Dominica the Beginning

Here I am, I've finally decided to post again. Why am I so bad at these things? Hmmm if I really think about it hard...probably because no one is making me do it. I have to make myself do it and making myself do things is not one of my strong points. But I am going to try, although I don't have much time these days. Well, I shouldn't have much time but as much time as I waste doing other things I'm not supposed to I might as well waste it updating my blog.

So I'm here in Dominica, I've been here since May 4th I think. A lot has happened since I've been here school wise. Relationship, life, exciting stuff wise not so much.

Mommy and I got here, she helped me get settled though I was resenting the amount of control she was trying to have over things, I wanted to do my own thing. In hindsight though I'm glad she came and glad she helped me find my place because at first I was strongly considering staying in this little cottage, which was really cute, almost like a cluster of small little houses, that my friend from the prep program was staying in. Upon further consideration and discussing it with Mommy however I decided not too & boy am I glad. Damn, it turns out the place is so far away from campus and had so many problems my friend (Ms. E) and all but two of the people she originally moved in with have moved again. Thought: I would have moved there just because she was moving there and it was easy convenient and somewhat cheap and had the security of being there with people I knew and probably ended up regretting it. Hmm Really must think things through a lot further before making decisions based on other people. But I'm getting better at it really.

The Med School Thing:So I had the 1st and 2nd exams along with one anatomy & histology practical each and I got all A's & Bs which is good, but I don't have that feeling like a really earned it. I still feel like im just skating by and not really putting in the hard effort that I know I'm capable of , thus I feel like I'm not achieving my full potential still. I know this is bad now because I'm not just doing this for the grades anymore, I'm doing it because these are the things I need to know to be a doctor. I'm still learning though but I'm not at the level that I want to be, that Ben Carson Level I aspire to be at.

Money Issues: I also still am not able to get the loan to pay of the Prep Program tuition. They let me start the 1st semester on a contingency that I would make payments on the tuition and have a good chunk of it paid off at the end of this 1st 4 month semester. But I have not made a single damn payment. The school has already put holds on my registering for the next semester. What am I going to do. I don't know I am just praying that things work out. So my plan when I started was to take the refund money that I had to pay off all of the derogatory things that were on my credit holding me back from getting the loan on a stand alone basis. So I did that, I also spent over $1000 on books and random stuff that I wanted to have sent down here. I spent around $300-$400 dollars on some subwoofers, amp & stereo for Mr. E's car (that's another issue I will get to) and now I'm pretty much broke. I have spent money here on food and other random things since I've been here. I have about $50EC or so left to my name (less than $25 US). Well that is not exactly true, but I'm still broke. I'm waiting on a loan increase for the cost of my laptop & tomorrow I'm just going to straight up go to Financial Aid tell them my situation and pray they will allow me to borrow more money so I can at least buy my plane ticket to get off this God forsaken island for the semester break. And then just hope I can come back. My other options may be transferring to another school or I don't know this really sucks. I made some bad decisions in hopes that everything would work out and knowing in the back of my mind that my parents or someone will be there to bail me out and I just don't know if it's going to work this time.

Relationships: Well me and my sister M are getting closer. Last night she actually asked me for advice about dating. Crazy huh. I mean I don't even have the whole thing down myself. But who really does. People just make up rules and if they believe they work then they follow them and advise others to. I gave her my best advice which was don't go out with strange men you meet online or in grocery stores, don't sleep with them at least for as long as possible, and just be friends and don't force it. Yes I never really had this type of talk with anyone until it was too late. I mean I knew a few things but I was quite naive up until Mr. E actually. Now I might just be jaded an sour but oh well, better safe than sorry.

