foster care or suffered abuse throughout their lifetime because their mother's chose not to abort. If we asked them would they rather have never been born? What would they say. I imagine some would say yes. But I imagine the majority would say no. What about those that grow up to commit crimes themselves because of the harsh environment they were raised in. Should they have been killed before they even got the chance to think about committing evil acts?
These questions are too complex, too deep for anyone to come up with the answer to. But at the same time we come up with answers to these questions all the time. To kill someone is not illegal. We can kill someone in self defense and possibly never spend one second in a prison cell. So maybe abortion is a form of self defense. Defending the child by taking it's own life. Or defending the world by preventing a psychopathic murderer from being born? No one knows how the life of that child will turn out or what good can be done by allowing the child the chance to live. Maybe we just killed the cure for cancer.
So do I think the government should fund abortion in their government funded insurance plans. No. They never have before and I don't understand why people are getting all into an uproar about it like they are taking something away from them. Women can still have abortions. The government funded insurance plans won't pay for it. And really, how often do you need to have an abortion. It's not like they aren't going to cover your yearly physicals. This might be ignorant thinking on my part but who sits around thinking, hmmm, I might need to have an abortion this year. Now yes people do get pregnant and the pregnancy can turn out to be detrimental to both the woman and the fetus' life. If an abortion is not performed then both would die. So if a person is in that situation I would say that yes this might provide a serious problem for a person who can't afford to pay out of pocket for an abortion, thus leaving them in the same financial type of sink hole that this government funded health insurance plan is trying to prevent. So maybe I jumped the gun a little by saying NO right of the bat. Maybe the government should set limits on the abortions they will fund. It would have to be medically necessary to save the person's life if the abortion would be funded. Not an abortion of pure choice. By analogy I'm sure the government isn't going to be funding elective plastic surgery procedures.Otherwise, do I think it's a person's right to chose. Yes. Do I think there should be limits on what constitutes a legitimate reason for having an abortion, yes. I would never say that abortion should not be allowed because I never know when I or an person close to me will be in the situation where they feel that's the only choice they can make.
One more thing to think about, I have known people who have spoken about the fact that they've had abortions. Actually only two people. Both of them decided on the abortion, not because they truly wouldn't have been able to take care of the child, but because it would have been difficult for them. It would have been stressful and probably changed their lives forever in a direction they were not planning for. Deep down, and I know it's not my right to judge, I don't think those were good "legitimate" reasons for having an abortion. But I know if I had been placed in the same situation, knowing my family, and for me it would have been more of the social aspect that would be my main concern, what would people think of me, and reason for choosing an abortion. Now I can't say for sure that was the reason for those two ladies but really is that what it comes down to a lot of times? I don't think that is fair to the child. So now I have a new found respect for those people who, yes they made mistakes, they were probably careless and irresponsible, but they chose to own up and do the right think. They probably stood up for their beliefs when it would have been so easy to shell out 400 bucks or so and get rid of the problem and the shame forever. And that is probably not true because they will be living with that themselves forever, even if no one else knows. Even if they can continue their carefree lifestyle without having to change. I by no means do I think that every person who chooses to have an abortion has the same mindset.
That was my brain exercise for today. Maybe my opinion will change in a few years. As a doctor would I ever perform an abortion? I won't say no to that either. It would depend on the situation.
Right off the bat without giving it much thought I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because I don't believe in abortion. But that statement isn't entirely true. I don't believe in abortion or rather think it's right in the same sense that I don't believe murder is right. Now to say that I don't believe murder is right is probably not true either. I would have to look at the reasons behind said murder. What motive did the person have in mind when they decided to take another human life. The same goes when I think of abortion.
