Mr E called me from jamaica today just to see how i was doing. Very interesting...

Morning Conversations Part 3

Yes writing this all out helped me to see the truth. What he really wanted out of me. I guess I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and wanted to believe that there really is a guy out there who could just be interested in me, for me and just me, and the warm hole between my legs.

I'm sure he's out there somewhere, but honestly I have yet to meet him. Not one single guy that I have tried to get to know, hasn't made the attempt. I don't get it. I'm not saying guys are trying to get with me all the time. But to just have a friend. Even the one's that I call my friends now have gone there. I gues I just choose to let it go for the sake of our friendships which I hold more valuable than a single transgression.

But it really sucks. I mean it really does.

I'm getting older now I you'd think I've come to understand these things. And you'd think the guys would change. But they don't. It's still the SSDD. :-(

At the same time, though. I continue to give in. Even in though in the back of my mind I tell myself, I know this isn't going anywhere. And I can't say I want it just as much as they do because honestly, sex, the act itself, has never been that enjoyable for me. But still.

I feel like a 16 year old girl at times. I will just have to learn to be strong. To see through the crap and see the person for who he really is and what he really wants. Thats what I will do. I take it as a lesson learned.

Morning Conversations Part 2

Yes things went totally different than what I expected from Mr. E.

Ok I'm having a memory laps but I know he called me a few weeks later after not hearing from him at all. I usually send out holiday texts to mostly everyone in my contact list from my cell phone. Now I can't remember if he called me after I sent him this text or before. Maybe it was my texting him that prompted his phone call but anywhoo, he began texting me on a regular basis.

At the time I was still working for the test scoring company so basically we would text all day, I mean all day, back and forth. And I will admit it was nice. I liked the attention and I liked getting to know someone new and getting to make new first impressions. He seemed to really "digg" me.

Oh yea, he would tell me how unique I was and how much he wanted to get to know me and become friends. Yes yes yes. And friends, just friends that's all. He told me about his recent break up out of a six year relationship that had really messed him up. Oh and I fell for it yes yes yes. I just didn't know at the time I was falling for it. I thought it was all innocent and nice.

Then the talk got sexual. As you would expect. But it was cool at first just talk. Not really about sex between him and me. Just talk about what we like, what we don't like, what we've done and wanted to do. I liked that too. Then came the pictures. He sent me some pictures of him, and eventually he convinced me to do the same. Oh and he told me how "blessed" I was and what a nice body I had and how he wondered about me...

Damn looking back I don't see how I fell for it. It's so clear now. But I guess it was the SSDD. Yea Same shit different dude, different accent, different culture, just a different twist on the same crap guys always do when the want to bed you. The difference with him as that, he was very persistent. MMMHMM, and I guess that's what I liked.

When he started to suggest to me, in his subtle, and not so subtle ways that he wanted to have sex, or at least fool around or whatever, I told myself I wouldn't do it. Because I KNOW what happens. I would do it and we wouldn't be together and then I would just feel like shit. Another sex partner added to my list and for what? I had prided myself on having so few partners at the time (3) and I didn't want to increase that number. I kept telling myself I would " wait until I'm married" again. Yea like that worked the first time.

So I went down to MIA to visit my good friend and he and I met up. We just hung out, played some basketball (which was also the center point of many of our conversations) and went to eat at IHOP afterward. I just remember thinking how different he was. I wanted to sit next to me in the booth instead of across which was pretty much uncustomary for me. And I liked it, all of it. I liked how he dressed, how he look and spoke. The accent of course, that's always a killer for me.

He kept trying to get me to give him a hug, a good hug, in parking lot when he dropped me off. And that was it. I went back, spent the rest of my weekend with my friend and came home.

So we continued talking on the phone (at some point the texts had developed into additional daily phone calls) and I liked it. I got used to talking to him everyday and I would look forward to it. I mean, allot.

I went back to MIA again because my friend, who I had visited before, was graduating from med school. Awesome right, yea even more awesome because I would see Mr. E again. This time I stayed in hotel. Oh I told myself and everyone else that it was because her place would be to crowded with all her family being there. But somewhere in my subconscious I knew it was because I wanted to be alone with him.

And we were alone. The first night I got there he took me to this Jamaican spot. We ate, drank danced a little and talked. Then we went back to my room laid on the couch and watched tv. We had this little joke going about me being a vampire, (I had recently read Octavia Butler's Fledgling so I was all into that) and that next time I saw him I was going to bite him and turn him.

