Wake up.hit snooze. write down dream. sleep. wake up again. Write down my dreams. Roll over open up the laptop on the chair. Don't know what I'm looking for. Oh yea, Family Guy 60% Weeds 75 %. Internet wasn't working over night, damn. Mr. E calls. "Hello". Conversation consisting of how was your days? Lots of silence, lots of I can't hear you's and what did you says? Then have a good day. You too. Meanwhile I'm writing another dream I remembered and checking OKcupid. Checking out females all over the US. There are some really awesome people out there with their own quirky personalities. Inspiring me not to change my own to please anyone else. Just be me. I'll find someone I like and someone who likes me for me. Too bad none of these awesome people live anywhere near me. This is why I need to move travel visit other places. Now thinking about today. Anatomy practical this afternoon. I want pankcakes. Pancakes then study down to the last minute. Want to visit Dr. Caz** but apparently she is sick. More later.
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Friday, December 4, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Abortion?
Do I think that the government should fund abortions as an inclusion to the new health care reform?
Right off the bat without giving it much thought I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because I don't believe in abortion. But that statement isn't entirely true. I don't believe in abortion or rather think it's right in the same sense that I don't believe murder is right. Now to say that I don't believe murder is right is probably not true either. I would have to look at the reasons behind said murder. What motive did the person have in mind when they decided to take another human life. The same goes when I think of abortion.
I believe that if someone has the means to take care of the child to be born they should not have an abortion. Yes some people may struggle, and yes the child may have a hard life. But there are people born every day into this world living in similar situations. Do those people not deserve to be born because the life ahead of them would be difficult. Maybe we should go to those people, perhaps the ones who have been placed in foster care or suffered abuse throughout their lifetime because their mother's chose not to abort. If we asked them would they rather have never been born? What would they say. I imagine some would say yes. But I imagine the majority would say no. What about those that grow up to commit crimes themselves because of the harsh environment they were raised in. Should they have been killed before they even got the chance to think about committing evil acts?
These questions are too complex, too deep for anyone to come up with the answer to. But at the same time we come up with answers to these questions all the time. To kill someone is not illegal. We can kill someone in self defense and possibly never spend one second in a prison cell. So maybe abortion is a form of self defense. Defending the child by taking it's own life. Or defending the world by preventing a psychopathic murderer from being born? No one knows how the life of that child will turn out or what good can be done by allowing the child the chance to live. Maybe we just killed the cure for cancer.
So do I think the government should fund abortion in their government funded insurance plans. No. They never have before and I don't understand why people are getting all into an uproar about it like they are taking something away from them. Women can still have abortions. The government funded insurance plans won't pay for it. And really, how often do you need to have an abortion. It's not like they aren't going to cover your yearly physicals. This might be ignorant thinking on my part but who sits around thinking, hmmm, I might need to have an abortion this year. Now yes people do get pregnant and the pregnancy can turn out to be detrimental to both the woman and the fetus' life. If an abortion is not performed then both would die. So if a person is in that situation I would say that yes this might provide a serious problem for a person who can't afford to pay out of pocket for an abortion, thus leaving them in the same financial type of sink hole that this government funded health insurance plan is trying to prevent. So maybe I jumped the gun a little by saying NO right of the bat. Maybe the government should set limits on the abortions they will fund. It would have to be medically necessary to save the person's life if the abortion would be funded. Not an abortion of pure choice. By analogy I'm sure the government isn't going to be funding elective plastic surgery procedures.Otherwise, do I think it's a person's right to chose. Yes. Do I think there should be limits on what constitutes a legitimate reason for having an abortion, yes. I would never say that abortion should not be allowed because I never know when I or an person close to me will be in the situation where they feel that's the only choice they can make.
One more thing to think about, I have known people who have spoken about the fact that they've had abortions. Actually only two people. Both of them decided on the abortion, not because they truly wouldn't have been able to take care of the child, but because it would have been difficult for them. It would have been stressful and probably changed their lives forever in a direction they were not planning for. Deep down, and I know it's not my right to judge, I don't think those were good "legitimate" reasons for having an abortion. But I know if I had been placed in the same situation, knowing my family, and for me it would have been more of the social aspect that would be my main concern, what would people think of me, and reason for choosing an abortion. Now I can't say for sure that was the reason for those two ladies but really is that what it comes down to a lot of times? I don't think that is fair to the child. So now I have a new found respect for those people who, yes they made mistakes, they were probably careless and irresponsible, but they chose to own up and do the right think. They probably stood up for their beliefs when it would have been so easy to shell out 400 bucks or so and get rid of the problem and the shame forever. And that is probably not true because they will be living with that themselves forever, even if no one else knows. Even if they can continue their carefree lifestyle without having to change. I by no means do I think that every person who chooses to have an abortion has the same mindset.
