Abortion?

Do I think that the government should fund abortions as an inclusion to the new health care reform?

Right off the bat without giving it much thought I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because I don't believe in abortion. But that statement isn't entirely true. I don't believe in abortion or rather think it's right in the same sense that I don't believe murder is right. Now to say that I don't believe murder is right is probably not true either. I would have to look at the reasons behind said murder. What motive did the person have in mind when they decided to take another human life. The same goes when I think of abortion.

I believe that if someone has the means to take care of the child to be born they should not have an abortion. Yes some people may struggle, and yes the child may have a hard life. But there are people born every day into this world living in similar situations. Do those people not deserve to be born because the life ahead of them would be difficult. Maybe we should go to those people, perhaps the ones who have been placed in foster care or suffered abuse throughout their lifetime because their mother's chose not to abort. If we asked them would they rather have never been born? What would they say. I imagine some would say yes. But I imagine the majority would say no. What about those that grow up to commit crimes themselves because of the harsh environment they were raised in. Should they have been killed before they even got the chance to think about committing evil acts?

These questions are too complex, too deep for anyone to come up with the answer to. But at the same time we come up with answers to these questions all the time. To kill someone is not illegal. We can kill someone in self defense and possibly never spend one second in a prison cell. So maybe abortion is a form of self defense. Defending the child by taking it's own life. Or defending the world by preventing a psychopathic murderer from being born? No one knows how the life of that child will turn out or what good can be done by allowing the child the chance to live. Maybe we just killed the cure for cancer.

So do I think the government should fund abortion in their government funded insurance plans. No. They never have before and I don't understand why people are getting all into an uproar about it like they are taking something away from them. Women can still have abortions. The government funded insurance plans won't pay for it. And really, how often do you need to have an abortion. It's not like they aren't going to cover your yearly physicals. This might be ignorant thinking on my part but who sits around thinking, hmmm, I might need to have an abortion this year. Now yes people do get pregnant and the pregnancy can turn out to be detrimental to both the woman and the fetus' life. If an abortion is not performed then both would die. So if a person is in that situation I would say that yes this might provide a serious problem for a person who can't afford to pay out of pocket for an abortion, thus leaving them in the same financial type of sink hole that this government funded health insurance plan is trying to prevent. So maybe I jumped the gun a little by saying NO right of the bat. Maybe the government should set limits on the abortions they will fund. It would have to be medically necessary to save the person's life if the abortion would be funded. Not an abortion of pure choice. By analogy I'm sure the government isn't going to be funding elective plastic surgery procedures.Otherwise, do I think it's a person's right to chose. Yes. Do I think there should be limits on what constitutes a legitimate reason for having an abortion, yes. I would never say that abortion should not be allowed because I never know when I or an person close to me will be in the situation where they feel that's the only choice they can make.

One more thing to think about, I have known people who have spoken about the fact that they've had abortions. Actually only two people. Both of them decided on the abortion, not because they truly wouldn't have been able to take care of the child, but because it would have been difficult for them. It would have been stressful and probably changed their lives forever in a direction they were not planning for. Deep down, and I know it's not my right to judge, I don't think those were good "legitimate" reasons for having an abortion. But I know if I had been placed in the same situation, knowing my family, and for me it would have been more of the social aspect that would be my main concern, what would people think of me, and reason for choosing an abortion. Now I can't say for sure that was the reason for those two ladies but really is that what it comes down to a lot of times? I don't think that is fair to the child. So now I have a new found respect for those people who, yes they made mistakes, they were probably careless and irresponsible, but they chose to own up and do the right think. They probably stood up for their beliefs when it would have been so easy to shell out 400 bucks or so and get rid of the problem and the shame forever. And that is probably not true because they will be living with that themselves forever, even if no one else knows. Even if they can continue their carefree lifestyle without having to change. I by no means do I think that every person who chooses to have an abortion has the same mindset.

That was my brain exercise for today. Maybe my opinion will change in a few years. As a doctor would I ever perform an abortion? I won't say no to that either. It would depend on the situation.

The Beach

So I discovered that there is actually a very very beautiful beach in Dominica. I can't believe I didn't know it was there before. And there I was telling everyone how nasty the beaches were here, with their black rocks for sand and murky waters. I'm sorry Dominica for slandering you.

On my way back from an organized event which I volunteered to help, I was walking along the road and saw the most beautiful site. Lovely blue water, sand, bright clear blue sky speckled with misty white clouds. And I decided I could not pass this place by and not even put my feet in the water. So I did. And since hardly one else was around , and this is really all my own world anyway, I ended up swimming in my bra and shorts. It was lovely the water felt great. I didn't want to leave. So I didn't.