So while laying there on the couch, my head resting on his chest, he asked for his bite. I began to suck his neck, one of the things he had told me he loved, and then he kissed me. Then this all turned into a huge make out session on the floor. Which moved to some hot and heavy stuff in the bed. But fortunately I was on my period so we didn't have sex. Yey for me. I was strong I resisted... Syke!

The next time I came to MIA just to see him. I got a room. He came to the room. We chilled...more heavy petting, aka hand jobs, making out and what not. Then early the next morning whoops it slipped in. OMG his reaction was priceless. He acted like " Wow I can't believe that just happened, I'm sorry I didn't mean to take it that far" Now I won't lie it wasn't all on him. I encouraged it a bit. But for him to pretend like he didn't want it or he was trying not to let that happen, give me a freakin break.

So then we had sex. It was ok. he came pretty quick, I didn't come at all, as usual. And it was over. We did it a few more times over that weekend and then went to the beach the morning before I left. He doesn't like the water.

Then I wanted to see him again. But dammit I had done all that driving down there to see him I wanted him to come see me. I wanted him to come, desperately. And I let it show. I offered to pay his way and everything. He said no, in his gentlemanly way. Then I offered to pop down there and do some freakishly wonderfuly nasty things to him. And he said no, it was "last minute", his favorite thing to say.

Finally he suggested we meet half way. That's where Naples started. We got a room there, screwed all weekend and just hung out. This happened twice or maybe three times. Then I ended up going down there to see him again.

Each time I would seem him his niceness and gentlemanliness seemed to become less and less. As did the phone calls and texts. He would always want to take me somewhere, buy me something... which I usually turned down just to be nice, that started to go too. The last time I was there, he actually "fell asleep" and never showed up when he was supposed to meet me ( That was the weekend I wanted to surprise him with the Garmin, I had got for him). Its all correlated now that I look back. This all culminated in me telling him that I was in love with him. Am I, was I ? No. I just said it because I didn't like the fact he started talking to me less. He told me blatantly in the beginning that he didn't want a relationship, and that he wasn't as "perfect" as I thought. And he wasn't lying. But I don't know I guess I expected a different outcome since we had had sex. Next time when a guy straight up WARNS me, I'll listen.

So no more nightly conversations on the phone until we both fall asleep. No more daily after work calls while I'm driving to my phlebotomy class and he's on his way to play soccer. No more texting each other all day while we're at work. No more talking for 4 hours straight on lazy Sunday afternoons. Nope...that all came and then faded away. Over the course of about 6 months.

But there's still the Morning Conversations. The damned morning conversations are the most confusing and frustrating thing ever. A while back he asked me to call him in the mornings to wake him up since we both get up around the same time to go to work. I would. At first I would call every morning he would answer and say he would call me back. Then we'd talk on the phone while we both drove to work. Then he quite answering the calls so I just texted. And when I stopped doing either, he would make little comments like he expected me to still wake him up in the mornings. So now I just text him " Good morning" pretty much everyday that I'm going to work and he pretty much always calls me back to talk for about 15 to 20 minutes while we both drive to work. And this is constant.

Every morning although sometimes it's the only time we talk during the day. ( which i guess would be a bit much in any normal situation, I don't talk to any of my other friends that often, not even my mother...but if he didn't call I would be down for the whole day) Every morning.

I just don't get it. He quit talking to me all around, like we used to, like when I thought we were going to be the best of friends. But the calls are consistent. Why does he do it? I mean I don't live in his town so there's no guarantee that he's gonna get some booty if that's all he wants. I think most men would have abandoned it a long time ago and moved onto something more convenient.

Sometimes I think It's just something to do to keep himself awake while he drives.

I don't like him as much anymore. (Cuz he hurt my feewlings) But I'm still attached. My total and utter addiction to/ obsession with him is slowly fading away (Thank God). But I like the calls. And I have a feeling that If he doesn't call. I don't know. I would be relieved. Because that's what I would expect from him. From any man.

All he wanted was sex. And when he got it, the thrill of the chase was over. But I'm still here. So maybe they are just maintenance calls. It could be the fact that I'm moving down to MIA. Just wants to make sure he still has a chance. He's made certain comments like how he wants his birthday present from me to be some .. you know what. And how when I get down there I'm going to give him a massage...etc

And I don't say no. I never do.