That was my brain exercise for today. Maybe my opinion will change in a few years. As a doctor would I ever perform an abortion? I won't say no to that either. It would depend on the situation.
Right off the bat without giving it much thought I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because I don't believe in abortion. But that statement isn't entirely true. I don't believe in abortion or rather think it's right in the same sense that I don't believe murder is right. Now to say that I don't believe murder is right is probably not true either. I would have to look at the reasons behind said murder. What motive did the person have in mind when they decided to take another human life. The same goes when I think of abortion.
I believe that if someone has the means to take care of the child to be born they should not have an abortion. Yes some people may struggle, and yes the child may have a hard life. But there are people born every day into this world living in similar situations. Do those people not deserve to be born because the life ahead of them would be difficult. Maybe we should go to those people, perhaps the ones who have been placed in foster care or suffered abuse throughout their lifetime because their mother's chose not to abort. If we asked them would they rather have never been born? What would they say. I imagine some would say yes. But I imagine the majority would say no. What about those that grow up to commit crimes themselves because of the harsh environment they were raised in. Should they have been killed before they even got the chance to think about committing evil acts?
These questions are too complex, too deep for anyone to come up with the answer to. But at the same time we come up with answers to these questions all the time. To kill someone is not illegal. We can kill someone in self defense and possibly never spend one second in a prison cell. So maybe abortion is a form of self defense. Defending the child by taking it's own life. Or defending the world by preventing a psychopathic murderer from being born? No one knows how the life of that child will turn out or what good can be done by allowing the child the chance to live. Maybe we just killed the cure for cancer.
So do I think the government should fund abortion in their government funded insurance plans. No. They never have before and I don't understand why people are getting all into an uproar about it like they are taking something away from them. Women can still have abortions. The government funded insurance plans won't pay for it. And really, how often do you need to have an abortion. It's not like they aren't going to cover your yearly physicals. This might be ignorant thinking on my part but who sits around thinking, hmmm, I might need to have an abortion this year. Now yes people do get pregnant and the pregnancy can turn out to be detrimental to both the woman and the fetus' life. If an abortion is not performed then both would die. So if a person is in that situation I would say that yes this might provide a serious problem for a person who can't afford to pay out of pocket for an abortion, thus leaving them in the same financial type of sink hole that this government funded health insurance plan is trying to prevent. So maybe I jumped the gun a little by saying NO right of the bat. Maybe the government should set limits on the abortions they will fund. It would have to be medically necessary to save the person's life if the abortion would be funded. Not an abortion of pure choice. By analogy I'm sure the government isn't going to be funding elective plastic surgery procedures.Otherwise, do I think it's a person's right to chose. Yes. Do I think there should be limits on what constitutes a legitimate reason for having an abortion, yes. I would never say that abortion should not be allowed because I never know when I or an person close to me will be in the situation where they feel that's the only choice they can make.
One more thing to think about, I have known people who have spoken about the fact that they've had abortions. Actually only two people. Both of them decided on the abortion, not because they truly wouldn't have been able to take care of the child, but because it would have been difficult for them. It would have been stressful and probably changed their lives forever in a direction they were not planning for. Deep down, and I know it's not my right to judge, I don't think those were good "legitimate" reasons for having an abortion. But I know if I had been placed in the same situation, knowing my family, and for me it would have been more of the social aspect that would be my main concern, what would people think of me, and reason for choosing an abortion. Now I can't say for sure that was the reason for those two ladies but really is that what it comes down to a lot of times? I don't think that is fair to the child. So now I have a new found respect for those people who, yes they made mistakes, they were probably careless and irresponsible, but they chose to own up and do the right think. They probably stood up for their beliefs when it would have been so easy to shell out 400 bucks or so and get rid of the problem and the shame forever. And that is probably not true because they will be living with that themselves forever, even if no one else knows. Even if they can continue their carefree lifestyle without having to change. I by no means do I think that every person who chooses to have an abortion has the same mindset.