I believe that if someone has the means to take care of the child to be born they should not have an abortion. Yes some people may struggle, and yes the child may have a hard life. But there are people born every day into this world living in similar situations. Do those people not deserve to be born because the life ahead of them would be difficult. Maybe we should go to those people, perhaps the ones who have been placed in foster care or suffered abuse throughout their lifetime because their mother's chose not to abort. If we asked them would they rather have never been born? What would they say. I imagine some would say yes. But I imagine the majority would say no. What about those that grow up to commit crimes themselves because of the harsh environment they were raised in. Should they have been killed before they even got the chance to think about committing evil acts?
These questions are too complex, too deep for anyone to come up with the answer to. But at the same time we come up with answers to these questions all the time. To kill someone is not illegal. We can kill someone in self defense and possibly never spend one second in a prison cell. So maybe abortion is a form of self defense. Defending the child by taking it's own life. Or defending the world by preventing a psychopathic murderer from being born? No one knows how the life of that child will turn out or what good can be done by allowing the child the chance to live. Maybe we just killed the cure for cancer.
So do I think the government should fund abortion in their government funded insurance plans. No. They never have before and I don't understand why people are getting all into an uproar about it like they are taking something away from them. Women can still have abortions. The government funded insurance plans won't pay for it. And really, how often do you need to have an abortion. It's not like they aren't going to cover your yearly physicals. This might be ignorant thinking on my part but who sits around thinking, hmmm, I might need to have an abortion this year. Now yes people do get pregnant and the pregnancy can turn out to be detrimental to both the woman and the fetus' life. If an abortion is not performed then both would die. So if a person is in that situation I would say that yes this might provide a serious problem for a person who can't afford to pay out of pocket for an abortion, thus leaving them in the same financial type of sink hole that this government funded health insurance plan is trying to prevent. So maybe I jumped the gun a little by saying NO right of the bat. Maybe the government should set limits on the abortions they will fund. It would have to be medically necessary to save the person's life if the abortion would be funded. Not an abortion of pure choice. By analogy I'm sure the government isn't going to be funding elective plastic surgery procedures.Otherwise, do I think it's a person's right to chose. Yes. Do I think there should be limits on what constitutes a legitimate reason for having an abortion, yes. I would never say that abortion should not be allowed because I never know when I or an person close to me will be in the situation where they feel that's the only choice they can make.
One more thing to think about, I have known people who have spoken about the fact that they've had abortions. Actually only two people. Both of them decided on the abortion, not because they truly wouldn't have been able to take care of the child, but because it would have been difficult for them. It would have been stressful and probably changed their lives forever in a direction they were not planning for. Deep down, and I know it's not my right to judge, I don't think those were good "legitimate" reasons for having an abortion. But I know if I had been placed in the same situation, knowing my family, and for me it would have been more of the social aspect that would be my main concern, what would people think of me, and reason for choosing an abortion. Now I can't say for sure that was the reason for those two ladies but really is that what it comes down to a lot of times? I don't think that is fair to the child. So now I have a new found respect for those people who, yes they made mistakes, they were probably careless and irresponsible, but they chose to own up and do the right think. They probably stood up for their beliefs when it would have been so easy to shell out 400 bucks or so and get rid of the problem and the shame forever. And that is probably not true because they will be living with that themselves forever, even if no one else knows. Even if they can continue their carefree lifestyle without having to change. I by no means do I think that every person who chooses to have an abortion has the same mindset.
That was my brain exercise for today. Maybe my opinion will change in a few years. As a doctor would I ever perform an abortion? I won't say no to that either. It would depend on the situation.
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Beach
So I discovered that there is actually a very very beautiful beach in Dominica. I can't believe I didn't know it was there before. And there I was telling everyone how nasty the beaches were here, with their black rocks for sand and murky waters. I'm sorry Dominica for slandering you.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
Learned to care
I was just thinking how much a think about what others think of me. And that lead to the notion that almost everything I do is because of another peroson, although I like to tell myself that's not true. If a really break down and get real with myself, I've lost myself. Not completly but so much of my individuality is inhibited. I long to break free. To experience life and all it has to offer. Do the best experiences always have to involve other people. Or can it be nature, events, music. No matter what, at some point life is so much about connections with other humans.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
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