Mr. E. He and I have still been talking since I've been down here almost everyday. Before I left the MIA I wrote him this long letter about how I was in love with him and how I wanted to be with him and if he would just try to trust me and get over his issues and give me a chance and yadda yadda. I even cried when I was with him one of the last nights (that was real). I just don't know what to think about this guy. I honestly can't figure him out. I don't know if I'm really in love with him or if I just don't want him to fuck anybody else. I mean, I like him and if we were to date that would be nice. Marriage and anything further than that, I don't think he's everything that I want ideally but will I ever really have that, If I were to settle it would definitely be a step up from Mr.S. Hell yea. I mean I just compare the two and well, all I can say is ignorance is bliss. I had no idea what I was missing with my ex. Just basic things that he never did or that I didn't even know could be done, like bringing me gifts randomly, cooking for me, nice little things like that. I suppose everyone has there own style but S was disrespectful to me, he honestly treated me like crap at times and I did the same in return. It would have never worked. But sometimes I sit and think about the all the good times we had despite the bullshit. How we just clicked and I could be totally myself around him 100%. Craziness and all. He was bringing me down though. And my other doggy died. Kidney failure. Mr S was supposed to be taking care of him for me. Oh goodness that reminds me of all the drama that happened between him and me from MIA up until now but that's for another post.

Back to Mr. E. So we have been talking regularly and I actually had plans to stop in MIA for a couple of days on my break to see him. But now I'm weary. First of all I feel like he's probably been having sex with someone else. And I just loath the thought of having sex with him while he's doing someone else at the same time. It just really turns me off for some reason. I'm also weary because I think the only reason he's keeping up with talking to me this whole time is because he wants to fuck me again. I think this for several reasons. First of all this goes way back to when I was in Tampa & how he almost stopped talking to me (see morning conversations post) after we had done the Naples thing a few times until he found out I was coming to MIA. Then he started back up again. When I was in MIA he would come over almost every weekend, but rarely on weekdays (another reason I think he may have been doing someone else). Ok so one day I decided to test him out and not talk to him as much for a few days or act like I didn't want to talk to see if he would just give up or whatever. He eventually called me out and said something along the lines of, " I guess whatever good you saw in me is lost" some thing like that. I responded in saying that I'm not fooling myself any more and I'm just going to get over you because I know you don't want me. So then he came out and said that basically he has feelings for me that's why he always calls but he has his trust issues and he doesn't want me to wait around for him. Blah Blah Blah. Do I believe him. I want to but deep down inside no. I think he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear. His words are nice but nothing in his actions makes me believe him. We are both just playing a game here. And I wonder why. Why Why Why. Mr. S and I, (well at least I didn't at first) never played these games. Not like that. He played me but I didn't do it to him in return.

I wonder if Mr. E knows I'm playing. He probably honestly doesn't trust me, he might have issues. But that won't stop him from playing his game. Then I think though, why keep doing it for so long if it's really so fake, I mean if it's all about sex I'm sure he can get it somewhere else. He can't be that disperate. That leads me to my other reason why I think it's all about the sex. I sort of hinted to him that I might not be able to come to MIA because of my being broke issues and he was very adamant about me coming there. His cell phone broke and I was sort of hinting that I was thinking of getting him a new one. And he kept saying no no save your money so I can see you when you come back to the country. One day he even said to me " I need, not want, need to see you if you come to this country" That actually kind of creeped me out. On one side it's nice, maybe he just misses me and wants to see me. Or maybe he is just one horny bastard. Either way I just don't know.

Sometimes I feel dumb, like, am I supposed to know these things. At this age you think I'd be able to read people. And part of me can. I know a huge majority of it is the sex. That's obvious. But I'm wondering if there truly is something else. And even if there was. Is it worth it. I want the real thing someone who just wants me for me. And Mr E and Mr S aint it. Sigh