That was my brain exercise for today. Maybe my opinion will change in a few years. As a doctor would I ever perform an abortion? I won't say no to that either. It would depend on the situation.
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Beach
So I discovered that there is actually a very very beautiful beach in Dominica. I can't believe I didn't know it was there before. And there I was telling everyone how nasty the beaches were here, with their black rocks for sand and murky waters. I'm sorry Dominica for slandering you.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.
I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.
He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.
It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.
Learned to care
I was just thinking how much a think about what others think of me. And that lead to the notion that almost everything I do is because of another peroson, although I like to tell myself that's not true. If a really break down and get real with myself, I've lost myself. Not completly but so much of my individuality is inhibited. I long to break free. To experience life and all it has to offer. Do the best experiences always have to involve other people. Or can it be nature, events, music. No matter what, at some point life is so much about connections with other humans.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.
So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.
I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.
Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.
Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.
I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Lady Crush
Gina Gershon. My new lady crush. So I've been watching tv every night to get me to fall asleep without having a thousand other thoughts running through my mind. One night the 1996 movie Bound comes on HBO/Showtime or whatever movie channel, and costarring in it with Jennifer Tilly is Gina Gershon. She is incredibly hot in this movie, for whatever reason, maybe it was that crazy mouth and her sideways smile or her body structure and her dykie gait. Probably a combination of all of those features. Since then I've been trying to get my eyes on any movie of hers that I possibly can. I've watched a few so far; Palmetto, Prey for Rock and Roll, Cocktail (I couldn't watch the whole thing, just skimmed through her scenes), and Borderline. She's been in a alot other movies and television shows, not very many major roles, but she's a pretty decent actress. I liker her. I had also seen her in a movie a while back, not realizing it then, the one with Jessie from Saved by the Bell -I forgot the name of it-but my lady crush hadn't come out then, only after Bound. Unfortunatly she isn't as hot in her more recent movies (except Prey) probably because she's gettin older and it seems to me she may have had some work done on her face which just makes her look wierd. But OH Gina! Bound is definetly my favorite I think I've watched it like 3 or 4 times already. Sick, I know, but that's me what can I say.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Semester Dos & The Break
So I'm back. Back in Dom, on the rock , in the jungle. Here to stay, thank the Lord, for another 4 months. Then it seems it will be another crap shoot. Wow I can't believe I haven't blogged since July. That's a whole month.
I went home for the break, funds provided by my wonderful & loving biological father (of 7, yes 7, I found that out also over the break when I visited my half sister who is now attending my almamater). Stayed over in PR in some hot humid mustay assed hotel called the Coqui Inn. Interesting. And got home. My people where over an hour late coming to get me but that's to be expected. But damn it was nice to be back in "civilization". I'm not trying to talk down on Dominica or the people here but there are certain things that I have grown accustomed to and grown to appreciate in my life that this tiny Island just does not provide. So that Saturday we get there go to my Bro & sis school to pick them up and we eat dinner there. Then we go to my auntie's house because she has a cake for me and pizza and it's like a little welcoem back get together. Just us. And then things get...strange.
Someone there stands up and says, Hey I've been having a problem for a while and I want to talk to you about it. And what's going through my head...maybe he's on drugs, or he spent all his money in the stock market or maybe he got some girl pregnant. These are the normal things you would expect right? Nope it turns out he's been having a problem distinguishing what's real and what is not. So I'm still thinking it's drugs. Long story short...he starts saying a lot of wierd things that don't make any sense such as he thinks he is God & the Devil. It turns out he's had a psychotic break. An actual Psychotic break. We don't find this out until Monday when he has to be Baker acted at the hospital. It was a long hectic few days. And I'm sure worse for him because he was there almost 2 weeks. But that is for another blog another day.