Lease Signing

I signed the lease on my new condo today. I am very excited and nervous at the same time to be moving.

I welcome the change of scenery and hopefully I can make some changes with this new start.

I feel I will have more freedom when I move down.

I want to get my body, mind, and emotions into shape for when school starts.

It's going to be a long road.

Morning Conversations Part 1

Morning conversations with my "friend" Mr E. Ah yes Mr E put me through some thangs. Most of it was my own fault - due to my obsessive personality and my stupid naivety. We met through a friend of mine when he came up from miami to see her off as she was about to move to new york. Yes i had just then started my work of trying to increase my confidence and all that good stuff so when i was about to leave the club i asked him if he wanted to exchange numbers so that if i was in miami we could meet up. And by that i promise my intentions were pure. Dating was not on my mind and sex was even further. I was still relishing at that point in the joy of having finally gotten over my ex- thats a WHOLE other story. Any way i was just hoping that at most he could introduce me to some good raggae spots and at the least i would probably never hear from him again. And either was fine by me. I was
starting to enjoy being alone...but things went in a totally different direction...

It didnt burn it didnt burn yey!

I rushed into work super early because of me fears that i had burned the building down to a charred mass of rubble. When i got here however everything was just fine. I must have turned th hotplate off but I couldn't for the life of me remember.

It's funny how my memory can be so bad at times. This maked me question how much I can trust myself. Discrepencies may arise in my own perception of the way certain events took place and its kind of scary.

I really want to work on improving my memory.

Epilogue:

By the way I left the hotplate on overnight more than once. The second time I did it the glass bowl cracked and one of my co-workers found it that way. How embarrassing; sometimes I can be so careless.

Sleeping with my ex

So I'm sleeping with my ex again.

That's it though, just sleeping. (not exactly JUST sleeping-but there's no actual sex going in). As a matter of fact hes snoring next to me right as i type.

He was recently released from house arrest so I agreed to meet him to watch a movie two days ago...and that turned into him spending the night every night since. I'm not in the least bit interested in getting back together with him but he has made it pretty obvious that he wants me back. I have made it clear to him that it wont happen and he says that's OK, we can just be friends. I don't know, it feels wrong in a way but i guess I'm so lonely that my judgement is not at its best.

He also is not privy to the fact that I'm moving away in less than a month. I haven't told him out of spite. ...

Things like this are the reason I'm on my journey for self improvement. but at the same time we broke up so he really doesn't have the right to know about any thing that goes on in my life.

Can't Sleep

I cant sleep. Why cant I sleep? Because theres something on my mind. Right now I work in a lab doing various "analytical chemistry" tests. Anyway I was doing a test today which I had to use a ht plate for. Just as I was about to fall asleep i realized that I couldn't remember turning it off. There is nothing I can do at this hour though. I'll just have to see when I go to work tomorrow. I just pray the lab isn't burned to a crisp in the morning.

My Life Journey Part 1

This blog is about everything and anything that has to do with the journey of my life. In 2005 I decided that I wanted to become a doctor. Now, 2005 is not when my life started obviously ( I was actually born in 10984-good year), but it is when I made one of the most important decisions I have ever made. So I went through the whole torturous process of studying for the MCAT, taking the MCAT (3 times) and applying to several medical schools. Anyway, med schools like to ask you some interesting essay questions and a lot of them got me thinking They got me thinking really hard about who I am, the kind of person I want to be, and what kind of doctor I will make.

So I have finally been accepted to a medical school (sort of-I will get into that later) and I figure since it's going to take me 4 years to get the education I need to have the title MD after my name, I might as well take this time to also "find myself"' if you will.

I started reading some self help books, originally just to help myself out for the med school interview, and I found some of them so helpful that I wanted to use the to apply to my life in general. The book I am reading right now is call Celebrating Yourself. It about building up self esteem.

I'm trying to improve my body as well. I am not overweight. I have always been athletic and enjoy playing basketball. But now that I am working it has become more difficult to motivate myself to exercise. Thats another thing I want to do is get back into shape and stay fit.

I also have some other past issues I really need to face and deal with. I will probably need to get into some kind of therapy or counseling at some point along this journey.

So basically this blog will be just a daily open diary on my thoughts and observations about my self, other people, life in general and my journey to becoming a doctor.