Other folks. So there's my one "friend" that I made from the Prep Program. She is the only person that I can say truly feels like a friend but we aren't even that close. I guess I just assume if something crazy happens she would probably be there to help me out and I the same. This is the same one I said I had my gay feelings for in an earlier post (don't feel that way anymore by the way). I'll just call her Ms. E. So anyway we hung out and were studying a lot more when we first got here but lately we have started to branch our separate ways more. She actually has always been like that especially once we got to the Island. There was this one time when I was sure she had stopped talking to me for some reason. I guess I was just paranoid and I finally chalked it up to studying stress or whatever. Yea, I tend to forget that the world doesn't revolve around me. So we are cool we even hung out after the second exam and went to the "movies" just this past Friday. I would say that I need to find new friends but I don't really I just need to study my ass off. But last night I was walking across campus with my other new and interesting "friend", Nique and I saw her and another lady I know from the Prep Program Regina walking together. I called out Ms. E's name and she barely responded. They were both walking really fast to the print center dragging their little backpacks on wheels one after the other. Regina responded as expected a loud "Hey (my name)" but Ms E barely said anything. At first I was like OMG what did I do now is it bc I'm walking w/ Nique or maybe bc I'm studying w/ other people. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm really wanting to slap myself in the face for being such and insecure loser. Really. I really need help literally. No one day I'm going to put myself into therapy if I can. I mean it's probably not that bad, at least I've learned not to obsess over these thoughts (and people) like I used to when I was younger. I was really bad. So that's Ms E.

Then there is Maria. Another girl I knew from Prep, we sit next to each other almost everyday in class now. She is a nice sweet girl (not like that just in general) any who. I just don't feel like I am getting close to anyone. It's probably because I don't open up to them though. But I don't really want to . And maybe deep down inside I don't want them to either. But I would be nice to have one or two friends like the ones I had from high school/ college down here. It gets pretty lonely. I'm not a lot of friend type person. Just one or two. But I also don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone or trying to spend too much time around that one person like a stalker or some thing. So I really distance myself. Like V, I hardly talk to her anymore. Although I did really feel like she was cool people. And other people I thought were cool from the prep program. I've hardly gotten to know and even fewer new people from the Island. It's so bad I realized they didn't even know how to say my name after the first exam beach bash thing. Sigh Sigh Sigh.

All of the improvements I wanted to make on myself are not going very well. But sometimes I feel like I don't care. I mean I would like to get to know these people but I also don't feel like it's my main priority. I just wish I had a friend or two that would just fall into place naturally.

I've been even worse with keeping up with my friends from home. OMG. Some of them I haven't even spoken to since I've been here. I'm just a bad friend all around. But hell they don't call me either.

That finally brings me to Nique. Yes my new friend Nique. He was in the Prep program and we talked like "hello" every once in a while or just short general talk about school. Right before the 2nd exam though I just randomly saw him and asked him if he wanted to go over some stuff together. Not because I was interested or anything like that just because I thought he was smart and wanted to see how much he knew. Turns out he is pretty smart no genius or Mr. Chiropractor (one guy in my class used to be a chiropractor so he seems to know everything already and i wanted to study with him but he said no :-() or anything but he's about at my level which is cool because I haven't met anyone to study with like that yet except maybe Janet but I'm not sure. SO we studied that one time then I called him after the mini to see how he did, I saw him at one of the little bar parties after the mini he bought me a beer, he was drunk, we talked for a while, and we have gotten together with a few other people to study as a group the past 2 weekends. Well at first I thought he was in to me, more than just friends type of thing, which I liked that but now I'm not so sure, because yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, which was rather disappointing because as I'm spending more time with him I'm actually starting to like him. It's not a big deal though I think we may end up being good friends. He bought me pizza last night & as a matter of fact he just now texted invited me to eat Chinese this evening. Which I replied it sounds good but I'm broke and I don't want to keep eating up your money. Maybe some would say that's not a good thing to say don't let people know about your money issues. But I already told him all about it yesterday so now he knows. Any way. He seems like cool peoples. The only thing I don't like is that he has a lot on his plate friendship wise. He reminds me of Jaeson in that way. Tries to be friends with everyone and that leaves less time for me. ;-) But oh well that is just how some people are. Better take what I can get.

So now I am done blogging for now because it's been about an hour and I haven't studied a lick of anything all day but at least I won't have an excuse to not keep up with blogging anymore.