So that was the most of the break. I still couldn't drive so I didn't get to visit with my friends as much as I wanted. I messed up my knee again playing ball. Sis lent me a lot of money, which I have payed her back. But we got into some arguements. And I'm still pretty pissed at her now, but not about that. Hmmm anyway my major consern besides the health issue that I spoke of earlier was getting to come back for second semester. NJ kept telling me I would have to pay the entire 13,336 some odd dollars before I could come down, although before they said I would have to pay atleast half. So I'm email hounding the crap out of my bio Dad and he sends me 7 grand. Of course the transfer doesn't arrive until Tuesday after I get back down here, which was on Monday. So I go into check in on Tuesday, the Bursar pulls up my account and tells me I'll have to pay 25% of what I owe before I can start classes. That's a big drop down from 100%. These people are just assholes. So I pay around $3400 and I'm good to go. I'll just have to make more payments from the rest of the 7thousand and my refund check which I haven't got yet.
A few days ago I got an e-mail from Sallie Mae saying that my graduate plus loan for spring is NOT APPROVED. So it seems just when things where looking up, the sagga continues. Like my Mommy told be over the break, life is a series of storms. You are either just getting out of one or about to go into another one. And it seems my next storm is ready & waiting.
Ah my poor Mom. I know she wanted to break down during this whole thing. But she was strong and stood fast and everything turned out somewhat ok for now.
Since I've been back, oh I got straight A's by the way, 4.0 thank you very much. Nique and I had a break at the end of the semester. He tried to feel my up while I was asleep in his bed so I left and told him I was upset about it. Neway we didn't really talk after that. But when I got back I decided to talk to him again. But I can tell I've been getting on his nerves lately. Partially on purpose, partially just being my crazy old selfe. And I think he's loosing his "interest" in me. This cat had the audacity to tell me he had some chick come visit him over the break and they hooked up. HAHA. but he actually thinks I would get with him. I noticed he is most persistant when he is drunk or online. Never sober while in person. Interesting. He's not serious. Sometimes I wish I were a man so I could do these things and have no conscience about them.
Oh and I saw Mr. E on my flight back I stopped over in MIA for about 6 hours. He was an hour late on pickign me up. We didn't have sex as I told him we wouldn't. I believe he did something with someone on his trip to Jamaica. And I'm pretty sure he's been doing something with someone in MIA. But se la vi. I sent him a harddrive from best buy that he scolded me for but immediatly installed when he picked it up then failed to call me back until the next morning only after I bitched at him for not calling me or texting me back the night before. Which may have cost me my relationship with my sis. It probably hasn't it just depends on whether or not I decide to start talking to her like normal again. Gosh I'm so sick of people all of them. I know humans are not perfect but shoot. Sometimes I would rather just be alone. Which I could be very easily. It just sucks because I know I'm gonna need them someday for something so. I'll have to deal. I'm just tired of trying to be something I'm not. I also feel like people are so shallow. That our relationships are so shallow. Or maybe it's just mine.
I feel like I really don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I do, but I feel like the old me is no longer me anymore. I am no longer that playful humorous imaginitive kid who could think outside of the box. But I'm still not the mature all knowing woman I want to be. I'm just something in the middle which seems not to satisfactory for anyone including myself. I need to spend more time exploring life rather than wondering what other people think of me all the time. It get's annoying. And I also need to spend more time studying if I want to pull off the good grades I did last semester. So time to say adios to all my fictional readers out there. I will be back another day to satisfy your thirst for more stories from my boring life.
I went home for the break, funds provided by my wonderful & loving biological father (of 7, yes 7, I found that out also over the break when I visited my half sister who is now attending my almamater). Stayed over in PR in some hot humid mustay assed hotel called the Coqui Inn. Interesting. And got home. My people where over an hour late coming to get me but that's to be expected. But damn it was nice to be back in "civilization". I'm not trying to talk down on Dominica or the people here but there are certain things that I have grown accustomed to and grown to appreciate in my life that this tiny Island just does not provide. So that Saturday we get there go to my Bro & sis school to pick them up and we eat dinner there. Then we go to my auntie's house because she has a cake for me and pizza and it's like a little welcoem back get together. Just us. And then things get...strange.
Someone there stands up and says, Hey I've been having a problem for a while and I want to talk to you about it. And what's going through my head...maybe he's on drugs, or he spent all his money in the stock market or maybe he got some girl pregnant. These are the normal things you would expect right? Nope it turns out he's been having a problem distinguishing what's real and what is not. So I'm still thinking it's drugs. Long story short...he starts saying a lot of wierd things that don't make any sense such as he thinks he is God & the Devil. It turns out he's had a psychotic break. An actual Psychotic break. We don't find this out until Monday when he has to be Baker acted at the hospital. It was a long hectic few days. And I'm sure worse for him because he was there almost 2 weeks. But that is for another blog another day.