I went back up on the sand, put my t-shirt back on and pulled out my notes to prep for my physiology tutoring that afternoon. Basking in the sun. Reading my notes, glancing up every now and then to admire the little boats floating on the water. Lah lah lah. Enjoying the near solitude. And I mean really, this was a pretty long shoreline, there was another couple of guys, to friends probably, one of them a professor they had they came onto the beach but walked down a little ways to find their own space. Makes sense right. I didn't look like I wanted to be bothered. Actually some random guy drove by and stopped to ask me if he could help me study. Of course I replied with a polite "No thank you". I really was having the best time until out of no where this skinny local comes splashing along the edge of the beach. Kicking the water. At first I thought, oh some guy passing through, hope he leaves soon so I can finish enjoying myself alone without any annoying distractions. But I cam to the quick observation that this man obviously had some kind of mental deficit, when he decided to take a piss right in front of me some 10 or 15 feet away. I was still optimistic. I thought ok he's retarded he doesn't know any better, can't get, mad hopefully he will keep on walking. But of course, no.

He kept kicking the water defiantly, and then looking at me each time he did it. He was waiting for some type of response obviously. Well me being the smart person that I am just ignored him and hoped that would solve the problem. Nope. He kept coming closer to me. Eventually he plopped down on the sand right next to me. So now I'm like, ok what the fuck does he want? But I just looked at him and said Hi? He didn't respond he just looked back at me. The he lays belly down on the sand and like...pulls his pants down in front. I couldn't see anything but I was thinking is this motherfucker about masturbate in the sand next to me? Hell no. And that ruined my beach time. I got up disgusted and walked over to collect my things and go. Now he couldn't have been that diminished because as soon as I got up so did he. He went to the water and started to wash the dirt off of himself. Asshole. Maybe I should have sat back down. Maybe I should have told him NO GO AWAY. How would my day have ended up then.

It was okthough. I walked home, and it was a VERY long walk, and actually got some studying done. Maybe there was a reason for all that happening. Maybe not.

Learned to care

I was just thinking how much a think about what others think of me. And that lead to the notion that almost everything I do is because of another peroson, although I like to tell myself that's not true. If a really break down and get real with myself, I've lost myself. Not completly but so much of my individuality is inhibited. I long to break free. To experience life and all it has to offer. Do the best experiences always have to involve other people. Or can it be nature, events, music. No matter what, at some point life is so much about connections with other humans.

But at times, a lot I feel like I am not ever able to truly connect or be truly me with anyone. This could be normal, maybe everyone is that way but I'd never know because I can't get into anyone else's head. Maybe I should just let go. Stop caring. And start caring. Start being interested in other's and feeling their experiences. Experiencing them. Stop trying to prove myself, impress, or entertain. Just be free. Ask questions when I'm curious, help when it's asked of me or even when it's not. Stop trying to please. Stop always searching for the right thing to say.

So I got myself onto the E-board of an organization at my school. There is a program that I have been trying to start. I sent out an e-mail with my ideas. No one responded. What to do next? E-mail again. Bug the shit out of people until something happens. Or just take the initiative and do it myself without "asking permission" or waiting for approval. I think I atleast need a confirmation to go ahead. I will go talk to the organization Chair tomorrow. It's not my fault if everyone chose not to give me feedback. I don't hold it against them, I just assume they're busy. This is medical school. But to be honest, why do I want to do this? For approval again? Or maybe just to say, hey I did this and put it on my CV when it's time to apply for residency. Is it because I really care about people and their teeth. I can't say it's one reason or the other. Its probably a combination of all some more than others. So should I not do it because I'm doing it for the wrong reason even though it will serve to benefit others. Should I just let it go and let someone else take over? I don't know. I will e-mail Candy tonight and ask one last time what the deal is.

I know I don't e-mail people back, but it's usually because I don't really care to respond to whatever the e-mail is about. But not everyone is like me.

Medical school is killing me. I love what I'm learning but it's taking over my life. No time for new experiences. Just sitting infront of a computer all day. Studying or online. Keeping to myself. Looking for love on the internet. Pathetic.

Why do I wish so much to be someone I am not. Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am. Yes it's important to improve myself. But some of my desires are not really any improvement. To make friends. It could happen. But I'm afraid I don't have a sure fire strategy for that. Don't have the words to say, don't make it a consciouse intent when I speak to someone. Maybe I should try that. Pick someone out and say...hmmm lets see if we can be friends. Nah that aint me.

I'm selfish. That's my problem. I don't really care about other people. That's not entirely true. But I don't really take interest in other people. I feel like there's nothing I can do for them so why bother. But maybe I can. Maybe I can just lend my ear. But sharing with them my deepest darkest, why would I do that? I don't need to. And if I did, how would that benefit the other person, would they even care. Most likely not. Only very, very, very few people truly care about me in this world. But everyone needs someone to care about them. THATS IT. I can just care. I can care and thats it. I don't have to be fancy, special, or anything else. Thats what I can do for someone. And maybe things will blossom from there. Maybe they won't. I'll throw off my selfish hat for a while and see what happens. But sometimes I feel like if I do that, and put myself out there for someone who doesn't deserve it...I feel as if I'm being wronged in some way. But I'll try. I will just try that. Don't let them think that you don't care. Just care. Thats's all I have to do. I may have just changed my life forever Maybe not.