So that was the most of the break. I still couldn't drive so I didn't get to visit with my friends as much as I wanted. I messed up my knee again playing ball. Sis lent me a lot of money, which I have payed her back. But we got into some arguements. And I'm still pretty pissed at her now, but not about that. Hmmm anyway my major consern besides the health issue that I spoke of earlier was getting to come back for second semester. NJ kept telling me I would have to pay the entire 13,336 some odd dollars before I could come down, although before they said I would have to pay atleast half. So I'm email hounding the crap out of my bio Dad and he sends me 7 grand. Of course the transfer doesn't arrive until Tuesday after I get back down here, which was on Monday. So I go into check in on Tuesday, the Bursar pulls up my account and tells me I'll have to pay 25% of what I owe before I can start classes. That's a big drop down from 100%. These people are just assholes. So I pay around $3400 and I'm good to go. I'll just have to make more payments from the rest of the 7thousand and my refund check which I haven't got yet.
A few days ago I got an e-mail from Sallie Mae saying that my graduate plus loan for spring is NOT APPROVED. So it seems just when things where looking up, the sagga continues. Like my Mommy told be over the break, life is a series of storms. You are either just getting out of one or about to go into another one. And it seems my next storm is ready & waiting.
Ah my poor Mom. I know she wanted to break down during this whole thing. But she was strong and stood fast and everything turned out somewhat ok for now.
Since I've been back, oh I got straight A's by the way, 4.0 thank you very much. Nique and I had a break at the end of the semester. He tried to feel my up while I was asleep in his bed so I left and told him I was upset about it. Neway we didn't really talk after that. But when I got back I decided to talk to him again. But I can tell I've been getting on his nerves lately. Partially on purpose, partially just being my crazy old selfe. And I think he's loosing his "interest" in me. This cat had the audacity to tell me he had some chick come visit him over the break and they hooked up. HAHA. but he actually thinks I would get with him. I noticed he is most persistant when he is drunk or online. Never sober while in person. Interesting. He's not serious. Sometimes I wish I were a man so I could do these things and have no conscience about them.
Oh and I saw Mr. E on my flight back I stopped over in MIA for about 6 hours. He was an hour late on pickign me up. We didn't have sex as I told him we wouldn't. I believe he did something with someone on his trip to Jamaica. And I'm pretty sure he's been doing something with someone in MIA. But se la vi. I sent him a harddrive from best buy that he scolded me for but immediatly installed when he picked it up then failed to call me back until the next morning only after I bitched at him for not calling me or texting me back the night before. Which may have cost me my relationship with my sis. It probably hasn't it just depends on whether or not I decide to start talking to her like normal again. Gosh I'm so sick of people all of them. I know humans are not perfect but shoot. Sometimes I would rather just be alone. Which I could be very easily. It just sucks because I know I'm gonna need them someday for something so. I'll have to deal. I'm just tired of trying to be something I'm not. I also feel like people are so shallow. That our relationships are so shallow. Or maybe it's just mine.
I feel like I really don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I do, but I feel like the old me is no longer me anymore. I am no longer that playful humorous imaginitive kid who could think outside of the box. But I'm still not the mature all knowing woman I want to be. I'm just something in the middle which seems not to satisfactory for anyone including myself. I need to spend more time exploring life rather than wondering what other people think of me all the time. It get's annoying. And I also need to spend more time studying if I want to pull off the good grades I did last semester. So time to say adios to all my fictional readers out there. I will be back another day to satisfy your thirst for more stories from my boring life.
Cancer
Cancer cells are awesome. I aspire to be like one one day. Cancer cells say to hell with all these rules and regulations. Cancer cells say, hey I'm going to divide when I want to, I'm going to go where I want to, I'll even have as many chromosomes and nuclel as I want to and I don't care who I hurt on the way. Screw the cell cycle and all of it's check points I'm a rebel. As a matter of fact I don't care if I destroy the whole system that is supporting my existance. Hmmmm. Maybe I don't want to be a cancer cell. But they're still awesome.
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